I swear, if I have to hear one more thing about her and Adam Duritz, I’m just going to explode. MINE MINE MINE. Back the fuck off, Emmy!

I was having a conversation with a co-worker about threesomes today (because pretty much what I do when I am in the office is wander around and distract other people from doing actual work by bringing up topics like threesomes), and I was all like, “I don’t think I could ever be in a threesome. I’m not a good sharer,” and she was like, “Yeah, you don’t strike me as a very good sharer.” Ha! It’s so true! I didn’t share well in kindergarten, and I don’t share well now. And I CERTAINLY don’t share Adam Duritz well. He has been my man since I was in fifth grade. I get so upset whenever I read about him and Emmy.

For Emmy Rossum, her relationship with Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz began with a Tweet.

“I was on tour with the band this summer. They invited me actually on Twitter,” Rossum said Thursday on the radio show Valentine in the Morning. “That’s how we met – on a dare. They dared me to come sing with them a song that I’d never sung before … So I ended up on tour with the band, and it was very, very fun.”

Their relationship came to light this fall after they’d been spotted together multiple times. Rossum, 23, split from husband Justin Siegel in August – though her marriage was not widely known about.

Asked why she kept the fact that she was married a secret from the public, the actress says, “It’s hard to have a private life and keep it private and hope that people don’t pick you apart.”

As for the divorce, Rossum says, “I’m not asking for anything except freedom so that I can move on to another chapter in my life, and find happiness.”

This just makes me even angrier, because I’m on Twitter. (Hey! Follow me!) Why is Adam Duritz not daring me to do stuff on Twitter?? I will do way freakier stuff than sing a song I don’t know, Adam, if you would only ask. Try me!

What the fuck is that supposed to be, Emmy? An imaginary wedding dress? Hey, that’s kind of inappropriate, seeing as how you just ended your secret marriage. And you’re only 23. That’s sad. And you’re already out and about attending stupid ballet events with MY FUTURE HUSBAND. Grrrr. I am very, very upset about this. We are ENEMIES now, Emmy. You are Emmy the Enemy. You are my emmy-me. You are my n-emmy-sis. You are my adversar-emmy. I DON’T FUCKING LIKE YOU. GET AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND YOU BITCH.

I never cared much about Emmy Rossum. I’d see a photo of her on the red carpet as I was thumbing through a million event photos and yawn. She’s completely boring and I don’t even know why she’s famous. But I didn’t mind her, I just didn’t care about her.

Now?

I hate that little bitch. She’s on my shit list.

Why, you ask? Oh, just a little item that’s been floating around the Internet in the past day or two:

Her husband filed for divorce on September 25, but Emmy Rossum has already moved on to a new man. The 23-year-old actress, who reportedly split from music business exec Justin Siegel in August after a year-and-a-half secret marriage, has been cozying up to Counting Crows front man Adam Duritz, 45. The pair were spotted on a romantic dinner at Dos Caminos restaurant in New York’s SoHo neighborhood earlier this month, and on September 23, the Phantom of the Opera starlet and the singer made sweet music with a duet at the National Parks Conservation Association’s concert to celebrate National Parks Week in New York’s Central Park.

“They were staring into each other’s eyes,” an onlooker tells In Touch of the couple as they sang “Going Back to Georgia.” After the Counting Crows finished their set, Emmy and Adam brought the sizzle offstage. “They went back to his trailer together. They had their arms around each other and were kissing,” an insider tells In Touch. “They are totally dating and aren’t afraid to show it.”

Yeah, so, ya know, fuck that. I’ve been trying to land Adam Duritz for the past decade, this chick is already married to someone else, and then she swoops in and steals him? And she’s 23 years old? Fuck. That. Shit. Adam, this be some booollshit. This girl was in preschool when August and Everything After came out. She probably just started her period last year. Her husband probably had to teach her how to put a tampon in. She doesn’t appreciate you the way that I do. Adam, baby, she just got divorced. Did I mention she’s 23? Where do you see this going? It’s silly, pookie. Stop wasting your time and come cuddle up with me in bed. We can do a different kind of duet — you will sing along to your albums while my mouth is otherwise occupied. Sound better than a Parks & Recreation concert? I thought so.

Oh, and Emmy? Watch your back, beyotch.

I thought I was, and then I found this photo.

I have no idea what Whoopi Goldberg is wearing or why.

But I will tell you this, very clearly, so that there’s no confusion: I would very much like to have sex with Adam Duritz. Call me, Adam.

Here’s Adam and Counting Crows performing “Cowboys,” from their new album, on A&E’s Private Sessions. I am obsessed with this whole album, but especially this song. I play it over and over again.

I know you don’t all approve of my Adam obsession, but it’s real and it’s happening and all the therapy in the world can’t help me from being uncontrollably attracted to his angsty, dissociative, brooding, over-emotional, brilliant ass. I know he’s not traditionally hot. But he’ll be remembered as one of the most talented musicians of our generation, and I have no idea what the biological basis is for why women are attracted to emotionally crippled men, but ohmygod he gets me so wet.

I am obsessed with you, Adam. Call me. Seriously. In the words of the ever-wise Kathryn Merteuil: You can put it anywhere.

A&E’s interview with Adam is after the jump. I haven’t watched any of it. It’ll just make me go crazy. I can’t handle how much I love him.

Here’s Adam and the Counting Crows performing at The Grove in LA yesterday.

Oh, Adam, I love you so.

In a recent interview with People magazine, the Counting Crows singer opened up about his recent battle with mental illness.

“I’ve been dealing with mental illness,” he says. “But I didn’t want to say anything for a long time. I went crazy. It was scary.”

Dude. I hear you. Crazy is scary. Just ask Britney Spears.

“Being crazy is bad,” he continues. “It’s scary when the world isn’t real to you. You come untethered. Everything seems imaginary. You look around the room and nothing seems real. You don’t feel pain. I stopped letting myself feel … The album [Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings] is about a downward spiral, losing my mind and about trying to get it back. Not about getting it back but trying to get it back.”

“The Saturday Nights record is about madness and spiraling out of control and disillusionment,” explains Duritz. “The Sunday Mornings record is mostly about failing at the things you’re trying to do when you are getting better. It’s not redemption, necessarily. It’s more like the hangover.”

Jesus, Adam, I get it. I get it so, so, so much, and I love you.

And now, the bad news:

“My friends are trying to find a wife for me,” he says. “I’m dating a girl right now and a bunch of people are coming up to me and saying, ‘We love her. We love her.’ ” As for his take on her: “She’s wonderful. I’m lucky to know her.”

Whoever this chick is, Adam, she’s bad news. I’m good news. Our crazy can intermingle and breed. It’ll be awesome. Call me.

Check out the Counting Crows performing their new single, “You Can’t Count on Me,” on Letterman.

You can check out the official music video for this single here.

Jesus, Adam, you’re forty-fucking-three years old. Isn’t it about time you got over all this angst and irresponsibility and just settled down once and for all as my husband?

I think yes.

Well, my mother wouldn’t want to read this. But if you asked my girlfriends, they would tell you: “That boy loves to eat pussy.” And I am damn good at it.

Counting Crows frontman Adam Duritz, when Blender magazine posed the question “What would your exes say about you?”

The whole interview’s worth a read. It’s here.

The Counting Crows’ new album, Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings, will be released March 25, which is why Adam’s taking time out of his busy schedule of smoking pot and eating pussy to give interviews to Blender mag.

I know I said I’d moved on after this picture surfaced, but, dammit, when I read about him running around town with Ivanka Freakin’ Trump, that little green monster just comes right out. Look, I may not want him anymore, but you certainly can’t have him, Ivanka.

FORGETFULNESS got Ivanka Trump off the hook Friday night, when the exhausted heiress was coaxed by friends to hit East Village staple Black & White – but wasn’t let in because she didn’t have her ID. “She had Adam Duritz in tow, they were all at a birthday party together,” said our spy. When the Counting Crows frontman couldn’t convince the bouncer to let her in, Trump gratefully went home. She told Page Six she was glad for the excuse: “It was fine. I had no particular interest in going anyway.”

That’s right, ‘Vanki. Go on home.

Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.

At some video game party in NYC Friday night with Jeffrey Ross.

This dude fucked Jen Aniston and Courteney Cox. Figure that one out, kids.

The perpetually dreadlocked Counting Crows frontman took his shirt off in dangerous proximity to a Splash News camera man.

I know, I know. He’s a little flabby. He’s a little pale. He’s getting really old. But I refuse to give up on my dream!

One day, I will have sex with Adam Duritz. And then we’ll get married and have lots of babies and he’ll write songs about me and it will be fabulous.

Counting Crows’ new album — the first once since 2002’s Hard Candy — will be released November 6 of this year. The album’s title is Saturday Nights, Sunday Mornings, and I for one am super excited.

Photo credit: Aaron St. Clair