Hi guys! I’m back from vacay! Which was wonderful! But you know how awful it is when you get the most relaxing massage ever and then get in your car to head home and hit terrible traffic? And you’re like “Fuckin’ a, this shit just un-did all my relaxation?”

Michael Lohan is my traffic jam.

What kind of parasitic slime uses the death of his own father to diss his ex-wife, lie about his daughter and satiate his sick need for fame?

Oh, yes. Michael Lohan.

So Michael’s father (Lindsay’s grandfather) died, he issued this statement to OK! magazine:

“My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina’s attorney. Let’s see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral. THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that’s par for the course with Dina! She didn’t even send a card or visit when he was sick.”

OMG! Does he even realize how fucking insane this sounds? Allow me to explain:

Michael Lohan’s To-Do List After Death of Father:

1) Call Michael Jr.
2) Call Lindsay
3) Call Ali
4) Call Cody
5) Call OK! magazine
6) Photograph dead father from several angles in case anyone’s interested in buying the pics

This man is SICK SICK SICK.

And then he sells this bullshit to E!:

“I was holding him, laying in bed with him, when he died. Lindsay did reach out to me. She sent me a message this morning. She said, ‘Now papa has found peace and maybe we can find peace in our lives, too.’ “

This comes just a day after Lindsay publicly begged her father to keep the media out of her life.

So Lindsay’s taking to her MySpace blog to fight back. Today, she writes:

just going to put it out there, i have had no contact with my father.
and i hope he uses this time to keep mourn the loss of his father, rather than taking the time to talk to the media about me or anyone in my life.
better he just keeps his mouth shut.

on another note-
im having fun on the set of Ugly Betty, the cast is great, the crew is great, and it’s nice to be at work, doing what i love to do!

xoxox

Listen, Lindsay, some free advice: Have your publicist contact every major tabloid publication out there: OK!, People, E!, News of the World, InTouch, everyone. Tell them that anyone who runs a quote from or story about Michael Lohan will never, ever, at any point in the future, receive a quote, an interview or any manner of exclusive with you. You’re the one who’s actually famous here, sweetie. Take back control.

Wow. Governor Sarah Palin from Alaska was elected in 2006. And now she’s on the McCain ticket.

I knew nothing about her before the pick, and a quick reading of her wiki reveals only the following:

Life long member of the NRA

Runner up for Ms. Alaska in 1984

Pro-Life

AK is one of the only states with a constitutional ban on gay marriage.

Two terms on Wasilla City Council

Beloved in Alaska (80% approval rating)

Her oldest son named Track is set to be deployed to Iraq in September as a member of the U.S. Army Infantry.

She’s getting ready to speak on CNN. On one hand I’m thrilled that now whoever wins the streak of only white dudes will be broken. On the other hand I’m not sure strategically how Palin could be mistaken for Clinton.

But it will be interesting to see how it all plays out…

He is addicted to sex. Ummmm, what????

This is a random piece of news.

“I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction,” he said in a statement released through his lawyer, Stanton “Larry” Stein. “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Larry, tell us more! Did playing an oversexed guy on “Californication” make you addicted to sex? Have you always been this way? Was it the aliens? Is is porn? Other women????

I hate these weird cryptic statements…I want the dirty details.

Oh calm down, I’m not talking about Michelle.

The American Kennel Club had a poll to choose the first Dog for Obama and his family. The Poodle won!

In a national poll of 42,000 people, the Poodle narrowly edged past the Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier as the top dog for the Obamas, the American Kennel Club (AKC) said.

Obama has said that he would get his daughters a dog after the election.

What kind of dog would you get for the Obama family?

Well Jessica Simpson has now “reinvented” herself as a Country Singer.

Sigh.

It is a bit creepy how she all of a sudden got the sexy football player boyfriend, a pair of cowboy boots and now she really thinks that she can connect with country fans.

She also has a Maltipoo that she carries in a designer dog bag. Click below to sample. The whole album really isn’t that bad I hate to say. She has always had a knockout voice when she wasn’t trying to be all riffy riffy.

http://www.wqik.com/pages/doyouknow.html

Also Lars, I have missed you. Really do we have to do this in front of all of the readers? It has been too long.

The Beet, however, loves me best.

I think EvilT and I might be in a posting war… she hasn’t said hello to me or anything. And all in a shameless and transparent attempt to win EvilBeet’s love. The truth is neither of us have a chance, T. Give up the ghost.

So then, people have been emailing, calling, and texting – asking exactly what my relationship with THE EVIL BEET is. It’s a fair question. After all, she’s announced who she is publicly while I never will. The sad fact is that the nature of my stature makes it impossible for me to “spill the beans.” After I won that first Pulitzer I signed a non-disclosure thingy saying I’d never bring shame upon the blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, I WAS lucky enough to get it on video when Beet left this morning. I can post this because it doesn’t reveal my identity. You may note that I look a TON like that guy who is now on the hit TV show Lost. But I’m not him. Because I’m a 55 year old Samoan man who has won a Pulitzer and now resides in sunny Seattle, WA.

This is us saying goodbye this morning when her dad came to get her. Man, I really miss that chick already. Come home soon Beeeety!

(note: I’ve also gone to the trouble of captioning this for our Spanish readers because I’m JUST THAT GOOD.)

(**note: okay, it’s actually Portuguese. Alert reader Marcella nailed me on that little “detail”**)

Gold medal-winning Olympic decathlete Bryan Clay looking really really sexy with a gold medal to boot!

I understand a lot of you readers don’t think Michael Phelps has the whole package (ie- he kind of looks like Screech Powers from the neck up) but you can’t deny the hotness that is Bryan Clay.

Clay was the first American since Dan O’Brien in 1996 to win gold in the decathlon. Ah, I miss the Olympics.