Hi, guys. Beet here. I’m just butting in for a minute because News of the World just ran this picture of Michael “Size Fourteen” Phelps smoking a bong. WHICH WAS PROBABLY FULL OF TOBACCO. Right?????

I just couldn’t let Soleil or anyone else write this story because they’d probably assume that this was marijuana, and you all know that my Phelpsy isn’t smoking POT. He would NEVER do a thing like that.

Because if this is weed — and someone can prove it — Phelpsy’s gonna be banned from the sport for FOUR YEARS. And probably lose all his big money endorsements.

Phelps’ aides went into a panic over our story and offered us a raft of extraordinary incentives not to run the bong picture.

It was on November 6, weeks after his Beijing triumph, that 23-year-old Phelps surprised students at the University Of South Carolina in Columbia by showing up unannounced at a house party.

He was visiting Jordan Matthews, a girl he was secretly seeing who was a student there.

Our source revealed: “Michael came to visit Jordan but ended up just getting wasted every night.

Gasp!!!

Phelpsy!!!

You’re such a bad boy. It makes me want you EVEN MORE.

The rest of the story of Michael’s not-so-secret party habits is after the jump:

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Britney Spears has been granted restraining orders against her former manager, Sam Lufti, and one-time pap fling Adnan Ghalib. Access Hollywood reports that Britney’s lawyers had a court date for Monday, but went in early – this past Friday – in order to speed up the process. According to court papers Britney requested protection from Lufti and Ghalib, implying that she or her father Jamie may have seen them as a threat to her recent success. A restraining order was also granted against a third man - Jon Jay Eardley – who once claimed to have been employed by Spears. 

Good. As much as she probably hated having her father call the shots at first Britney is definitely better for it. He seems like one person that really has her best interests at heart, and she’s improved by leaps and bounds in the past year. She doesn’t need clowns like Lufti or Ghalib dragging her down.

After “Bend It Like Beckham” I thought Jonathan was super hot. He had eyes that could melt ice. Now…he’s kinda freaking me out a little. His facial hair of late is odd, unflattering, and reminiscent of what I imagine a real life ‘Dirty Sanchez’ would look like. He used to be able to work it, but now not so much. Ever since he started playing power hungry, delusional Henry VII on ‘The Tudors” he’s been a little “off”. His facial expressions swing from supreme paranoia, to blank indifference, into some sort of stoned hyper lucid stare and back again. 

Shots of what Jonathan used to look like:

Access Hollywood reports that Kendra Wilkinson – she of ‘Girls Next Door’ and Hef bashing/backtracking fame – is filming her own reality show. No word yet on which network will be airing the program, but I’m sure E! is all over that shit. They love giving shows to vaguely annoying people with oversized balloon like body parts. The show will follow Kendra’s moves in the industry post -”Girls”, and will most likely show her preparing for her upcoming wedding. Kendra is engaged to the Eagles’ Hank Baskett. 

Who do they think is actually going to be watching this?

Suzanne Somers went on Oprah and lost her damn mind. She showed what I’m sure was a cringing audience her entire routine (with the exception of the vaginal injection) on air, which includes some 40 pills, hormone rubdowns, and exceptional suppression of the gag reflex (pssst it’s the secret to her marriage). Somers claims that doing this helps her beat the “Seven Dwarfs of Menopause: Itchy, Bitchy, Sleepy, Sweaty, Bloated, Forgetful and All Dried Up.” Fox News

She begins with rubbing a syringe of estrogen on one arm, every day. For two weeks out of the month, she rubs progesterone on the other.

 

After that, she injects estriol vaginally, which she graciously spared the audience from watching.

But it doesn’t end there.

She can’t start her day without taking 40 pills, 15 of which she downs in a thick, yellow smoothie her husband makes for her (she says it’s the secret to their marriage!). Then she ends her day with an additional 20 pills at night before bed.

 

 

Now, I’m not saying that Suzanne Somers doesn’t look amazing for a 62 year old, but she is starting to take on certain muppet-like qualities. I think I would rather age gracefully than vaginally inject ANYTHING ever or choke down a 15-pill smoothie. This is not natural. She says she’s “not against going under the knife” but wouldn’t it ultimately be easier and cheaper to do a little nip/tuck maintenance instead of rubbing raw hormones into your flesh? Not to mention I got “Bitchy, Sleepy, Sweaty, Bloated, Forgetful” dwarves kickin it at my place once a month for about 4 days and I’m 23. Those assholes are not limited to Menopause.

Heath Ledger’s Life Insurance company was able to reach an agreement with his estate and finally agreed to pay out his life insurance policy. Heath’s last documents were drawn up prior to his relationship with Michelle Williams, and so they made no provision for her, or the couple’s young daughter, Matilda. Heaths family pledged to take care of Michelle and the child, and the company’s initial refusal to pay out prompted several of the late actor’s friends to start a trust for the little girl.  

 

Since the 28-year-old actor died Jan. 22, 2008, Minnesota-based ReliaStar Life Insurance Co. had been balking (it’s an insurance company after all) on making good to Ledger’s sole heir, his 2-year-old daughter with Michelle Williams, Matilda Rose.

Even though the coroner labeled Ledger’s death an accidental prescription-drug overdose, the insurer  suggested Ledger committed suicide, voiding the massive payout.

But on Wednesday, one of the estate’s attorneys, William M. Shernoff, informed Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Luis A. Lavin that the two sides had hashed out an agreement. Eonline

 

 

I’m glad they were able to come to an agreement. Michelle and Matilda were obviously huge parts of Heath’s life before he passed, and I think he would have wanted them to be the beneficiaries.

I feel bad for all the poor stiffs who thought they’d be meeting the ‘Maxim Hot 100′ at this party and instead got a somewhat surly looking Stacey Keibler, Brody Jenner and Doug Reinhart feeling each other up  and Kevin Sorbo in a mock turtleneck. On the upside – Brittany Snow dyed her hair dark! I actually like the change on her. She’s always been sunny super blond so maybe the new hair will help her get more serious roles.

Other attendees, including Chris from N*Sync and Howie from BSB..