Holy freakin’ hell, let me get this straight: the first photos of Halle Berry’s daughter, Nahla Ariela Aubry, are not in the pages of People magazine. Halle has chosen not to profit off the birth of her child? Weird, weird, weird.

Instead, the first pics of baby Nahla come from a recent visit to the zoo.

Look at that child’s eyes! And her lips! Gorgeousness!

Now I know why Halle’s kept her hidden for so long. She doesn’t want to incur the wrath of Shiloh. Little Nahla’s giving that little Jolie-Pitt bitch a run for her money. Those two are sooo going to fight over Greek shipping heirs when they grow up.

Okay, I just feel the need to update you all on my diet and exercise progress.

I am now at five weeks smoke-free (woot woot!) and I’m still getting in about a half hour of cardio daily and doing weights two or three times a week. This is all very awesome, right? So why am I not losing any weight?

I seem to have figured it out.

Recently, I have taken myself off the all-green-foods diet — because it had a teeny tiny shortfall in that it made me want to die all day long — and have moved to Weight Watchers. Their Flex plan basically lets you eat whatever you want as long as you stay within a certain amount of points.

Weight Watchers recommends that, given my height, weight, age and weight-loss goals, I should stay within 21 points a day. So, yesterday, I began rigorously recording my food intake and points in their online system.

Do you wanna know how many points I consumed on Friday?

69.5.

And on Saturday?

70.

OMG.

I am eating over three times as much as I should be if I want to lose any weight at all.

Models are fucking crazy, yo. This shit’s not normal.

Michael Phelps helps promote swimming at a YMCA in New York City.

It’s cool to think about how many young people Michael Phelps will inspire to start swimming. Shit, after watching him in the Olympics, even I briefly considered going to the local Y and swimming some laps. But then, ya know, there’s parking to deal with, and I’d have to get a membership, and what if it’s cold, and would I be allowed to wear a bikini or would I have to buy a one-piece, and probably I’ll push myself too hard trying to impress some hot guy three lanes down and the end result of all of this can only be that I will drown in six feet of water at the YMCA wearing an outfit that makes my tummy look especially pudgy. Not good at all. But children don’t think things through that clearly, so hopefully their inspiration will actually result in them swimming.

Did I mention I think Michael Phelps is hot?

“I was just thinking, this Gustav is proof that there is a God in heaven. To just have it planned at the same time, that it would actually be on its way to New Orleans for Day One of the Republican convention, up in the Twin Cities, at the top of the Mississippi River.”

Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore, to MSNBC, on news that Hurricane Gustav may result in next week’s Republican National Convention being postponed.

Families in New Orleans are currently being evacuated.

Check out my sex kitten Hugh Laurie performing “Such a Night” at a Netflix concert this week.

Oh, Dr. House. You can use your tool to perform invasive explorations of my body any day, baby.

Brooke Mueller (aka Mrs. Sheen) shows off her growing belly at her first public appearance since news of her pregnancy hit the interwebs.

She and Charlie attended the grand opening of Yellowtail Sushi Restaurant & Bar At Bellagio in Vegas. Also there: Paris Hilton, Michelle Rodriquez, Shar Jackson, Wilmer Valderrama and that stupid bitch Janelle from Sunset Tan. But I’m not posting any pictures of Janelle because I refuse to play any role in making that self-obsessed, worthless little whore famous.

There have been rumors for several months now, but I think Lance Bass has made it official by dragging hottie (married!) trainer Sebastian Leal to Puerto Rico with him for the grand opening of Brother Jimmy’s BBQ in San Juan. Looks like Lance has a new lover boy.

Granted, Sebastian’s been separated from his wife, Jessica Gannon, for years now (and it may well have been a green card marriage, since he was born in Brazil), but still. Scandalicious!!!

Sorry, you guys know how excited I get about photos of Alfonso Ribeiro. I don’t know why. I just do.

Carlton hit up a party in Puerto Rico this weekend, along with Joey Fatone and Jamie-Lynn Sigler, who seems to be popping up everywhere these days now that she’s single. Good for her.