I’ve poked a lot of fun at Nicolas Cage in the past, but this post isn’t going to do that. I can only kick a person when they’re down so many times, and Nicolas Cage is now so far down my foot couldn’t even reach him if I tried.

Cage’s father, August Coppola, has died at the age of 75 of a heart attack. Coppola is the brother of filmmaker Frances Ford Coppola and was Dean of Creative Arts at San Francisco State University.

My heart goes out to the family, particularly to Cage who has had more than his fair share of troubles in the past year. Condolences also to the faculty, staff and students of San Francisco State University where Coppola taught literature and served as Dean of Creative Arts. I’m sure he will be missed.

I hope you’re all getting into some debauchery tonight. Like I said earlier, it’s the one night of the year when you can dress like a slut, a freak, or a creep, and people won’t think you’re insane or hold you accountable. It’s just like living in Hollywood.

Celebs are taking advantage of the same opportunity. Katie Couric was spotted sporting this year’s ubiquitous Kate Gosselin costume while the hosts of the Today Show went the Luke & Leia route. Fashion designer Michael Kors dressed in a detailed hippie costume while designer Valentino (above) dressed up as an Oompah Loompah. Oh wait… that’s not a costume.

Would someone please tell me what the hell Martha Stewart and Mickey Rourke are supposed to be? I tried to figure out their costumes, but the best I could come up with was “tree trunk” and “Mickey Rourke.”

Paris Hilton hosted a Halloween party last night at her home in Mulholland Estates. Both she AND boyfriend Doug Reinhardt dressed up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, which I don’t get. Wouldn’t a Dorothy/Scarecrow, Dorothy/Toto, Dorothy/Tin Man combo have been better than two Dorothys? Or, if you’re trying to be creative, Dorothy/Toto (the band)? I think Reinhardt just wanted to finally wear those size 16 satin pink pumps of his out in public and used this as an excuse. (See more pics in the gallery.)

The party hit the skids when traffic backed up so badly that none of her guests could get into her driveway. That’s not a sexual euphemism. (Since we’re talking about Paris, I thought I should clarify.)

Last year, it was Sarah Palin. I saw so many Palins on Halloween I thought was at the governor’s igloo in Alaska. This year– and I hope I don’t incur the wrath of Sasha by saying this– the most overdone costume is definitely Jon & Kate Gosselin. Our own esteemed Beet went to work yesterday dressed up as one third of a Jon, Kate, and Hailey Glassman trio. Check out the pics she posted to her Twitter.

As further proof this costume has jumped the shark, the couple we love to hate dressed as a pair of Gosselins and went out trick-or-treating. (Instead of candy they got 10 more minutes of fame.)

While I was out last night, I saw no fewer than 4 Kate Gosselins and 2 corresponding “Jons.” I can see why it’s a popular costume. That haircut is so terrible that it’s become downright iconic and in the same way that women use Halloween as an excuse to release their inner sluts, it’s also the one day a year you can indulge in truly hideous fashion and hair and not be held accountable for it.

It’s also a really easy couples costume to pull off. All you need is an Ed Hardy t-shirt, a blonde wig you’ve run over with a lawnmower then styled with super glue, and 8 battered, used baby dolls from the Goodwill store that you’re willing to exploit for your own personal gain.

So how many Gosselins have you seen today? Or is there another costume you’re seeing a lot of?

Dakota Fanning took a break from filming movies about angsty vampires covered in sparkles to hang out with angsty teenagers covered in sparkles at her high school’s homecoming football game last night.

Fanning is a cheerleader for Campbell Hall Episcopal School in North Hollywood where she was crowned Homecoming Princess during halftime last night. She didn’t get the Queen’s crown, but she’s only a sophomore. Give it a few years.

You can see pics of the crowning here. I couldn’t post them because we don’t have a contract with the company that owns them and I don’t want to get sued. Instead, I posted the above video montage of Dakota Fanning cheerleading pics, because it’s Halloween and this video creeps me the fuck out. You can practically taste the essence of “creepy stalker of underage girls” emanating from it. Tastes like grape soda laced with sleeping pills.

People like to know when celebrities have babies. Maybe they’re genuinely interested in the birth of a new life. Or maybe they just want to know who’s had a kid so they’re prepared to mercilessly criticize their parenting when 5 years later someone fucks up and gives the kid an espresso. It’s like a preview of coming attractions.

The products of three sets famous zygotes splitting and reproducing exited the womb recently and were announced yesterday.

Former Olympic gymnast Shannon Miller vaulted a 7 lb baby boy, John Rocco Falconeti, out of the old uter-shoot on October 28th. The baby had good form on the dismount but couldn’t stick the landing.

Colin Farrell and his girlfriend (who can now officially be called his “baby mama”) welcomed a son, Henry Tadeusz Farrell on October 7th. This is the second kid (and the second baby mama) for Farrell, who doesn’t like to knock up the same vagina twice.

Finally, former Mets catcher Mike Piazza and his wife welcomed their second baby girl, Paulina Sophia Piazza, into the world on… August 3rd? Celebs are getting really adept at hiding their kids’ births from the media. (Either that, or no one gives a crap about Mike Piazza.) I picture Piazza squatting in front of his wife’s vagina in full gear, ready to throw the mask off if it’s a pop-up foul, but that’s just me. More likely, the doctor just pointed him at her splitting perineum and made some horrible joke about this being “the most important catch of his life.”

Shakira’s new video came out today and uhhh… I don’t get it? I feel really dense and I’m sure I’ll find out from one of you commenters within minutes of posting this, but what the hell is going on here? Shakira is in some sort of trantric sex dance on a bed with a dude, then in a steam room. Is this supposed to be like that show Sisters? Didn’t they all go in a steam room on that show? Oh, and the song is probably the most annoying thing I’ve ever heard. She sounds like Grover.