Here’s what I do:

When I’m dating some dude, and he’s all texting me like “Send me a picture of your pussy, baby,” I begin by sending him photos of my cats. Sometimes I dress up the cats to make them special for him; I put hats on them or scarves or necklaces or something. And I send it back with a little message like “My pussy is ready for you, hot stuff.”

And when he doesn’t find that funny, because he’s a total dirt-bag loser with no sense of humor because somehow that’s who I always end up dating, I send him the photos he’s looking for WITHOUT MY FACE IN THEM.

Why can no one else do this?

Sigh.

Someone’s shopping nude photos of Amanda Overmyer. Which, like, is cool and all, and I’m sure I’ll make a ton of money off them if they hit the web, but what I’m really looking for is the Brooke White nudes.

Star magazine reports that AmIdol’s first season rocker, Nikki McKibbin, was hospitalized in a psych ward in February after a suicide attempt. After limited musical success and the death of her mother in August, it sounds like things were just feeling impossible for Nikki.

Nikki called a friend and told her that she was feeling depressed and wanted to kill herself. The report states that Nikki said, “I want to live with my mom in heaven” and took migraine medication to “dull the pain.”

Tipped off by Nikki’s friend, police arrived to find the former Idol hopeful half-dressed with a number of white pills in her hand. After a violent confrontation — during which she reportedly tried to kick out the windows of the cop car — she was taken to the John Peter Smith Hospital and placed under psychiatric observation for the required 72 hours before being released.

Aw, sweetie, if it’s any consolation, I love love LOVED you on AmIdol. I voted for you every week. Yeah, it’s true, and I’m admitting it here, in a very public forum, just in case it’ll go any way toward making you feel better. I fucking voted for American Idol, and I voted for you, Nikki! I hope you feel better way soon.

Remember Haley Scarnato, the pretty brunette from last season of AmIdol? And she was all excited because she was engaged and in love and everything was fabulous?

Haley gave an interview to Extra this week (watch it here) where she says that the engagement — and the relationship — ended a few months ago, after she’d already planned the wedding. She says she’s fine and happy and great now, but it’s obvious that’s not true.

I’m such a sick person. I watch shit like this and I’m, like, happy about it. Not because I dislike Haley Scarnato or harbor any sort of ill will toward her, just because it makes me feel happy that someone else’s personal life isn’t going exactly according to plan. It makes me feel better about myself. I’m such a bad person. But I figure at least a few of you out there feel the same way, so I decided to post this piece to bring some schadenfreude joy into your lives, too. Man, I’m so going to hell. Sorry, Haley.

“The truth is we’re never judgmental about what people do to earn a living. They’ve gotta put food in people’s mouths. If it were some sort of heavy porn, then maybe we’d have to take action. But certainly not on this.”

American Idol producer Ken Warwick, on the news that Idol contestant David Warwick used to dance all naked-like at a gay strip club in Phoenix.

Check out Alaina Whitaker breaking into tears after being eliminated from AmIdol this week.

I’ve been sitting on this clip for a day. I didn’t want to post it because, honestly, I felt really bad for her. But, you know what? It’s good drama. So here ya go.

“Simon didn’t come down on me like I thought he would, so that’s always good, because he goes down on just about everybody.” — Paul Stafford, American Idol

Not even going to comment on this one. Speaks for itself.

For more Reality “Stars” hilarious quotes check out our friends at Jossip.

Best Buy comes up with the worst promo ever. [Jossip]

Bruce Willis somehow looks like a truck driver, yet he once again has a barely legal hot girlfriend…see kids money can buy you love! [ICYDK]

Some guy auditioned for American Idol 11 times? Seriously, somebody really wants to get on TV. [People]

I have no issue with Baptists…but I do have an issue with crazy folk. [Mollygood]

Kim Kardashian…still naked. [Egotastic]

I mean, it was still a MONSTER debut, but Idol’s premiere viewership was down by around 4 million viewers from last year.

Tuesday’s debut was seen by an estimated 33.2 million viewers, down 11 percent from the 37.4 million who watched the first show of 2007.

Whatever. It’s still the most-watched show of the entire TV season.

Awwww, sad!!!

Ruben Studdard — who basically did nothing successful after winning season 2 of AmIdol — has been dropped from J Records.

His last album only moved 235,000 copies.

That’s worse than Britney’s!

“I would have had Britney Spears last year when I thought she was trying to get it all back together again,” Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe told Usmagazine.com in a conference call Thursday.

“Britney, at this moment in time, I don’t think is well enough to do anything,” he continued. “I think she needs looking after. I think she needs to pull herself together.”

The new season of AmIdol starts in January.

Is everyone psyched???

Congrats to Chris Daughtry, whose band’s album, Daughtry, sold 3.2 million copies, making it the most popular album of the year.

Winning American Idol is for losers!

Thanks to a very dedicated PR guy for getting me the full clip of American Idol’s Kimberly Caldwell singing at the Ms. Planet Beach International Pageant.

Man, I miss the old days of AmIdol.

What’s the verdict, kids?