What’d We Think of the VMAs, Kids?

She may not have performed, but The Britney Spears Comeback officially started tonight, at the VMAs. Collecting all three of the awards for which she was nominated and appearing calm, poised, gracious and sober on-stage, it was the Britney we all used to know and love.

Some more thoughts as I was watching:

So I thought the bit at the beginning with Britney and Jonah Hill was actually really cute. Mostly because Jonah Hill is awesome, also because he called her “Brit-Brit,” and lastly because Britney was trying really hard, and that’s encouraging.

Then the show began, Britney spoke like three sentences — that was the entirety of her appearance as a performer, and she did all of it with the microphone hiding half her face from the camera — then these kick-ass dancers came out to do Rihanna’s “Disturbia,” and I was like, “This is gonna be fucking awesome.” And then Rihanna started singing and, IMHO, it was all pretty much a straight shot down from there.

And then Russell Brand comes out with his thick British accent and starts begging you to vote for Barack Obama (and the camera pans to Britney Spears, who’s clapping a little bit and glancing off in the distance as though she’s assumed Barack Obama is some dude up for best hip-hop video) and then starts ragging on President Bush, and, like, I’m all about ragging on President Bush, but not from you, Mr. British Man. It’s like how I’m always like “Dude, my little sister’s a pain in the ass,” and that’s cool, but if anyone else were like, “Dude, your little sister’s a pain in the ass,” I’d have to hit that person. It’s all a little inappropriate, IMHO. And then he decides to do a bit about Sarah Palin and her knocked-up daughter and her boyfriend and you know it’s all untested material from a comedian who’s not used to going live with untested material and it crashes pretty embarrassingly. I think, in general, Americans aren’t very comfortable with foreigners telling jokes at our expense. Sigh. This whole monologue is painful.

Britney wins the Best Female Video right off the bat and gets to the stage and gives a very short, sober, non-crazy acceptance speech, as though she hadn’t been chillin’ in psych wards since the last time we saw her. It’s all very matter-of-fact and humble. Britney’s actively trying to tone down the hype surrounding her right now. I think that’s exceptionally wise. Praise Jesus for Larry Rudolph.

Demi Moore comes in to introduce the Best Male Video award, and she was too busy off-stage asking people if that skirt made her legs look fat (answer: yes) to figure out how she was going to get a microphone. She spins around on stage awkwardly until a stagehand brings her one.

Taylor Swift introduces the Jonas Brothers, one of whom she’s dating, although I can’t remember which one. This looks like a segment out of Sesame Street right now. I take that back. Sesame Street would be more interesting, and I might even learn something other than exactly how tightly Nick Jonas can squint his eyes without them actually being closed. I like how there’s, like, Nick Jonas, Joe Jonas and Awkward Jonas.

I also read that Big Rob, that huge dude who used to bodyguard for Britney Spears, now works for the Jonas Brothers. In fact, I think he makes a cameo in their “Burnin’ Up” video. Loves it.

More thoughts after the jump:

Now Katy Perry is singing “Like a Virgin,” and it’s bad. Really bad. I say this with absolutely no hyperbole: I could do this better.

Russell Brand is talking about putting chapstick on his penis. Ugh.

Michael Phelps is systematically removing every ounce of sex appeal from his public persona. He does a stupid cameo where he introduces Leona Lewis and T-Pain with the absolute least amount of interest he can muster.

Why do we even bother having rappers perform at the VMAs? You have to bleep out literally every third word. Why do we do this?

La Lohan has changed out of her super-hot dress into some weird lesbian half-tuxedo thing. Lucky for her, her co-presenter, Ciara, looks like she got dipped in a boiling vat of ugly before they sent her onstage, so Lindsay gets a pass on the inexplicable costume change.

Ya know, I love Paramore, but I can’t wait until Hayley Williams gets a couple years older and starts out on a solo career. It’s gonna be fucking killer. This girl’s such a natural.

Heh. Shia LaBeouf’s wearing his DUI cast. Hides his hands behind his back, but I caught a glimpse of it as he was walking onstage.

Talk all the shit you want about Miley Cyrus, but, an hour into this awards show, she’s the first presenter who hasn’t flubbed her lines. And she’s 15 years old. I’m just saying.

It’s cool to watch Pink perform live because she’s such a fucking pro. She’s not nervous, she’s not off-key, she’s freakin’ sliding two stories down on a linen rope without missing a beat, while Katy Perry can’t stand on a simple stage and get two syllables out of her mouth without at least one of them being flat. IMHO, she’s the best live performance so far.

Pete Wentz and a preggers Ashlee Simpson. Pete’s like “That’s my wife! And my baby! Give it up!” Heh. We all know she did.

We’re joking about Slipknot being here, right? No. No, we’re not. Jesus, this is an awkward bit.

We’re about an hour and fifteen minutes in, and I’m wishing I were still at the point in my life where it felt acceptable to get completely trashed on a Sunday night. Hard liquor would make this way, way better. I’m wondering now if the VMAs have actually gotten worse over the years, or if I just drink less these days. It’s a valid question.

Jordin Sparks. Takes Russell Brand to task for making fun of promise rings earlier in the show. “It’s not bad to wear a promise ring, because not everybody — guy or girl — wants to be a slut.” That’s true, Jordin. And not everybody — guy or girl — wants to be a virgin. To each his own.

Christina Aguilera. This is actually a really cool new arrangement of “Genie in a Bottle.” Is she lip-synching here? I think she is. That’s kinda shitty of her. And is it some rule at these VMAs that all female performers have to wear weird black Spandex-y dominatrix shit? In all, though, not a poor showing by Christina. She’s usually pretty solid.

Russell Brand tries to apologize for making fun of virgins, winds up making a stupid R. Kelly joke about pissing on teenagers — ya know, you can hit bottom whenever you decide to quit digging, Russell. Just an FYI.

Why does Lauren Conrad always sound like she just smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in fifteen minutes? Why? She and Chace Crawford are here to present the award for Best New Artist, and both of them look devastated when the card says that the award goes to Tokio Hotel. Ouch, guys. How does Tokio Hotel pull off a viewer-voted win like this, anyway? Some sort of abuse of technology, I’m sure.

Paris Hilton gets onstage to present, can’t find the teleprompter or the camera. OMG. I can’t stop laughing. Presenting Best Pop Video. Goes to Britney!!!! WOOT WOOT! Even Paris sounds excited about this, but doesn’t give Britney much of a hug when she gets up there. Again, short, sweet, humble acceptance speech.

Kid Pebble has his drink on stage. So, so classy. Playing that stupid song about summer love in 1989 that I think just makes me sad because I haven’t had a summer love since, like, 1989. Also: “We were trying different things / We were smoking funny things.” Who wrote that dumbass line? Like, yeah, it rhymes, dude, because it’s the same word. I hate this song.

Kobe Bryant. Is tall. Britney Spears is golf-clapping for him. Ha. Presenting Video of the Year. This better go to Britney Spears, mostly because if it goes to the Pussycat Dolls or the Jonas Brothers, I’ll have to boycott MTV forever and ever. BRITNEY WINS!!! Pussycat Dolls do not look pleased. At all. Dedicates it to her fans. Twice. Hooray! Yay Brit-Brit! Russell Brand scoots her away on the back of a golf cart, and their en route banter is the funniest stuff Russell’s done the whole show.

Kanye closes. I’m not sure what he’s doing, exactly. Singing about a broken heart, I assume, as evidenced by the gigantic, flashing, red broken heart pinned onto his suit. There’s a cool little ninja-style drum line thing going on behind him. I dig the ninja drummers. I want ninja drummers to follow me around all day. And whenever I say something important, we’d cue the ninja drummers. It would be awesometastic. Is Kanye done yet? Please? I’m so bored of this. Ooooh! Ninja drummers are back! Love the ninja drummers!

Yay!!! The VMAs are over!!! A whole freakin’ YEAR until I have to go through this shit again. I feel like I just got done with my pap smear. Phew.

What did you guys think?

Will we ever return to the glory days of the VMAs?

And, most importantly, when does Britney’s real comeback begin??? I am so excited for when she finally gets back on stage and rocks it.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, September 7th, 2008 at 10:32 pm and is filed under Britney Spears. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.