Rumors began this morning that Josh Hartnett had sexual relations with some chick in a hotel library, and the library’s security cameras caught the whole thing in grainy black-and-white detail.

This story raises a number of questions, the most pressing of which is: since when do hotels have libraries? Who the hell calls room service like “Um, yes, I’ll have a cheeseburger, a bottle of Shiraz and anything Upton Sinclair wrote before 1925.”

WTF?

At any rate, if this tape does exist, the infamous producers of the Paris Hilton sex tape wanna get their hands on it and they’ve offered whoever has the tape $500K for it.

We are the number one distributors of celebrity sex tapes and we encourage the owners of the tape to bring it to us,” said David Joseph, CEO of Red Light District. “Josh shouldn’t be embarrassed. As we’ve seen with Paris Hilton, these tapes can make a career not hurt it and since Josh is considered a sex symbol, we would expect women to help increase sales.”

I’m okay with this, as long as we can all agree to call it Black Hawk Goes Down. Anything else would be a gross mishandling of justice.

“The first political convention I ever attended was when my mom was pregnant with me in 1984 and the Republican Party nominated Ronald Reagan for a second term as President. I have been on political stages and in campaigns since before I could walk or talk. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that it is difficult to establish your identity and independence as the son or daughter of a politician. When I was 14 years old, a reporter questioned my father about me having a hypothetical abortion, had I been pregnant at 14. This reporter’s question single-handedly changed my life. This story comes up in almost every profile written about me and in almost every interview. It’s a rough go being the son or daughter of a politician. I have not known Bristol Palin very long, but there is a certain kinship I feel to her as I do other political daughters such as Chelsea Clinton, Jenna and Barbara Bush and Mary Cheney. You can’t fully understand it unless you have lived it. So I just wanted to let it be known that I support Bristol and the entire Palin family.”

Meghan McCain, on her blog.

On a completely related note: how hot is Meghan McCain these days? I mean, check out her tits. Are those things for real? I mean, I thought I had large natural breasts for my height and weight, but, Jesus, Meghan puts me to shame. Very impressive, dear.

Because if you look closely, you’ll see that the position of the light and the angle of her face align in just such a way that she appears to have a witch’s nose.

Heh.

At The Bank Nightclub in the Bellagio in Vegas.

But who wants to talk about the perfume?

Not me.

Let’s talk about the way Christina Aguilera looks at the big launch of her scent, “Inspire,” at Macy’s in NYC. That’s so much more fun. I’ll start. I’m going to name some things that I find to be, let’s say, “sub-par” about this particular look. If I missed any, feel free to chime in.

1) That is not a dress it is a shirt. It is something you are supposed to pair with pants.

2) Pink lipstick, Christina?

3) Are you trying to “inspire” young girls to double their nightly income at the Bada Bing? No? Then change the fucking shoes, tramp.

4) Where on earth did you find platinum hair extensions that already come with split ends? Way to keep it real, girl.

In summary: Christina Aguilera is a multi-millionaire and a mother who still insists on dressing like a hooker. I just don’t get it.

The super-svelte Hilary Swank is reportedly going to put on between 20 and 30 pounds to play the lead in French Women Don’t Get Fat, an upcoming film based on a bestselling novel. Hilary’s also a producer on the film.

You’ve already won two Oscars, Hilary. Why on earth do you think you need to get fat for a role now? We take your acting prowess seriously, sweetheart.

I got this email from a reader the other day:

So Tucker Bounds is on TV talking about something, and all I can see are giant bunny ears coming out of his head. It’s a brilliant image, and I thank you for it!

She was, of course, referencing this post.

Mr. Bounds — John McCain’s campaign spokesman — is all over the television right now, as would be expected. And I don’t really care what he’s talking about in this clip, but I do think it’s funny that his tie, which I’m sure looked red in the mirror, looks pink on television. It’s Easter come early!

I just think the guy has the funniest Republican rich-kid name ever. And, look, I grew up with a lot of Republican rich kids, so I would know. I’d list some of their names here for comparison, but my website has this teensy tiny problem of having a really good Google page rank, so I’d be in a lot of trouble if they happened to Google their own names. Which most of them probably do hourly. So just trust me when I say that Tucker Bounds really has the creme de la creme of Republican rich-kid names.

Tucker Bounds for VP!

Seriously it’s like Senator McCain had one too many shots of tequila (perhaps with Bristol Palin?) and was like, “Hey, ya know what would be funny? If I made my running mate that hot governor chick from Alaska. Ya know, the one with the glasses? And the tits? Like, ‘You people want a woman in the White House? Okay, fine, but at least let’s make her a hot one.’ L. O. L. Fuck it, let’s do it. I mean, how funny would that shit be? Make it happen. NOW! And someone pour me another drink.”

And then, somewhere around noon the next day, he woke up with a raging headache, looked at the morning paper, and was like “Fuck. Shit. What happened last night?”

Up until 1996, when she ran for mayor, Sarah Palin was a member of the Alaskan Independence Party — a party which has considered Alaskan secession from the United States.

Um …

This is not good, Senator McCain.

Families may be off-limits, dear, but when the VP candidate herself belonged to a political party that wanted nothing to do with the, uh, United States of America?

Not. So. Off-limits.

Meanwhile, I certainly hope Barack Obama is using this hard-earned break from the spotlight to have sex with lots of hookers and get caught up on his cocaine usage. He could probably get away with it right now.