Prince William has spent the last month fighting drug trafficking on on a Royal Navy warship, and is now ready for some R&R with the love of his life, Kate Middleton.

When Wills’ tour on the HMS Iron Duke concludes on Friday, he will fly to the Caribbean, to spend two weeks with Kate. This month represents the longest the two have been apart during their entire courtship, which began when they were in college.

During his stint on the HMS Iron Duke, Wills has proven quite the crimefighter.

The Prince, whose military title on board the ship is Sub lieutenant Wales, has had an active time in the last month.

In his first week he was involved in an operation to capture a speed boat containing £20 million worth of smuggled heroin.

And last week he helped spot another vessel suspected of drug-running while aboard a Lynx helicopter. When the boat failed to stop, marines opened fire on it, shooting out the engine.

He’s a prince AND a hero!

I’m so jealous of Kate.

“I think I’ve been portrayed well on the show. But it’s based on Lauren’s life, so some of the things in my life, like my friends, aren’t on the show: my personal life with my true friends and my family, me going to acting classes, shooting a movie. They filmed a little, but they can’t air everything … I don’t feel like they show me on “The Hills” sticking up for myself. They edit that out. I’m generally happy with how I look when it comes out. In real life, though, I’m bubbly and fun and talkative and when you see me on the show I’m always sitting there and sad. But I’m fine with it because it’s not my show. I’m there because of Lauren.”

Audrina Patridge, being surprisingly reasonable, in a new interview with the LA Times.

I like that at least Audrina realizes and admits that she’s where she is because of Lauren Conrad. It makes me crazy when Heidi and Spencer talk shit about LC, and it’s like: Listen, assholes, you wouldn’t be able to cut the line at a bar in fucking Burbank if it weren’t for Lauren Conrad, let alone be hosting nights at Tao and launching clothing lines. Shut. The fuck. Up.

This is apparently the video for Ali Lohan’s new single, “All the Way Around.”

Uhhh … it’s just clips from Living Lohan. Like, clips that are in no way relevant to the song. I hope this is, like, the preliminary video that some high-school interns at E! threw together, and there’s a real video coming later. Because otherwise they’re just not trying. Are all the family’s resources re-focused on Lindsay now that it looks like she might not die soon? Ali had that brief window of her mother’s attention while her sister was in rehab for like two years straight, but now that Lindsay’s coming back, maybe everyone in the family is just forgetting about Ali. I’m having trouble thinking up any other explanation for this crapfest.

LA authorities have just announced that Sunday morning’s car accident involving Shia LaBoeuf and a whole lot of whiskey was actually the other driver’s fault.

The other driver ran a red light, and hit Shia.

The other driver will be cited, say authorities, but not, I’m guessing, for DUI, like Shia.

See, kids? It doesn’t matter how pimp your drunk driving skills are; you still run the risk that someone else’ll fuck up and hit you, and you still end up with the DUI.

Don’t drive drunk!

I’m not typically a big fan of those dancing shows, but now that it looks like former Vice President Dan Quayle may be a contestant on DWTS, I may become a fan. It’s not official yet, but he’s apparently on the short list of contestants being considered.

In fact, I’d like to pitch a new show: Dancing with the Politicians. Just get ‘em all on board! Quayle, Rumsfeld, Rove, George Sr., Condoleeza, Clinton, Kerry, McCain, Lieberman, everyone! All they do all day is dance for the cameras anyway. May as well make it entertaining.

“I don’t know how to do it like a gentleman. I don’t know how to have one drink.”

Shia LaBeouf, in a new interview with Details magazine.

Everybody’s in love!

Everybody but me. :(

So I ran a bunch of errands this afternoon, hitting up Home Depot and Safeway, and I pulled into my apartment complex’s garage and headed to the door loaded down with bags. As I’m getting up to the door, this guy parks right behind me in a super-sweet black BMW SUV. I’m hobbling to the door and I hear him be all like, “Here, let me get that for you!” And he opens the door and pushes the elevator button, and we stand there and chat for a long while, because the elevator in my apartment complex takes longer to come than Ryan Seacrest with a woman. And he’s super-hot, and he’s sweet and articulate and funny, and he’s definitely flirting, and he’s dressed in a fancy suit, which I love on a man, and I’ve pretty much decided I’m going to marry him and we’re going to have babies, and I’m naming our children in my head when I realize he’s had his left hand in his suit pocket the entire time we’re talking. And then I’m like, “Oh, Beet. Wedding ring.” And then I was sad. I mean, I’m still not sure, he could just be the kind of person who keeps his left hand in his pocket at all times for no particular reason. Except for that kind of person doesn’t exist. I know he lives on the fifth floor. I’m going to commence stalking, I think. Just in case.

But whatever. At least Paris Hilton is happy. She and Benji drove a Hybrid SUV to DCMA on Monday afternoon for a lovely little photo op. And I hate that I adore Paris’s outfit. Well, not the hat, but everything else. I may have to copy it. I probably will. And I hate that, too.