They fall flat on their faces too!

Why, oh why do I find people falling on their faces to be one of the funniest things ever?  And why isn’t there video of Jennifer Garner wiping out as she went for a run?  If you’re really into gross stuff like pus, WireImage was kind enough to capture close-ups of the injuries.  Why?  I.  Have.  No.   Idea.

Garner appeared last night on Late Show with David Letterman and got some TLC from Dave, who isn’t sounding so hot himself.  She, in turn, gave him some tea and honey.

I’d like to apologize in advance for the Canada tourism advertisement CBS insists we must watch in the beginning.  It’s the goofiest ever and makes me feel embarrassed for the entire country.

Beyonce is in Austria and has already pissed off the people there.  Yesterday she was scheduled to attend a specially arranged tour of the famed Albertine museum.  Instead, she sent a look-alike to appear and pose with the director of the museum so that Beyonce could go shopping instead.

The museum spokesperson, Verena Dahlitz, summed it up like this:  “What a cheek.  We were a little doubtful yesterday, but weren’t really sure. It could have been her.”

What the people at Albertine don’t know is that the impostor was Sasha Fierce.  Duh.

In more Viennese hijinks, Beyonce’s concert was only half-full and received lots of mixed reviews.

UPDATE:  Another hoax story!  This is the second one in, like, the past week.  Listen, guys.  I think this is God’s way of telling me that I’m not supposed to be writing about Beyonce.  Though I am happy to report that the part about her bad reviews and half-full arenas-totally true!

Thanks to our friends at Celebitchy for straightening all this Beyonce madness out!

I’d written this whole article about how ungracious Beyonce was being, which I’m sure some other sites will be doing as well in the next day. Luckily, Celebitchy’s husband – who’s German – offered to read a few of the articles and translate, and the English articles got the story entirely wrong. What actually happened is that radio station Krone-Hit arranged the museum visit as a prank on the museum without Beyonce’s knowledge. Presumably they were acting as though they were Beyonce’s representatives. Then they sent the Beyonce double to the museum. Who, from the picture, isn’t that great a doppelganger – she has a much smaller frame, and even with sunglasses you can tell the face isn’t all that similar. She looks a lot more like Leona Lewis than Beyonce in my opinion.

The museum employees became suspicious because the faux-Beyonce avoided eye contact with the director and was behaving oddly. The radio station has YouTube video up (it’s in German) but according to Celebitchy they’re still not admitting it isn’t her, though it’s obvious to anyone with semi-vision. The woman shows up in a limo that has a picture of Beyonce on the window and bodyguards surrounding it to give the impression that it’s her.

Beyonce and the museum were just the victims of a stupid prank. The problem is that it seriously wasted the gallery’s time, and it may very well become a PR issue for Beyonce. I’m fairly certain most sites don’t have the advantage of a German translator at the ready and will have to assume that Yahoo’s story is accurate. But to be clear, Beyonce appears to have had absolutely nothing to do with it. The only thing that was correct about the article was that her concert got some pretty bad reviews.

No, don’t worry, she’s not feeding curly fries to the newborns … well, at least we don’t have photographic evidence of that yet. Nadya Suleman was snapped picking up three of her older kids from school and taking them to Arby’s to get some drive-thru wholesome goodness.

For a bunch more of these pics, click here.

“The notion that I would want her back as a girlfriend is bizarre. I am now in one of the best relationships in memory with Crystal Harris and the twins. I’m not going to screw it up with former girlfriends. I would not trade Crystal Harris for anybody in the else in the world. And then this thing comes out and today is Crystal’s birthday … It’s ridiculous.”

Hugh Hefner, on the rumors that he wants Holly Madison back.

Listen up, Hef: When you talk about your girlfriend and “the twins,” and you’re referring not to her breasts but to your other teenage girlfriends, there’s a problem. Right there I can spot a problem.

Also, at 83 years old, you can stop with the references to “this thing” that “comes out” that everyone finds “ridiculous.” We all know what you’re talking about. Can’t you give the girl a rest on her birthday?

… so that you guys can talk about these photos of the Douchepratts warding off swine flu while in Mexico to film Heidi’s “video” for her “music.”

They may be douches, but they’re douches who know a PR opportunity when they see one. Finally someone other than the face-mask manufacturers (and the news stations) has found the economic upside to swine flu.

The Gossip Girl villainess, who’s currently signed to a record deal and filming a movie, debuted a new, lighter look as she left the Byron & Tracey hair salon in LA today.

Ya know, I have to admit, I usually cringe when brunette starlets go blond, but I kinda dig this look on Leighton.

Lindsay Lohan was photographed — gasp! — eating while on vacation in Maui with her sis Ali and friends.

How long has this girl been in Hawaii? And she’s still that pale? How is this even possible? Does Lindsay Lohan’s body produce some strange enzyme that resists both natural tanning and sobriety? If so, we should extract it and use it in chemical warfare. It’s clearly powerful stuff.

Later in the day Lindsay headed out to Fred’s Mexican Cantina, where I’m sure she enjoyed Diet Coke through a straw all night. (Exercise for the reader: Which word doesn’t belong in the previous sentence?)