So there are all these photos today of Avril Lavigne and Deryk Whibley leaving Koi and I’m just flipping through them like, “Yeah, who cares,” but then with her there is some girl who looks vaguely familiar and I’m not sure why. The photo agency doesn’t ID her at all. So why do I know her? Did I used to party with her in LA? Did she date someone I know? I mentally flip through every reality TV show in the history of mankind and can’t place her on any of those. Who is she?

And then it hits me: That’s Britney Spears’ old assistant. Alli Sims. Who we haven’t heard from or seen in ages. Like, since the Big Britney Meltdown.

What is she doing with Avril Lavigne and her husband now?

Weird.

Hey, you know who we haven’t written about yet today?

Britney Spears!

Heh heh.

Anyway. Page Six is reporting that, after the custody hearing yesterday, Britney immediately began drinking vodka. The court-appointed monitor and Alli were with Britney at her Mulholland Drive home, trying to calm her down, but as Britney’s emotional state worsened she locked herself inside the master suite bathroom. Eventually, Alli used a hammer to break the door down and then called emergency services.

Another source says that Britney had recently “freaked out” on Kevin after hearing reports that he’d been flirting with her frenemy Paris Hilton. We reported on this earlier in the week, and at the time I was like, “What is Britney going to do to retaliate?” I thought she might, like, dye her hair blue or, at the worst, dye the kids’ hair blue, but this is some crazy-ass Medea shit.

TAKE THOSE KIDS AWAY!

What any normal person would do:

She found a professional football player and hit the club!

After the custody hearing, Britney and Alli Sims went to Ketchup, where Tony Romo (who’s been linked recently to Sophia Bush and Carrie Underwood) was having dinner.

The threesome later headed to Les Deux, where they chilled in the VIP room.

Tony Romo is the new Matt Leinart!

Look for Paris Hilton to be all over this dude in the coming weeks.

Paris parties it up with 50 Cent at TAO in Las Vegas. Everyone’s there in preparation for the VMAs … including Britney Spears, who was at the same club with BFF Alli Sims. No report of a catfight yet, but no pics of the two of them together. And what the hell is Britney doing out last night? Her big comeback performance at the VMAs is today. Shouldn’t she be resting?? Come on, Brit!!!

Britney’s former “cousistant” was spotted partying with arch-nemesis Paris Hilton at her Malibu beach house this weekend.

How is this girl famous?

Oh, yeah.

We made her famous.

Whoops.

Photo credit: Buzz Foto