Hi there.

You may have just read Beet mentioning that I (and maybe EvilT??) are going to fill in for a few posts. Exciting stuff, right? I know, I know, I suck and every time I fill in some big name celebrity dies. So my apologies in advance to the readers AND the dead people.

However, if you don’t mind, I’d like to go off on a slight rant.

I know you guys get a ton of EB telling you about her personal life. From her preferred method of sexual intercourse to how many people Leo peed on in a given day – you probably feel like you’re reasonably well informed on our Beet. I felt that way too.

But given what she told me before she went out of town I’ve got to ask: What is going on with our girl??

Let’s look at the facts.

She used to live in L.A. Now she lives in Seattle. She used to be bleach blonde. Now she’s a vivacious brunette. She used to sit inside and surf the net for porn like some sort of weird deviant. NOW SHE’S HIKING OUTDOORS???

Do you see my concern here? I mean, you think you know someone and then they go off hiking on you. And picking berries?? The Beet I know wouldn’t have risked scratching those perfectly manicured hands to pick a goddamn berry. She would have paid someone to bring the berries to her mountain lair. That was Evil Beet style. Now? I don’t know. I assume she’s off doing pilates in a forest. Clearly the world has turned on its axis.

I guess I’m not mad so much as alarmed. I mean, what’s next? Will she be getting some tribal art on her arm? Perhaps volunteering to help plant trees? I used to call her and she’d be at Les Deux. Now she’s not getting service because she’s “connecting with nature.”

Anyway. That’s all for now. If a gossip story jumps out of my computer today I’ll post something hateful about it. Rest assured I’m NOT going outside today. You ever been to Seattle? It’s like fucking Mordor right now.

Yours in love and loss,

Spiteful Lars

Hey kiddos.

I’m peacing out for the next couple of days to, ya know, actually go on the kind of vacation where I’m not checking in on my blog every four hours. I may be around here and there, but, in general, I’m leaving you in the very capable hands of Spiteful Lars, and, if we’re lucky, maybe even Evil T will swing by for old time’s sake.

I’ll be back by the weekend.

Smooches!

Here’s the very first music video from Disney up-and-comer/Miley Cyrus nemesis Selena Gomez.

What’s the verdict, kids? Does this girl have what it takes to be the next Miley Cyrus? Maybe she needs to leak a few sexy pics before we can really make that decision.

TEAM MILEY!

HOW HOT is the DVD cover for the Gossip Girl screener sent out to journalists?

Oh Chuck Bass.

If I had even a shred of virginity left in me, you could have it, baby.

Uh, so The CW has posted a few clips of the girls from the upcoming “cycle” of America’s Next Top Model. Of course, the one who’ll be getting the most attention at the start is Ms. Isis, who’s single-handedly taking the “menstrual” out of the “cycle” this time around. She’s transgendered. Her clip is above.

In general, though, the girls this season really seem to have been fished out of the shallow end of the gene pool. There’s not a one of them who doesn’t come off sounding at least mildly disabled in her interview. And there’s no plus-size contestant this cycle. In fact, I’d be surprised if any of these girls gets a regular period, considering their body-fat level. It’s like the producers were like, “Look, okay, we’ll stick a she-male in there, but, in exchange, all the rest of the girls get to promote unrealistic body images. Fair?”

After the jump, meet Sheena, Clark, McKey and Lauren.

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OMG what a little BEYOTCH. I wish I could slip my hand right through the Internet and smack Solange Knowles across the face.

Solange was doing an interview with Fox News in Las Vegas to promote something I don’t give a shit about. Before the interview started, the interviewers asked her publicist if they could talk to Solange about the closing of Jay-Z’s 40/40 club. The publicist said no, and that was that. But apparently Solange is such a dumbass that she didn’t realize that the conversation took place off the air, so, when they went live, Solange immediately goes on a little tirade blasting the anchor for bringing a discussion of Jay-Z into the mix. The anchor is just confused, and then a producer’s voice comes in and says “That wasn’t live, Solange. That wasn’t on TV,” and Solange is just like “Oh” and then proceeds to give one of the most detached and bitchy interviews I’ve ever seen in my life.

Listen up, you little twat. You are famous because of the hard work your sister did. In fact, every single interview you do should be about Beyonce and Jay-Z, because you are absolutely nothing on your own, and no one would even know your name, let alone be interviewing you on live television, if it weren’t for those people. You’ve got no right to have an attitude. You are nothing on your own. So shut the fuck up and be nice, bitch.

If you don’t understand what I’m so pissed off about, click here and watch the clip for yourself. You’ll want to smack her too.

“I have to say, Katie Holmes has become so much more sophisticated in so many ways, but I think she’s in a dip right now. I can’t explain it. She ascended from this tomboyish waif look to an incredible sexy sophisticate. We realize how much style she’s capable of. I don’t get it.”

Style guru Tim Gunn, on Katie Holmes’ current denim disaster.

You know, I love Tim Gunn, but I just have to say this: for all the style knowledge he has, do you think he could maybe visit the dermatologist every now and then? His skin is always so red and splotchy. These things are treatable. You’d think he’d know that.

Thanks Linda!