It’s not even that slow a news day, but somehow E! has written an entire story about how LiLo and SamRo were allowed to chainsmoke inside Crown Bar in WeHo last night. Can you believe it? The management didn’t even complain.

You know what else, you guys?

It’s an EVIL BEET EXCLUSIVE!!!!

Lindsay Lohan just turned 21 last year. But somehow she’s been frequenting the club scene for about five years. By my calculations, this means she was underage for several years when she was drinking in clubs, and the management didn’t even complain.

Can you believe it? Celebrities are treated differently than other people! I smell a Pulitzer!

Anyway, the DJ at Crown reportedly played Lindsay’s new single, “Bossy,” and Lindsay didn’t even seem to care. She was just busy texting on her Blackberry. She was probably just hiding her face because she was ashamed that she had anything to do with that song.

And as for SamRo? “They didn’t kiss or hold hands, but they sat very close together,” said a spy. “At one point, Lindsay laid her head on Sam’s shoulder. You could tell they are very close.”

“Miss Hilton was neither asked, nor did she give permission, for the use of her likeness in the ad, and has no further comment,” her rep said in a statement, referring to footage of Paris being used in this commercial for John McCain.

Britney’s rep had no comment at all.

And, just for the record, some of you guys seem to think that because I’m making fun of a stupid commercial and pointing out that Jon Voight is possibly — just possibly — not qualified to write a political op-ed column for the Washington Post, that I’m all pro-Obama. And some of you guys are getting mad about it. Politicians are celebrities, folks, and I’m going to make fun of the retarded shit they do, whether they’re Republican, Democrat or even female. It’s fascinating to me that everyone around here is pretty laid-back when we’re making fun of movie stars and pop stars, but if there’s even the teensiest jab at their politico of choice, all of a sudden I’ve stepped WAY across the line. This doesn’t apply to all of you, of course, but for those to whom it does — chill out, please. I make fun of everybody. Except for Adam Duritz. Because I’m going to marry him. My making fun of a really stupid John McCain commercial does not mean I’m voting for Obama or that I think you should. It also doesn’t mean that I’m voting for McCain, that I’m voting third party, or that I’m writing in Dina Lohan as a candidate (although I do think we, as a nation, should sincerely consider that option). It means that John McCain made a really stupid commercial involving Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. That is all it means. And, as you must know by now, anything that Britney Spears or Paris Hilton does ends up on this blog. It’s in our bylaws. So let’s all relax and make fun of our fellow humans in peace, okay?

I mean, it kind of makes sense. What else is he going to do? Beat them up?

This time, Verne’s suing his ex-girlfriend and sex tape partner, Ranae Shrider, for “intentional infliction of emotional distress and battery.” Verne’s lawyer claims his former housemate “once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then throwing him to the floor.” His lawyer, in a statement to TMZ, adds that “when you pick up a 2′8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.”

And you know what he’s suing her for?

$20 million!!!

You know this chick doesn’t have that kind of money. He’s trying to bankrupt her.

And what is his lawyer doing giving exclusive statements and information to TMZ? They were one of the parties named in Troyer’s previous lawsuit (also for $20M). Wanna know what I think? I think the settlement for the previous lawsuit — which resulted in TMZ taking down the footage they had of the sex tape — involved an agreement that Troyer would give TMZ a first look at inside info on any further developments. I mean, they ran this story before the lawsuit was even filed in court. It’s a strange, strange world, kids.

Oh and wanna know what I loooooooooove?

This photo.

“If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank God, and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don’t seem to have much of an issue.”

LA Police Chief William Bratton, reacting to certain legislators hoping to pass laws to contain the paparazzi. Bratton went on to call the legislations “a farce,” and said that “if the ones that attract the paparazzi behave in the first place, like we expect of anybody, that solves about 90 percent of the problem. The rest we can deal with.”

Um … look, dude, I’m glad you feel you’ve conquered the celebrity Godzillas, but I really don’t think you’re supposed to drag Lindsay Lohan’s sexual preferences into any on-record discussion of pending legislation. Like, ever, dude.

There was a hearing today to determine whether or not Jamie Spears would retain his conservatorship over Britney moving forward, and a court decided that, thank goodness, he will.

The conservatorship will stay in place until at least December 31 of this year.

This is probably a good thing for Britney and the rest of the world in general. It’s just a very sad thing if you were holding your breath for new photos of Britney’s Britney. And by that second “Britney” I of course mean “vagina.” Ever since Lauren Conrad was all like “I just saw Lo’s Britney!” on The Hills I have totally adopted use of that word. I lovelovelove it. When I’m trying to seduce a man, I run my fingers up and down his chest and say “Hey, baby, wanna see my Britney?” This is probably why I never succeed in seducing a man. That and the Living with Herpes book my father super-glued to my nightstand while he was visiting. Cute, Dad. Real cute. Why don’t you just go get yourself a conservatorship if you care so much?

Ryan Gosling made his DJ debut at Hollywood’s Green Door on Tuesday night — playing mostly songs from the ’40s and ’50s in homage to the club’s weekly live jazz night — and guess who showed up?

His ex-girlfriend, Rachel McAdams!

Could this couple be reuniting?

Nothing would make me happier. I bawled my eyes out at The Notebook. Not, like, poignant little tear droplets. Like, blubbering and sobbing like the huge baby that I am. Seriously. Like, Beaches kind of tears. Ryan and Rachel are supposed to grow old together!

Word on the street is that Kate Hudson has already moved on after breaking up with Lance Armstrong. She’s reportedly holed up in a cabin in Canada, screwing the brains out of her ex-boyfriend Eric Lindros. She headed up there with him right after she and Lance split.

Can Kate be single for five seconds? Apparently not. This is a young woman who got married at 21, divorced at 27, and hasn’t been single for more than thirty seconds in the two years since her divorce. Insecurity much?

Take a break from it, Kate!