Apparently someone from her management team read my little rant about how she was dressed last week, because 12-year-old Abigail Breslin was back to looking like the adorable little girl that she is at the NYC premiere of Marley and Me last night. Disaster averted. Phew!

And also her hair and makeup?

I’m just looking for a ballpark figure here.

15? 16? I mean, do you really have to wait until a kid’s 18 when she’s already been nominated for an Oscar? Doesn’t that shit make her fair game a little sooner? We were allowed to make fun of Anna Paquin’s teeth back in ‘94, weren’t we?

Because, like, if I were allowed to make fun of Abigail Breslin at this tender age, I would note that her hair is a better fit for, say, the Little Miss Sunshine pageant than a Los Angeles fundraiser. And that if you’re going to put that much makeup on a 12-year-old — which is a bad idea to begin with — you need to bite the bullet and get her some eyelashes, too. And the boots? I can’t even talk about the boots right now. I want to talk about the boots. I just can’t talk about the boots. Please talk about the boots for me.

At a benefit party hosted by Animal Fair magazine this weekend.

Little Abigail Breslin wears a Marines T-shirt when she arrives to film a spot on David Letterman.

Cute!

Abigail Breslin recently told the LA Times that she — gasp! — didn’t cut her hair to play a short-haired girl in Kit Kittredge: An American Girl. Rather, she donned a short-haired wig.

“I really don’t know if I could handle having my own hair really short, but wearing the wig was fun. It didn’t really feel that different but felt like I was wearing a hat. But I’d never do that to my real hair, because I like putting it in a ponytail. I really don’t like short hair.”

The nerve! Silly Abigail, now no one’s going to take you seriously as an actress. You know what you should do? Sign on to a film where you’ll get raped on screen. That’s what the real pre-teen actresses do.

And I really don’t know why I so enjoy pitting Abigail Breslin against Dakota Fanning. It’s probably pretty cruel and immature of me to pit two pre-pubescent girls against each other (yeah, Dakota’s 14, but she still looks to be miles from puberty), but it amuses me to no end. Also, nothing else is going on right now. This election needs to hurry up and be over, pronto.

Everyone’s hanging out with their fathers this weekend. This includes publicists, paparazzi and the rest of the media machine, so we don’t have anything much going on.

Here’s Abby Breslin at the premiere of Kit Kittredge: An American Girl. I like this photo because it makes her look about two feet tall.

Here’s little Abigail Breslin leaving the Ivy last night.

I don’t understand what is on her arms.

At first I was like, “Oh my gosh! Did she break her wrist?!” and then I was like, “Oh, no, those things are supposed to be cool.”

Whatever. I still like her better than Dakota Fanning.

Abigail Breslin was inducted into the Girl Scouts in what appears to be a publicity stunt for her new film, Nim’s Island.

Dude, I’d totally forgotten about Girl Scouts. I was a Girl Scout. I remember the other girls and I, in, like, second grade, would go door-to-door all around the neighborhood selling cookies. Yup, just two or three short-skirted eight-year-olds, naively ringing doorbells, devoid of any adult supervision. Were there fewer child rapists around those days or were our parents just less aware of their existence? Today, girls sit in front of the Best Buy, practically bodyguarded by their mothers, or else the parents just drag the stupid cookie sheets into their work and pressure all their coworkers to buy a bunch.

My mom made me watch videos of when I was a little girl the other day. I’m talking, like, four years old, and I’m climbing up huge trees and jungle gyms and falling down flat on my ass and then getting up and trying again. No one is, you know, putting down the video camera to check to make sure I’m okay after falling ten feet out of a tree. I was horrified! I was like, “Mom! You just let me keep falling like that?” and she was like “Eh, it was a different time. And you turned out okay, didn’t you?”

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I don’t know what Girl Scouts is today, but I imagine it’s nothing like when I was a kid. When I was a little girl, you earned your right to be a Girl Scout. With your blood, sweat and tears, not by starring in some pansy-ass fantasy film. We had Arts and Crafts, beyotch, not Craft Services. Abigail Breslin better get her ass on the street and sell some fucking cookies if she wants to wear that sash with any pride.

Nah, I’m kidding. GSA (I guess it’s not even GSA anymore … they’re the Girls Scouts of the USA now) is a fantastic organization that does a lot of good work toward building confidence and leadership skills in young women. Learn more here.