Here’s Mischa Barton getting cozy with her boyfriend, guitarist Taylor Locke, on the beach in Venice, California.

I’m sorry, but those swim trunks are not a good look for him.

I hope those are attack birds sitting next to them. You know, that would actually be a pretty cool trick. To teach a bunch of those little beach birds to attack, and then when a Heidi Montag or Paris Hilton or Mischa Barton is getting all bikini-style slutty for the paparazzi out in Malibu or Venice, you just release the birds, and then the paparazzi get all sorts of fun shots of Heidi Montag’s eyes being gouged out by an attack seagull. Everybody wins! Except Heidi Montag. But I’ve already made my peace with that.

Is is possible that, for once, OK! magazine didn’t get the baby photos?

It appears People magazine has come out on top in the bidding war for the Brangelina twin photos. People will pay between $10-15M for the photos (the exact figure has not been released). Brad & Angie will, of course, donate the cash to charity.

Normally I don’t give a crap about celebrity baby photos — because all babies just look like babies to me — but for some reason I’m really excited to see these photos. I want to see if the babies have wings and halos. I betcha they do. If not, they can at least levitate. I’m certain of that.

At least that’s what John McCain wants you to think, in this new campaign commercial comparing Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

Subtle, guys. Real subtle.

The Daily Mail has a long but fascinating piece about a one-on-one interview with Amy Winehouse. It’s here if you want to read it, but here are some choice quotes.

Downstairs, a growing pack of paparazzi has gathered in a frenzy, inches from her door, with cameras at the ready, anticipating Winehouse’s response to the latest headlines.

For the past hour, Winehouse has been getting ready to meet the paparazzi: she’s been carefully drawing the dark, thick Cleopatra swoops around her eyes, over smudges of make-up past, her long, manicured red fingernails masking a black resin lining, her lip gloss glittering pink, foundation covering little scabs that dot her face.

‘What are you going to say, Amy?’ I ask her from the sofa where I’ve been slumped over, scratching notes for the past few hours.

At 4am, after I’d spent half the night outside her apartment, hoping for an interview, Winehouse had, much to my surprise, opened the door and invited me in for beer.

Since then, Winehouse has been pottering around her house in varying states of consciousness, disappearing every half an hour or so upstairs to her bedroom and returning to talk to me a little about her music, a little about her drugs and a lot about her imprisoned husband.

Through it all, she’s an attentive and open hostess, making tea and giving me extra pieces of paper to take notes.

Now, thinking about the waiting paparazzi outside, she keeps her eyes fastened on her image in the mirror.

‘I could just go out there and say . . . I don’t know.’ Her mouth is slack. ‘I don’t know, really.’ Winehouse gives her hive one last tease and trots gamely down the stairway.

Also, it turns out Amy couldn’t pull her shit together for long enough to actually record the James Bond Quantum of Solace theme song. Alicia Keys and Jack White will be doing it instead.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Kate goes through men like Owen Wilson goes through liquor. Did that cross a line? Eh.

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are reportedly splitsville after a three-month whirlwind romance.

“There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things,” said a source. “There is no hatred, just sadness.”

I wonder what went wrong? They both seemed so gung-ho about this.

Michael Douglas is still alive, and apparently still porking Catherine Zeta-Jones. The two were spotted having a romantic getaway in Saint Tropez where I guess they went on some manner of boat.

So yet another one of my girlfriends is in Seattle visiting me — I am just a revolving door of visitors — and we decided to go to this really fancy seafood place since she’s moving to an Asian country in like two weeks and wants to get her fill of American-style food before then. We decided to split a lobster — even though it was way expensive — but when it came, it was really chewy and just not very good. Now, normally, I would have just sat there and been sad about paying a lot of money for a chewy lobster, but my girlfriend, who is awesome, told the waiter “I don’t think lobster is supposed to taste like this,” and the waiter was like, “I’m so sorry, I’ll have them make you a new one.” I was like “Woah! That was awesome!” And the second lobster was really yummy! I need to stand up for myself more often. It’s empowering, even when you’re just watching someone else do it and benefiting. Just imagine how fulfilling my life could be if I actually spoke up about little things like that. I’d tell you that I’m going to start doing that here and now, but that’s not true. I’m totally too chicken.

What else did I need to tell you guys?

Oh, yeah. Remember how I thought I had repressed the entirety of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? So my friend calls me back tonight. She’s like, “First of all, when I talked to you on Sunday night, I was really fucked up on Ambien. I just think you need to know that. Also, I just talked to my friend from college, and it was actually her that I forced to watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, not you. So you’re not crazy. I am.”

Phew.

Which celebrity gave new meaning to the phrase “hole in one” at the Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Skins Classic on Tuesday?

Find out after the jump.

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