Oh, Amanda. You’re like three weeks late with this shit. And also your face scares me. But you’re better at swimming than I’ll ever be at anything in my whole life, so, out of respect, I’ll avoid detailing everything I find offensive about your face. But just as a hint, it’s primarily the eyebrows and the mouth. I mean, it’s just especially unfortunate with you because it’s really the things that plastic surgery can’t do much about. What I might recommend is actually shaving the inner halves of your eyebrows and just penciling new ones in — new ones that don’t appear to be dive-bombing into your nasal cavity. A good make-up artist can probably pull it off. And let’s definitely go with Restylane for the lips, and a less bronzy foundation next time, okay? You could actually be quite pretty.

Shit, did I just do exactly what I said I wasn’t going to do?

I’m sorry, Amanda. I really am. You’re out there working really hard and accomplishing something enormous with your life and for your country and I’m sitting here in my pajamas at my laptop nitpicking on your eyebrows, and, for what it’s worth, I’m aware of how pathetic that is. The sad thing is that the awareness doesn’t make me enjoy it any less. Mostly I’m jealous because you’ve actually met Michael Phelps, and I’m still at the stage where he’s cheating on our fantasy relationship but I’m considering taking him back. So, in the grand scheme of things, you win, Amanda.

It’s actually a pretty long list.

I have to kill both Amanda Beard and model Lily Donaldson, both of whom Michael Phelps is rumored to be dating, but before I do that, I have to kill anyone involved in the creation of Windows Vista and the decision to install it on any fucking new laptop. From what I can tell, Windows Vista is in no way better than XP, it’s just very different and therefore impossible to navigate when you’re used to using XP. Oh, and it’s crashed twice already. Like, full-on core dump. While I was trying to do complicated things. Like connect to the Internet. Incredible. How long did Microsoft take to release this crapfest? Hopefully Bill Gates is doing a little better providing health care to children in third-world countries. Because if his track record over there is anything like fucking Vista, those kids are going to have bizarre mutations any day now. Like, the third eye won’t just be a figurative reference in rural India.

Seriously, what was wrong with XP? I hate you, Microsoft. I swore I’d never be a Mac user, but, for the first time in my life, I’m seriously considering it. I mean, if I’m gonna have to learn a new fucking OS from scratch anyway …

So anyway. Yeah. Phelps has been linked to both Amanda and Lily, both of whom I will kill so that he can be mine, all mine. But only after I get through with the folks at Microsoft.

U.S. Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard, 26, held a press conference in Beijing on Wednesday to unveil her new ad for PETA — where she poses sans swimsuit.

She moved forward with the conference despite the fact that Chinese authorities tried to cancel it just hours before its scheduled time, citing “safety concerns.”

“I think they just didn’t understand what we had planned,” said a PETA spokesperson. “We are not protesting against China. We just want to promote compassion for animals.”

Ah, there’s the problem, PETA. It’s just that the Chinese don’t really speak English. Other than that, Beijing authorities totally agree with your message.