After unexpectedly dropping out of his Broadway play, Speed the Plow, citing mercury poisoning, Jeremy Piven convinced a group of fellow actors that he did not violate his contractual obligations on Thursday, thereby avoiding potential penalties for his high-profile departure.

You can read Piven’s official statement on the topic here, but here are some of my favorite excerpts:

Despite his worsening illness, Mr. Piven appeared in SPEED THE PLOW without missing a single performance during the show’s Previews and run for ten weeks, with glowing reviews. To do so, he underwent nearly daily care and treatment by multiple health care professionals at his own expense in order to combat his ongoing symptoms, which included extreme fatigue, spatial and balance problems, advancing neuroskeletal weakness, memory problems, difficulty breathing, and an alarmingly low resting heart rate. His treating physician repeatedly advised him to pull out of the show so that he could obtain the rest required to overcome his illness. Instead, Mr. Piven continued doing eight shows per week so that he would not let down his castmates, the audience, or the production. …

Although Mr. Piven’s forced withdrawal from the show was an enormous personal disappointment since it was his life-long dream to perform on Broadway, he is glad that his illness has helped raise public awareness of the serious health risks caused by Mercury exposure. He is also pleased that the Obama administration is seeking an international treaty to reduce Mercury pollution, which it has recognized as the world’s gravest chemical problem.

Uhhhh, so are you guys eating less sushi now? To prevent the mercury poisoning? Has your awareness been raised, guys? Or are you just more aware of the jokes about Jeremy Piven’s mercury poisoning?

Also why would “Mercury” be capitalized in this statement? Are you supposed to capitalize the name of every element on the periodic table, or was Jeremy Piven getting too close to a Roman god?

Sigh.

I got this in my inbox today — it’s a statement from Linda Hogan, in response to this.

I’ll just type it out here, in case you didn’t read that closely enough:

“Any threat from Ed Graziano would and is being taken very seriously. We all prey for John’s recovery. This kind of behavior is why John turned to us as a loving family and we made him one of our own. God Bless John.”

Yes, that’s right, while hundreds of thousands of Americans who know how to write in English are collecting unemployment and fruitlessly job-hunting, this dude is fully employed, issuing statements to the press that confuse “pray” and “prey.”

Linda should have her boyfriend proofread these things instead. At least he’s been to high school recently.

And, really, all spelling mistakes aside, who the hell uses such an awful and tragic situation to self-promote? Really, Linda?

On Thursday, Tom Brady married the woman he left his pregnant girlfriend for, Gisele Bundchen. It was thoughtful of them to not make their wedding a gigantic press circus, but I feel compelled to continually remind everyone that Bridget Moynahan was pregnant when Tom Brady ditched her for a supermodel.

The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce & Gabbana. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars …

The ceremony — which began at dusk — was “very small and intimate,” a source tells Us, adding that guests mostly consisted of immediate family. Brady’s son with ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, John Edward Thomas Moynahan, was also present.

The couple tied the knot at St. Monica Catholic Church in Santa Monica. I know I’m a Jew girl and stuff, but I’ve been there for mass a few times (long story) and not only is it a gorgeous church, it’s great for celeb-spotting! If you’re even in LA and you want to pray with the stars, head on over to St. Monica … well, that is, if you’ve already hit up the Kabbalah Center and the Scientology building …

Congrats to Tom and Gisele, I suppose.

The next three contestants in the Top 12 have been announced.

What do you guys think of the choices???

You can find out who moved on after the jump, if you don’t already know.

(more…)

Oooh, this is exciting!

I’m a HUGE Brittany Snow fan. I wasn’t planning on watching the Gossip Girl spinoff, about Lily van der Woodsen’s wild-child life in the ’80s, but now I might have to tune in.

“Brittany always thought she was going to continue her career in films,” says an insider. “But this is a marvelous part and she just couldn’t say no. This has the potential to be a huge show in the tradition of Melrose Place.”

Uhhhh, I don’t think that’s an insider so much as it’s a PR rep, but, still. This could be an awesome opportunity for Brittany. She’s such a versatile actress, and I’m glad to hear she’ll be back on TV.

The show’s pilot will air on May 11 as a Gossip Girl episode.

Public appearances by Heather Locklear have been exceedingly rare since she was arrested on DUI last year, but she showed up at with her boyfriend, James Wagner, to the opening of Reality Check in LA yesterday, hosted by Carole Bayer Sager And Mergie Perenchio.

I swear, this woman does not age! For all she’s been through, she still look about 28 years old. STUNNING!

Stay classy, Pinellas County!

The people involved in this story just get crazier and crazier.

Edward James Graziano, father of the man injured in the Nick Bollea automobile crash, has been arrested and accused of plotting to kill his estranged wife Debra.

According to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office, the arrest came as a result of a two-and-a-half month investigation in which Graziano is alleged to have held multiple meetings and negotiations with a tipster and an undercover detective posing as go-between to a hit man in order to solicit the murder of his wife.

Authorities said he later paid to have the crime committed.

According to detectives Graziano, 53, paid $1,100 in cash, another $1,000 in a personal check and a $13 gift card to Westshore Pizza to have his estranged wife murdered.

The Criminal Investigative Division began its investigation in mid-December.

Detectives believe the motive was divorce/financial related. They also say Graziano wanted Debra killed in an automobile accident.

Waaaaait, so he was going to pay $2100 and a pizza to have his wife killed??? Who the hell ACCEPTED that offer? I know the economy’s rough, guys, but this is just silly. Professional killers should totally be charging more than $2100 and a pizza! No wonder this all got bungled. You get what you pay for, Mr. Graziano!