I Want to Do Such Dirty Things to Michael Phelps
August 14th, 2008 by Evil Beet
Yes, yes, yes. Michael Phelps won the 200m IM today — and set a new world record while he was at it — putting him six for six in his quest for Olympic record-setting. But we all knew that would happen.
NBC ran a little clip about his body before his race. That’s not fair, NBC! Teasing us like that! And here’s the real news: Did you know that Michael wears a SIZE 14 SHOE? And that his hands are the SIZE OF PLATES? Let’s not use euphemisms here, people: this guy has an enormous penis. And I want to have sex with it.
So while he was swimming, I was thinking about how I could land him, and I stumbled on a plan. Once upon a time, I dated a rock star in LA. Here’s the deal: my roommate was hooking up with his neighbor, so we all went over to this guy’s house, and he and I start chatting, and he tells me he’s in this band and he tells me the name of the band, and I’m like, “Oh, wow, that’s nice,” thinking it’s some kind of local band. I’d never heard of it. I’m sure I acted genuinely bored with the whole “I’m in a band” thing, because, frankly, I was, but the guy was cool and really sweet and funny and had the best weed in California so I hung out with him while my roommate and her boy went off to fuck. About an hour into our conversation, I excuse myself to use the bathroom, and as I’m walking through the hall, I notice that there’s a fucking Grammy on the wall. And so I go back into the living room and I’m like, “This might be a weird question, but is your band, like, famous?” And he just kind of laughed and was like, “Yeah, sorta.” But we dated for awhile after that — it ended when he went on tour and I had no intention of trusting him around groupies, and, frankly, he had no intention of being trusted around groupies — but he told me the reason he went for me was that he could tell right away that I really didn’t know his band or that he was famous, and he liked that.
So here’s the Michael Phelps plan:
I run into him casually. Get introduced. Start with the small talk. Giggle. Then I’m gonna be all like, “Hey, you know, some friends and I were going to go kayaking this weekend if you want to come. But we’re a little short on life jackets. Do you know how to swim?”
And then, my friends, I will get me a piece of that size 14 penis.
Which is pictured here today, instead of his pelvic bone, because I just found this picture and I think it’s delightful.
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You are hilarious, seriously, I have stopped reading perez since you have gotten so funny. I love the sexy details!
BEET! Steven and Mark Lopez (taekwondo)are SUPER hot!! They haven’t won any medals yet, but I still think they deserve some attention.
Beet – he’s moving to Baltimore after the Olympics… you’re welcome to come stay with me anytime if you’d like to do some Phelps-stalking :)
Beet, you are a scream! And I’m sure you have better sense to pay attention to the “haters”. I loved your trainer’s comment! :D
@ ugh i am not into him either. yes, he has the body of a god – but that face – and the open fly catching mouth thing all the time. strong back, weak mind…
haha I think that is a brilliant plan it just might work.
Or what if he’s one of those stuck up guys and he gets offended when you ask if he can swim and he’s all like…”You DON’T know who I am?”
While all of you are out running after Phelps, I’ll be getting nice and cozy with that Ryan boy. I don’t care about 14″, those blue eyes alone will make me cum.
My husband has size 16 feet! And other equipment to match.
I have nothing substantive to add, it’s just so rare that I have an opening to brag about that. Also, I thought Beet was completely doable in the NYC pictures posted a while back, I think Michael Phelps would win a gold medal in a hot-body-weird-face competition, and I want to know who the rocker is.
sigh! yes I’m back again staring at this picture. I just realized he has his arms spread wide welcoming all to have a chance. Ok I think I have tonights fantasy…
Ugh and others: THANK GOD! I was beginning to worry about what was wrong with me that I find his looks (face only) less than average, even dorklike and dare I say…rather homely.
What’s up with the “awaiting moderation” after my name? Can someone explain?
talk about battle of the bulge…it’s like his size 14 is bursting at the seams. dayum!
lol
you deserve a grammy for your posts!!
love xox
Phelps has a hot bod, but his face looks like my little brother’s best friend, and I can’t get over that. Ick. Best of luck with that, Beet. I saw Counting Crows tonight and Adam claims he has a gf…so I guess it’s a better idea to focus on someone else.
So, who was the band member? Or at least the band?
I know it’s a late comment but I loved this story, lol.
OMG, and I completely agree… you gotta say who the band member… or the band…O__O. GOTTA SAY IT. lolz.
Hmm… Beet, it’d be sweet if, as a perk to your readers, to thank us for our everlasting loyalty, you could give us vouchers to get a look see at Phelps’ uh, pubic bone and surrounding area(s). It’d give you an excuse to throughly inspect the material to make sure its fit for your readers’ consumption ;) (no need for stupid “take a kayak” excuses!)
Oh yeah, and I have to join in on the chorus for the identity of rocker boy!
You know what’s funny? that Speedo is so thight it looks like body-painting! Hahahaha XD
By the way: the rocker, the band… Either of those names will make us happy ;)
Thanks Beet for giving my sexual fantasies a whole new twist tonight, with that 14 size penis, you are my idol!!! =D
OH
COME. ON.
SAY WHO THE ROCKER WAS!
He does have a girlfriend but he won’t tell say what her name is. He keeps things hidden and he’s not the type of guy that you think. He’s more conservative than that. I don’t think he falls for those kind of girl plays unless you’re very very pretty and keep his attention seeing as he has ADHD and gets bored quickly.
You are too funny. Everyone in the world is diefying him and you just want that big old wiener. As if we all aren’t wanting the same thing, but have to pretend to be watching him swim.
I just came across this website tonight! Your blogs about the Phelpsy are hilarious…All of those thoughts on my head, you write down in the blog…Keep up the good work!
phelps is so freakin hot i sure would like to have that 14 in penis in me and in my mouth hes the hottest man alive you rock beet
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SIZE 14 PENIS YOU DUMB BITCHES IT WOULD BE A 14 INCH WEE WEE IF ANYTHING..SHOWS HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE/ KNOWLEDGE YOU KNOW ABOUT THE MALE ANATOMY. HE IS HOT FROM THE NECK HE HAS A DOWN SYNDROME FACE. I WOULD TAP THAT EITHER FROM THE BACK OR WITH A BAG ON FACE OR IF I WAS COMPLETELY WASTED. AND YALL KNOW YOU THINK HE IS UGLY WE JUST LOVE HIS TIGHT TUMMY AND PECS. DONT FRONT.
wow… okay he is cute but he is a swimmer i doubt his dick is that big…
Is that his dick? Lol thats nasty if it is..