June 8th’s print edition — those still exist? — of In Touch magazine tells the story of the Jon & Kate Plus 8producers helping Jon Gosselin find an apartment close to the $1.2M manse that is camera-friendly.  Personally, I’d like to know what apartment exists anywhere that is eight-kids-friendly.  Currently, Jon has been staying in Huntington, PA near his parents which is about three hours away from his wife and kids.  The Gosselins are reportedly worth $10M.  Jon can’t afford a small house?

Anyway, hearing that the show producers are helping find some suitable housing for Jon confirms one thing:  the fat lady hasn’t sung yet.  This circus show will go on.

Listen, I’ve already got three kids, I’d hardly notice another eight.  I want all the “marketable” Gosselins to come live with me.  I promise, the only cameras they would have to tolerate is my Canon Rebel.  And, I can kind of cook.

The details are still fuzzy but the ex-wife of Two and a Half Men star Jon Cryer has been arrested on charges of felony child abuse.

Actress Sarah Trigger Cryer was arrested yesterday in Hermosa Beach, California after police arrived and discovered a child with rope or cord marks on his neck.  They also recovered a weapon that they believe was involved in the (alleged!) abuse.  Bail was set at $100,000 and Cryer was released last night.

It hasn’t been confirmed that the child in question is the one born of Jon and Sarah, but they did have one son named Charlie Austin who was born in 2000.

If these allegations are true, I just have one question:  How is that monster free and on the streets today?

“My daughter one day decided that she wasn’t speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that’s how it’s continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years. And it was sad, that’s what killed my husband, actually. He just didn’t want to live after that. He [had] just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn’t do anything for her.”

Candy Spelling speaking to a Massachusetts radio station, relating the story of how her very boring daughter Tori is a murderer.

CUTENESS!!!

Ellen Pompeo is finally putting a little meat on her bones — in the form of a very healthy-looking baby bump. Ellen hit up Whole Foods to do some grocery shopping and then headed back to the LA home she shares with hubby Chris Iverson. She looks fantastic!

Wow, can this girl never go a full month without the news covering a story about something coming out of her vagina? From Page Six:

Britney Spears has cleaned up her act — but she’s still kind of a mess. The pop tart took time off from her “Circus” tour to do an Elle magazine shoot, our spy says, and it was a disaster. “They dressed her in all these beautiful couture clothes — and, well, let’s just say she forgot what time of the month it was. It wasn’t pretty.”

OMG so if you read through those adorably euphemistic lines, Britney Spears’ vagina bled all over those designer clothes. Unless by “time of month” this source meant “the time of month that Britney spontaneously pees all over designer clothes.” I have a lot of questions here. Did she know she was on her period and just not use a tampon? Did she have a tampon in and forget to change it? Or did it sneak up on her? Because sometimes that just happens.

I just kind of feel bad for Brit about all this. Like, homegirl’s done a pretty fantastic job of keeping her act together these past few months, and the media’s still so damn set on finding completely humiliating stories about her. I think you and your menstruating vagina are awesome, Britney!

TLC’s What Not to Wear returns May 29, with its very first-ever “celebrity” fashion victim: Mayim Bialik of Blossom fame. At first I was like, “How truly bad can any celebrity’s fashion be?” I mean, if they make a strange choice, don’t we just consider that “fashion-forward”?

But then I went digging for some recent photos of Mayim, and I came across some shots of her red carpet “looks” during the past year. Yes, this is a tragedy. It’s like Gigli: It’s not so bad it’s good, it’s just really really bad. I can’t believe no one intervened sooner.

Tori Spelling is a phenomenon I just don’t understand. She bores me to tears. I find absolutely nothing compelling about her other than the unsolved mystery of how someone with so much money could get such a terrible boob job. I never write a story about her unless I absolutely have to. But most Tori stories go ignored around here unless Wendie picks ‘em up.

So I’m shocked to hear that Tuesday night’s season-four (four???) premiere of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood drew 424,000 women 18-49, making it Oxygen’s most-watched opener among the demo in its nine-year history. In total, there were 763,000 people watching the show about Tori’s marriage and children, even if she did kill her father.

I ask this honestly: Why are people watching this show? Why is anyone remotely interested in the life of this woman and the husband she stole from another woman? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? Identify and explain yourselves.