Who are the people that are buying Paris Hilton perfumes?  Paris Hilton fragrance sales have topped $90M.  Ninety.  Million.  Dollars.  Seriously, if you are one of these mystery consumers, I urge you to publicly confess right now.  With the exception of office gag gifts and a few bitter mothers-in-law with hated daughters-in-law,  I cannot fathom the audience that is buying these products. 

In general, I don’t really understand the appeal of celebrity fragrances.  There is no star that I look at and wish I could smell like.  And according to perfume reviewers, Paris smells “plodding and flat.”

Paris today at Macy’s in Woodbridge NJ peddling her scent that starts at $45 a bottle.

“In five years I would like to be married and have a father figure for my kids, someone who is a provider and can be really stable.  It’s hard doing it on your own.”

Britney Spears looking old-school awesome yet totally confusing me in the January issue of Glamour.

Did I mention tonight is MTV’s Britney: For the Record documentary?  Really hoping she spills about what a slack parent K-Fed is since she’s um…doing it on her own.

 

I was so happy that we no longer hear this HJNTIY phrase every three minutes and now I fear its resurgence. 

What chance of success do you think this movie has?  It has a huge cast including Scarlett Johansson, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, Justin Long, Jennifer Connelly and Kevin Connolly.  I just don’t think that the woman that needs to see this movie ever will.  Because she’s never going to think it applies to her.

I remember one specific girl I knew who had a years-long relationship with a guy who wasn’t into her.  He would tell her he didn’t love her and that they had no future and she would reply by asking him what he meant by that.  As if he could have been any clearer.  He would tell her to “fuck off” and she viewed that as him really making an effort to communicate.  He had a one-night stand and she believed that his bad judgement was a result of his fear of the intensity of feelings he had for her.  I tried to explain that sometimes a man is just not going to be interested enough.  And it’s not always for some big meaningful reason like they feel that they don’t deserve happiness.  So if you are trying to determine if a guy is into you or not, he isn’t.  Doesn’t seem like we should need a book and a movie to grasp that concept.

Oh, allow me to save you some time and eye strain; the answer is no.  No matter how many times you slo-mo, rewind, repeat, you cannot see Scarlett Johansson’s boobs at 1:45.

Running out of holiday gift ideas for the special people in your life?  Tomorrow is Cyber Monday , another one of those merchant created non-events.  I cannot tell a lie; I finished my shopping at the beginning of the month and everything is wrapped.  But if you are normal, and have some shopping left, why not one of these?

1)  Spanx for men-  Fuck the Bowflex.  Just wear this man girdle with built in abs.  Sadly, like the push-up bra, the gig is up once you disrobe.  But it’s all about the illusion…I guess.

2)  Betty Beauty- Hair dye for your pubes.  They have the icky and overly obvious slogan of “For your hair down there.”  Available in a rainbow of colors like Malibu Blue and Fun Pink.  A male version will be on the shelves in early 2009.  Can’t really imagine why we need separate male and female formulas but apparently we do.

3)  How to Traumatize Your Children- A step-by-step guide with chapters such as “Validation is for Parking: Killing Self-Esteem” and “Imagination is an Unaffordable Luxury.”

First of all, this is a pregnancy post where you will see no use of the terms “preggers”, “baby bump” or “sperminated.”  You’re welcome. 

This is one aspect that really bothers me about celebrity gossip.  The National Enquirer is reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen is pregnant because her weight broke 100 lbs.  Maybe she’s just getting healthier.  That’s still a dangerously low BMI.  I’m starting to think that it’s impossible for a celeb with an eating disorder to ever really recover.  Because if eating a bagel leads to pregnancy rumors how do you ever get to a place of self-acceptance?  I’m sure “rounder” is the last adjective MKO wants applied to her in the media.

If she is pregnant, congrats!  But it’s The Enquirer so I remain dubious. 

Above, a picture of MK taken on November 20th.  I think she looks very thin and as if maybe she’s on the road to better health.

Tom Hanks’ back-to-back Best Actor Oscars in 1993-94 for Philadelphia and Forrest Gump were just a time killer while he was waiting to be bestowed the greatest gift of all…a career courtesy of John Travolta.  Travolta’s rejection of the lead in the 1999 film The Green Mile was what really opened doors for Hanks.  Not Bosom Buddies, Splash, or Big.  Or two Academy Awards won over half a decade prior to the release of Green Mile.  It was all about John Travolta saying “Thanks, but no thanks.”  Tom Hanks must just wake up every day saying “I owe every success I have to Freddie Mercury John Travolta.”  

Now if America’s favorite Scientologist could just say “no” to hair in a can…

Here’s Revolta’s official arrogance:

“Green Mile I probably should have said yes to… But I gave…Tom Hanks a career!  What you turn down can be a gift to someone else.”

and had to get up to take Tums.  Because I’m basically 97 and have heartburn.  And since I was up, I went online because I have an addictive personality.  There is breaking news…

Barack Obama is nominating Senator Hillary Clinton as his secretary of state on Monday.  It isn’t as great as the dream ticket would have been, but it is still pretty damn exciting.