It has nothing to do with celebrity gossip, but it’s a good way to spend three minutes of your Saturday.

Thanks Kelsey!

This is the third event I’ve seen these two canoodling at, so I’m gonna go ahead and assume there’s something going on there.

This is Luke Worrall, who’s apparently an up-and-coming model on the London scene, and possibly also up-and-coming on the Kelly Osbourne scene. And by “scene” I of course mean “vagina.”

That is how far I got into this interview Michael Lohan did on Chelsea Handler’s show before the nausea and fury got to be too much.

Can you beat my time?

I think he’s wearing a SCRAM bracelet, too. Chelsea mentions there’s something in his sock at the beginning of the interview and he gets all weird about it and she changes the subject.

God, he’s just so despicable in so many ways. Normally I love that Chelsea is so kind to all her interviewees, but this time it just pissed me off. I wanted to be like “CHEW INTO HIM, CHELSEA! I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!”

Oh, and another fun fact: in his formal “statement” announcing that he may have another child, Michael refers to the baby-mama as “Christie.” Her name is actually spelled “Kristi.” Which, like, okay, it’s been awhile since you’ve fucked her and all, but if you’re currently going through a paternity battle (as you claim you are), wouldn’t you have seen her name written more recently?

Michael Lohan, you’re an idiot.

My sincerest congratulations and admirations go out to Ms. Amy Winehouse, who has officially reached that elusive pinnacle of any young starlet’s career where news outlets feel compelled to write entire articles on how she was not high at a performance.

About Amy’s performance at Nelson Mandela’s 90th birthday celebration:

After a short struggle to adjust her microphone, Winehouse kicked off the set with “Rehab.” The song’s lack of slurred lyrics and nonshortness of breath combined with particularly effusive backup dancers resulted in major crowd love for the singer, who curtsied and twirled for the fans before next launching straight into “Valerie,” a cover of the Zutons hit she performed on Mark Ronson’s Version.

Remarkably, she left the stage after the two tunes without incident.

Holy shit, hold the presses!

Amy Winehouse — ahem, recent Grammy winner Amy Winehouse — sang two entire songs — in public! — without a visible needle dangling from her arm. IT’S NEWS, PEOPLE!

In things-that-actually-matter news, the concert, which also included performances by Josh Groban, Leona Lewis, Queen, Annie Lennox, Stephen Fry, Quincy Jones and Lewis Hamilton (All of whom may or may not have been high! I can’t be sure! No one’s written an article about it either way!), raised funds for Nelson Mandela’s HIV/AIDS charity, which is very awesomely called 46664. That was his prison number during the twenty-seven years he spent in prison for the “crimes” he committed during his fight against apartheid. Very awesome indeed. You can learn more about 46664 and donate to the cause here.

Despite his earlier claim that he checked into rehab for a foot injury (which you will not find reported on this website, because, unlike CNN, I do the level of fact-checking required to determine that no one goes to fucking rehab because their fucking foot hurts), Steven Tyler is now admitting that he in fact went to rehab to deal with the pill addiction he developed following his foot surgery.

“To have your feet done, to have your leg done, you have to be on narcotics,” Tyler told The Associated Press on Friday. “You have to be on sleep aids at night. I don’t know about Joe (Perry) but I was off and running and I didn’t like the me that was me … This was a month ago, so I just put the brakes on and checked into detox and just pulled the plug on all of it.”

Eh, good for you, Steven. I actually applaud you for dealing with the problem before it got out of hand. So I’m going to give you a limited amount of shit for bothering to lie in the first place. I’m glad you’re doing better now.

On Friday, a federal judge granted the temporary restraining order requested by Mini-Me’s attorneys, forcing TMZ to pull down the clip they had of Verne Troyer’s sex tape, and temporarily prohibiting the tape from being sold or any further clips from being distributed.

Will the order hold?

That remains to be determined, but Lord I hope not.

Meanwhile, the kids at Defamer point out that Troyer currently owes $283,000 in taxes in the states of California and Michigan. Is it possible he “leaked” the tape himself and is now hoping to use some of the $20M he’s suing for to get himself out of debt?

Hmmm.

For those of you who were just a little bit curious as to why Mary-Kate Olsen decided to throw Spencer Pratt under the bus that is the David Letterman show (personally, I wasn’t all that curious, I was too busy loving her for it), it turns out that Spencer Pratt, before he was famous, sold a photo of Mary-Kate drinking at a party for $50,000. The photo is above. (It doesn’t really look like MK’s drinking, just that she’s drunk.)

Says Spencer to Us magazine:

“I don’t really get why she’d use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one’s going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me … I know I’ve made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman … I forgive her, though. She’s had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough.”

OMG.

I never thought I’d be defending Mary-Kate Olsen’s behavior to anyone, but, seriously, shut the fuck up, Spencer. You deserve every word of shit she talked about you, you obnoxious piece of trash.

Once their Real World fame is over, Real Worlders are, tragically, forced back into the actual real world, and it’s not always pretty.

Exhibit A: A tipster sends us an application Real World: Australia cast member Shauvon Torres sent to a San Diego PR agency. It’s really one of the funnier things I’ve come across this year. I’ll start by saying that the photo above? Was included as a part of her application. (Tipster: “Is she going to wear that to work?”)

The short cover letter contains this sentence:

I would appreciate the opportunity to meet with you and show you the detection and great energy i have, if given the opportunity!

I’m not even going to talk about her refusal to capitalize the word “I” here. Instead, I’m going to focus on the “detection” she plans to apply to all the murder cases they deal with at Southern California public relations agencies. I honestly pondered this for hours before I realized she meant to say “dedication.”

I thought about copying and pasting her entire resume here, as the whole thing is just that funny, but instead I’m just going to highlight some of my favorite parts.

First, I will personally send $50 to anyone who can successfully create a sentence graph for her objective:

To obtain a position in the field I desire to grow and excel with as exceed my company’s expectations.

I’ve looked at this forward, backward and sideways, and it just doesn’t fit into the pattern I’ve come to recognize as “English.”

She also uses three full lines (of a three-page resume for an entry-level job) to talk about these very applicable skills she learned in college:

Mathematics: Trigonometry, Statistics, and Pre-Calculus
Science: Biology, General Chemistry, and General Physics
Computer knowledge

Trigonometry! Thank goodness! Because you cannot properly represent a PR client without a thorough understanding of the side-angle-side theorem.

And another one of my favorite parts, under experience:

MTV REAL WORLD 19 2007; 3months
Sydney, Australia
Actress
~Reality Television show
~Travel
~Film

I just, ugh, you guys, I can’t even talk about this or my head will explode. Oh, and the tildes? Those were on her actual resume. In Word. Like she’s never heard of a resume wizard.

Another bright spot of experience:

THE HORNET NEWSPAPER 2006-2007
Sacramento, CA
Columnist
~Weekly Newspaper
~Produced and wrote own material for a column, that was published online and in print.
~Name of column; Sexcapdes

Sweetie. You can go ahead and leave the name of the column out next time, okay? Until you wind up auditioning for porn in three months. Then you can include the name. But leave out the semi-colon. Porn directors will settle for a regular colon there. In fact, anyone with a basic understanding of punctuation will.

Then she talks about how she was basically one of the girls in mini-skirts and bras running around a bar shilling for various liquor companies, which she names as “Smirnoff, Captain Morgan, Tattoo, Tangerey, Red Stripe, and Many more.” Now, I actually missed this one, but a friend of mine whom I forwarded this to mentioned that she misspelled “Tanqueray” there.

Okay I think I’m done ranting about this now. It’s just kind of sad to see these kids’ fifteen minutes of fame up and watch them flounder in a world where real skills count for something. And by “sad” I mean “hilarious.”