Wanna know how you can be sure Lindsay Lohan’s wasted? I’ll pause here while you all respond “She’s breathing?” No, no, you can tell Lindsay Lohan’s wasted because she does these stupid poses on the red carpet. Sober Lindsay is a red carpet superstar — every pose, every camera glance is a total win. When she’s wasted she does this same dumb stuff and it just looks ridiculous. It’s always a dead giveaway.

Here’s wasted Lohan with sis Ali at a Teen.com party in Hollywood on Monday night.

Oh, and Us Weekly has a piece today about how Lindsay’s abusing Adderall. Tomorrow I hear they’re running pieces about how the Dodgers are a baseball team and Richard Simmons prefers sex with dudes.

Some stellar shots of Lindsay, sis Aliana and their friends relaxing in the Hawaiian sun this weekend.

How high do you think Lindsay was when she did that spray-on tan? It’s practically a Rorschach test. (Side note: I think this is the first time in my life I spelled ‘Rorschach’ correctly on the first try. Applaud me.)

Let’s play a game here: What do you see in the inkblots of Lindsay’s spray tan?

Just on her head, though. And her pubes, but that’s not what this story is about.

As women, when we split up with our significant other, our initial thought is to change our hair. I don’t know why. It’s actually my gut reaction to any major event in my life that leaves me feeling out of control. I decide I need a new me to handle it. And that new me needs to have a different hairstyle. Britney took it a step or eight (razor blades) too far, but I suppose that if the craziest thing Lindsay does this week is walk into a reputable hair salon and leave with dark red hair, everyone comes out a winner, except for tabloid news.

Linds and Aliana were spotted leaving Byron and Tracey salon yesterday, showing off Lindsay’s new look to the paps. Dude, at least she has her sister at her side right now. Ali’s probably got more sense in that teenaged head of hers than either of their parents.

What do we think of the new look?

Oh, Dina Lohan.  She is every bit the mother I’m so thankful I don’t have.

Last night Dina, Lindsay and Ali were doing coke out on the town.  They arrived at Hollywood nightclub Villa and were turned away at the door.  Why?  Because Ali Lohan is fifteen years old, that’s why!  The door dude said, “No,” and Dina replied with the so overused and tired inquiry, “Do you know who I am?”  Big sister Linds, who should not be pointing out anyone’s mistakes to anyone, chimed in, “You’re making a big mistake!  Huge!”  Yet still, Access.  Denied.

Sad and disturbing-a random bouncer offers more guidance and parental judgment to Ali than her own mother and sister.  What does Ali”s future look like if she’s trying to get into nightclubs at fifteen?  See?  This is how far removed I am from the Hollywood mindset; it’s why I just can’t relate.  I heard this tale of denial at the door and all I could think was, “Wait, isn’t this a school night for Ali?”  I also thought, “How the hell was Drew Barrymore getting into clubs at eight?”

Anyway, if Ali wants to keep pace towards the goal of rehab by seventeen, handbag designer by nineteen and memoir by twenty, she needs to get started on her meth habit, shoplifting convictions and sex tape, like, now.

She’s alive!!!

After falling off the radar for OVER A WEEK, Lindsay Lohan and some weird-ass gloves resurfaced this weekend in New York, along with her mom and sister, Ali. Dude. CHECK OUT THE TITS ON ALIANA. That girl is 15 years old. She can’t drive a car, but you sure can motorboat those titties.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

So, uh, Us Magazine has the side-by-side comparison, and an entire discussion of whether or not 14-year-old Ali had some work done in the chest area.

Jesus Lord, are there actually plastic surgeons who will perform boob jobs on 14-year-olds?

I hope this is just a push-up bra issue. Because her tits DO look considerably larger in the photo on the right, and it really kind of sickens me to think that people are putting breast implants in girls who aren’t even old enough to drive.

This is apparently the video for Ali Lohan’s new single, “All the Way Around.”

Uhhh … it’s just clips from Living Lohan. Like, clips that are in no way relevant to the song. I hope this is, like, the preliminary video that some high-school interns at E! threw together, and there’s a real video coming later. Because otherwise they’re just not trying. Are all the family’s resources re-focused on Lindsay now that it looks like she might not die soon? Ali had that brief window of her mother’s attention while her sister was in rehab for like two years straight, but now that Lindsay’s coming back, maybe everyone in the family is just forgetting about Ali. I’m having trouble thinking up any other explanation for this crapfest.