As we all recall, in the exciting days after Britney Spears settled down with Kevin Federline, the most-asked question from the lips of America’s women was “Does he have a brother?”

No, I’m totally kidding. The most-asked question was probably “Does he have chlamidia?”

Certainly, the last thing we all expected was to eventually be relieved when this man took sole custody of the couple’s two children. The universe is an unpredictable little mass, my friends.

Anyway. Kevin Federline does have a brother. His name is Chris, and it appears he carries with him a Trump National Golf Club score book and an undeserved sense of entitlement. Kevin took him along to the Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Skins Classic in Palos Verdes on Tuesday.

She just won’t quit.

Paris Hilton was in Las Vegas on Tuesday to launch her new line of shoes for Macy’s.

You can check out the full collection here.

Ugh. I would like to talk shit about this line, and there are certainly some items you’d never ever catch me wearing — even if I were a stripper — but there are also some good basic shoes in there at a reasonable price. Okay, I mean, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself here. There are like five or six pairs of shoes in this line that I really dig. The rest are pretty awful. But it’s hard to find brands that make a standard, basic black heel in the shape that I like, and Paris has nailed it. So props to her for that.

Sadness upon sadness!

I was SO SURE that after Isabel Lucas was caught in a car with a drunken Shia LaBeouf at 3 am on a Sunday morning, Adrian Grenier would dump her ass.

But no!

The two were spotted having lunch together at Urth Cafe in WeHo on Tuesday.

What the hell is she wearing?

This looks like something my five-year-old cousin would throw together. If you left her alone in a Salvation Army store. After putting LSD in her Cheerios.

It seems all the racy photo shoots — professional or not — have done little to hinder Miley Cyrus’s burgeoning career as the next teen queen. Her debut solo album (as Miley Cyrus and not Hannah Montana) is #1 on the charts this week, selling 371,000. It’s the second-best week for a female artist so far this year (Mariah Carey’s E=MC2 did relatively better with 463,000 copies).

So congratulations, Miley. I couldn’t be more pleased to have you and your unapologetic YouTube cattiness on the scene.

I would, however, like to have a discussion about what the fuck is on your jeans in this album cover. And in your hair. Did you go swimming in Spaghetti-Os?

So … why exactly did Dina Lohan leave the after-party for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 premiere in a huff?

Depends on who you believe.

Most people say that Dina, drunk as hell, threw a fit when she, Ali and a friend of Ali’s sat down at a reserved table and were later asked to move by a staffer. Dina “went apeshit,” says a source. “It so wasn’t cool.” Dina was then asked to leave the event.

However, in an email to Mark Malkin, Dina says she left voluntarily because the staffer was raising his voice to them. “He made the girls uncomfortable,” she wrote. “At that point, the girls wanted to leave.”

Um … why was he raising his voice? Because you were being an asshole about being asked to leave a table that was reserved for someone else? Yeah. Were you so hungover when you wrote this that this explanation made sense, Dina?

Another party-goer insists that the staffer was perfectly polite. “Dina was so awful,” said the source.

I know, I know. It’s all Shia all the time this week. We could move on to something else if somebody would just plant a tiny bag of heroin on Miley Cyrus and make an anonymous phone call to the LAPD. Hell, I’d do it my damn self if I still lived in LA. Selena Gomez, if you’re reading this: I will pay you back for the heroin if you want to jump on this idea.

Anywho, Access Hollywood has been stalking anyone who was even remotely involved in Sunday’s DU-Shi incident, and they found some eyewitness who said the driver of the other vehicle actually told Shia to take off. Shia, however, decided to stay.

“Shia was tending to the other people in the car, signing over information, like insurance and stuff and basically, I overheard the guy tell him, ‘You should just get out of here and go,’ and Shia said, ‘Nah man. I gotta deal with this. My license plate, it’s my car. I don’t wanna go, I gotta deal with this.’”

…

“The guy Shia hit told him, ‘You should get outta here,’ and ‘I never saw you.’ He said, ‘I never saw you,’ and Shia said, ‘No, man, I gotta stay here and deal with this. It’s my problem.”

The driver of the other vehicle, strangely, hasn’t been identified yet. Why would he tell Shia to take off? Of course the cops would eventually track him down. Was this guy hoping Shia would be like, “Oh, thanks, man. Here’s my number: call me and I’ll totally get your script produced. Catch ya later!” Good to see Shia was at least not a complete idiot about the situation.

Question: How much did you guys miss seeing Jennifer Lopez on the big screen?

a) OMG so much!
b) Not at all.
c) She used to do movies?

I guess raising children wasn’t quite as fulfilling as Mrs. Marc Anthony hoped it would be, as she’s signed on to do the romantic comedy The Governess. Or maybe she likes the kids just fine, but she’s looking for any excuse to get away from her Crypt-Keeper husband for as much time as possible.

Here’s the plot:

Story centers on a professional thief who, in order to pull off a major bank heist, poses as a nanny to the three unruly children of a wealthy widower. When she starts to fall for the kids and their father, she must decide if she can give up her past for a chance to start over.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the woman-as-bank-robber plotline never, ever, ever works. I challenge anyone to name one time it has worked. I know Katie Holmes can’t think of one. So, please, Hollywood, stop trying.

Actually, I’m noticing a pattern here: maybe women only do bank-robber movies if it’s the best excuse they have to spend some time away from their creepy husbands. Hm.