Charles Barkley was arrested early this morning under suspicion of DUI.  What the fuck?  Why do rich people insist on driving their drunk asses around?  Why is it that Barkley can piss away $10 million on fucking poker but can’t budget a hundred bucks for a cab?

So, blood was drawn and we wait for the results.  I know a man is innocent until proven guilty but I’m going to come out right now and say that he was in fact drunk while driving.  My conclusion is based on the following evidence:  1)  Wine coolers and donuts found in his car at the time of arrest.  2)  He was seen earlier in the evening partying with Jaleel White.  Urkel, people.  You just don’t do that sober.

Oh, what would the new year be without stupid, drunken, licensed celebs?

That is, I want to hear from all 963,000 people who tuned in to the premier of Brody Jenner’s MTV show Bromance.  I want to know who you are, where you live and what meds you are currently taking. 

In case you aren’t too familiar with Bromance, let me clue you in.  It’s basically the testosterone version of Paris Hilton’s My New BFFwith segments such as canfessionals (that’s right, filmed on a toilet) and eliminations that take place, of course, in a hot tub.  Here’s hoping the dismal ratings translate to “on hiatus”.

In other “Remember When MTV Played Videos?” news, The City, spinoff of The Hills pretty much tanked with 1.6 million viewers which is a 38% drop from last week’s Hills finale.

“I’m in Australia, I think it’s important to help out, you know, the economy out here, everywhere in the world … And what’s wrong with doing a little shopping? It’s New Year’s, I need a New Year’s dress.”

Humanitarian Paris Hilton, after being chastised for spending $3,844 during a 40-minute shopping spree in Sydney.

And maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been on strong cold medicine for the past week or so, but I kind of agree with her. I mean, we can’t exactly afford to be picky right now about who’s supporting the free world’s economy. At least Paris is out there spending the money she has, whether or not she earned it. If you think $3,844 is a lot of money, consider the $700 billion-with-a-B the U.S. banks were handed months ago by the government — and they’re still refusing to lend!

Ya know what, Paris Hilton? You may not have gone to college, but you’ve done more than your part over the past five years to buoy the economy while thousands of Harvard MBAs were destroying it. Ironic and delicious, my dear.

Apparently Viacom and Time Warner could not reach an agreement in their negotiations, so at 12:01 am on January 1, Time Warner Cable’s 13.3 million subscribers will be losing the following channels: Comedy Central; CMT: Pure Country; Logo; Palladia; MTV; MTV 2; MTV Hits; MTV Jams; MTV Tr3s; Nickelodeon; Noggin; Nick 2; Nicktoons; Spike; The N; TV Land; Vh1; Vh1 Classic; and Vh1 Soul.

Time Warner says that Viacom has “asked for an exorbitant increase in their carriage fees and their network ratings are sagging.” Meanwhile, Viacom says that the “renewal we are seeking is reasonable and modest relative to the profits TWC enjoys from our networks.”

TWC was my cable provider in LA, and I must say that I hated them. They were awful. I even ranted about it on this blog, here, years ago, and that post still gets traffic and comments from people Googling the words “Time Warner sucks.” So, whatever’s going on here, I’m certain it’s Time Warner’s fault, and I hope this pisses off their subscribers to the point that they go out of business forever, because they are evil. The end.

This is craziness!

The Ruler of Dubai, His Highness Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, has ORDERED that all forms of New Years Eve celebrations in the city be called off in solidarity with the Palestinian people, who are currently at war with Israel.

In support of the Palestinians in Gaza Sheikh Mohammed has instructed all concerned authorities in Dubai to put this order in place and take necessary procedures to circulate the decision to all concerned parties.

According to Sheikh Mohammed’s order, Dubai will mark the New Year with a “sombre tone” as a token of solidarity with the Palestinian people in general and Gaza Strip in particular which is currently under the barrage of Israeli’s military fire.

It is unclear what impact the ruling will have on the emirate’s hotel industry which has dozens of New Year parties planned including one at the Atlantis Hotel where it has been rumoured the guest list includes footballer David Beckham and movie star Tom Cruise.

Anyone who has booked tickets for events should contact the venue directly for more details.

Wow!!! Dubai is QUITE the party town, too. I hope the Sheikh is planning to reimburse promoters for the millions of dollars that are going to be lost because of this.

Taylor Swift is UNBEATABLE.

The 16-year-old phenom is #1 on the Billboard charts AGAIN.

Unfuckingbelievable, Taylor.

Keyshia Cole came in at #2 and Jamie Foxx’s Intuition is at #3. Britney fell to #4, Beyonce to #5, and Fall Out Boy’s Folie a Deux debuted at a disappointing #8. If only Ashlee had popped out twins!

Seriously, though, how hard does Taylor Swift rock???

The next time this hottie superstar sees a Jonas Brother it’ll be on a Where Are They Now? VH1 special. BOO-YAH!

Thanks Brian!

Don’t get all excited.  Evil Beet is not for sale.  Under the right circumstances, she could be for rent though.  In other words, contact me if you are single, Jewish and not on a work-release program and we’ll see what we can work out.

Defamer, one of the more misbehaved children of the Gawker family, has been kicked out on it’s ass.  Or, you know, it’s for sale.  If you happen to have enough money to actually buy it, and you meet the above-listed criteria, email me.  I’ve got just the vegan half  marathoner woman for you and bringing Defamer to the door would go so much further than the cliche flowers and/or candy.  If you’re still on the fence, I’ll leave you with this:  She can suck a softball through a drinking straw.  Seriously, email me.