
First: Blind date with guy my trainer set me up. We meet at a German-style pub and share a plate of potato pancakes with applesauce. He’s cute and he’s sweet and he’s funny, but he’s not my type in a lot of ways. We have a nice chat, and it’s nowhere near disastrous. Although I have no interest in seeing him romantically again, I somehow am disappointed when he has no interest in seeing me romantically again. Like, shouldn’t every guy be into me, even if I’m not into him? He says he’ll call me the next time he and his friends go out, which is so sweet of him, but it’s not exactly “So, when can I take you dinner again?” I mean, I would have politely declined, but still. All men should fall in love with me always.
Second: Come home. You know how everyone has that guy they’ve dated on and off forever, but it never really turns into anything more? Yeah. Mine’s online, and he IMs me. At this point, five years after we met, we’ve seen our “relationship” totally fail in three separate cities — usually culminating in some manner of all-out texting war where we tell each other to fuck off and die like five times and we are 26 and 33 years old now — and yet somehow we’re still talking. Unbelievable. I’d told him I had this blind date tonight. He wants to know how it went. Then he wants to know what I’m wearing. Then we exchange cell phone pics for an hour. Am I 15 years old? Am I Miley Fucking Cyrus now? Seriously, how did I end up, at 26, sitting at home alone sending dirty cell phone pictures of myself to a guy I’ve basically been fighting with for five years straight? Oh, and to make the whole situation just a little more pathetic, Leo is biting at my toe the entire time. He won’t quit. And at one point I come thisclose to sending a really inappropriate photo to the girl who manages my PR, because her last name starts with the same three letters as his.
God, is this really how badly I need an ego boost?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Third: Look for gossip. There is none. Decide it is somehow fitting to run this photo of Anderson Cooper with Sesame Street puppets and then go to bed before I give up on life entirely. Sigh.