I cannot remember the last time I bought an issue of People magazine when I wasn’t about to board a flight. I will, however, be rushing to my local newsstand on Monday to purchase a copy of the magazine, which will reportedly contain thirty pages of photos of the new Brangelina babies.

Some initial photos will be on People’s website on Sunday, at 7 pm EST, but goddammit I want to thumb through all thirty pages. I want to see those fucking twins in every pose imaginable. And for $14M (the reported price), they sure as shit better have photos of those babies playing with puppies. Like, really little puppies. I am calling the Better Business Bureau if there are no puppies in this spread.

Oh and you wanna know what’s extra exciting, guys???

I bought a printer/fax machine a couple weeks ago, and it turns out that the damn thing has a scanner! I learned that when my friend was staying with me earlier in the week, and I slept in until 10 am, and when I woke up she was sitting at my computer in the living room and I was like “What are you doing?” and she was like “Oh just scanning in a few documents that I need,” and I was like, “How?” and she was like, “Um, using the scanner sitting right here?” So I have a scanner! So you know what? I’m gonna scan ALL THIRTY PAGES OF THIS SHIT for you guys. And then I’m going to get a cease and desist from expensive lawyers and then I’m going to take it down. So save them to your computer while you can. Remember: check here on Monday!!!

Neither Madonna nor Lourdes looked particularly happy as they left the Kabbalah center in NYC yesterday.

Madge’s age is starting to show.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing — and it’s kind of cool how she doesn’t seem to be ashamed of it, I mean, she’s not wearing inches upon inches of make-up, and I actually kind of dig that.

Her body’s still way better than mine’ll ever be.

Courtenay Semel is like the Tony Romo of the lesbian world.

First the daughter of Yahoo’s CEO was hooking up with Lindsay Lohan, and now her new flame seems to be Tila Tequila.

Anything to stay in the spotlight, right???

Way to go, Linds!

After LA police chief William Bratton stepped WAY over the line by involving Lindsay Lohan’s sexuality in an on-the-record discussion of pending paparazzi legislation, Lindsay had some choice words to say to him when the paps tracked her down at the airport.

“Police, you shouldn’t get involved in everyone else’s business when it comes to their personal life, it’s inappropriate,” she said.

As for Samantha? She’s updated her Facebook status to say “chief bratton should talk less and do more.”

I’m actually shocked that Chief Bratton’s not getting more static for this. I cannot believe he just dragged Lindsay’s fucking sexuality into a discussion of what the paparazzi can and can’t do. It’s grossly inappropriate and unprofessional, and it’s shocking to me that he hasn’t seen further consequences for this.

Is this:

a) The poster for a summer blockbuster involving young mafia members making a name for themselves on the rough-and-tumble streets of New York City

b) A new ad for ManHunt.com

or

c) The cover art for the upcoming New Kids on the Block album?

Jump in for the answer!

(more…)

OMG this is one of those stories that I live for.

Nikki Fucking Blonsky — yeah, the fat chick from Hairspray — was arrested (along with her father!) after getting into a fight with a woman at Providenciales International Airport in Turks and Caicos.

IT GETS BETTER!

The woman?

Is the mother of ANTM’s Bianca!

Yes! It’s true!

And Bianca was involved in the fight! And she was arrested too!

Bianca’s mom was hurt so badly that she had to be immediately flown to a hospital in Miami. And Nikki was in a neck brace!!!!

And what was the fight over??

NIKKI’S FAMILY WAS SAVING SEATS IN THE AIRPORT AND BIANCA’S FAMILY WANTED THEM!

THIS FIGHT WAS OVER SEAT-SAVING!!!!

OMG OMG OMG.

How much crack were these people smoking???

Please, Lord, if someone caught this shit on a cell phone camera, I will make a pilgrimage to Mecca, if that’s what you want. Just please, please, please let us see this video. PUH-LEASE!

Word on the street is that Playgirl will be folding in the near future.

I have purchased Playgirl once. A guy I went to college with was in it, or so the rumor went. He was actually this super-sweet, super-hot, way smart dude who was getting his engineering degree a little later in life, while stripping on the side to support himself and his 10-year-old son. Needless to say, I had a crush on him. So when I heard he was in Playgirl, I dragged one of my girlfriends to Castle Boutique with me, where we poured through the stacks of Playgirl until we found his issue. We sheepishly purchased it, then read it, and it’s probably still in a box somewhere in my mother’s garage. I never told him I knew about it. I have no idea what that guy is doing today. In fact, I can’t even remember his name. I knew him for three years — we had a lot of classes together — and my friends and I always just called him Stripper Boy. So I can’t even Google him. Ha.

Anyway.

Goodbye, Playgirl. Thanks for the memories.

My mom is currently at the Phoenix airport, preparing to fly out to Seattle for her very first visit here since I moved. This means a variety of wonderful things, including but not limited to:

- My dog will get trained
- My car will get fixed
- My closet will get organized
- My fridge will have food in it other than Diet Coke and ketchup

I was at work yesterday afternoon wandering around the office collecting people’s leftovers from lunch to take home to eat for dinner. And MAN did I have a feast afterward (beef taco with cheese, homemade blueberry pie and cinnamon cookies … I’m sure all the food groups made it in there somewhere), but people were like, “Uh … does anybody feed you?” No. Nobody feeds me. And therein lies the problem. So my mom will be here to feed me, hooray!

But anyway she will be here in three and a half hours, which means the cleaning of my apartment must commence NOW. But don’t worry, I’ll be by later to check in with you guys.