Lindsay Lohan thinks she can trick us all into believing she’s sweet and innocent by carrying an adorable puppy around NYC.

It didn’t work for Paris, Linds, and it’s not gonna work for you.

Speaking of which: where is Paris? Normally you can’t go thirteen seconds without seeing her lovely mug all over the Internet, but the last time I ran a picture of her was over a week ago. And it’s not because I’m on some sort of Paris boycott. It’s just because there haven’t been any pictures of her. WTF? Did Paris Hilton die? Is her family trying to cover it up? Or is she really just settled down at home with Benji, working tirelessly to get pregnant so as not to be the very last of the starlets to do so? Oh, Paris. You used to be such a trendsetter.

At the Breathing Life Awards in the UK.

First: Blind date with guy my trainer set me up. We meet at a German-style pub and share a plate of potato pancakes with applesauce. He’s cute and he’s sweet and he’s funny, but he’s not my type in a lot of ways. We have a nice chat, and it’s nowhere near disastrous. Although I have no interest in seeing him romantically again, I somehow am disappointed when he has no interest in seeing me romantically again. Like, shouldn’t every guy be into me, even if I’m not into him? He says he’ll call me the next time he and his friends go out, which is so sweet of him, but it’s not exactly “So, when can I take you dinner again?” I mean, I would have politely declined, but still. All men should fall in love with me always.

Second: Come home. You know how everyone has that guy they’ve dated on and off forever, but it never really turns into anything more? Yeah. Mine’s online, and he IMs me. At this point, five years after we met, we’ve seen our “relationship” totally fail in three separate cities — usually culminating in some manner of all-out texting war where we tell each other to fuck off and die like five times and we are 26 and 33 years old now — and yet somehow we’re still talking. Unbelievable. I’d told him I had this blind date tonight. He wants to know how it went. Then he wants to know what I’m wearing. Then we exchange cell phone pics for an hour. Am I 15 years old? Am I Miley Fucking Cyrus now? Seriously, how did I end up, at 26, sitting at home alone sending dirty cell phone pictures of myself to a guy I’ve basically been fighting with for five years straight? Oh, and to make the whole situation just a little more pathetic, Leo is biting at my toe the entire time. He won’t quit. And at one point I come thisclose to sending a really inappropriate photo to the girl who manages my PR, because her last name starts with the same three letters as his.

God, is this really how badly I need an ego boost?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Third: Look for gossip. There is none. Decide it is somehow fitting to run this photo of Anderson Cooper with Sesame Street puppets and then go to bed before I give up on life entirely. Sigh.

Here’s Elizabeth giving the camera her very best I’m-a-professional-woman-to-be-taken-seriously-even-though-
I-did-play-that-stripper-that-one-time-in-my-only-movie-role-ever look at the Stand Up to Cancer lunch in LA.

Oh, Elizabeth. I tease because I love.

Can you believe it?????

WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED????

HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE MOST STUNNING NEWS OF THE YEAR!!!

Ah, I can’t even keep a straight face. Ashlee and Pete confirmed the pregnancy today.

On Pete’s website, they wrote:

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”

I totally understand about waiting for the first trimester to officially announce. But this does totally make it a shotgun wedding. A Papa Joe shotgun wedding.

Here’s the designer at an exhibit of her own work in the UK.

When I’m old, I plan to dye my hair to match my outfits, too.

While most of the Sex and the City stars were celebrating the movie’s NYC premiere on Tuesday, Willie Garson (aka Stanford Blatch), was celebrating something much bigger: the adoption of his son.

The adoption process is being finalized, and the boy will be adopted from the LA area.

Willie is currently single.

“It’s a big deal,” he says. “It’s a big decision. It’s not like buying a suit or another pair of glasses.”

Willie says his “kid’s going to be the coolest.” Yeah, right, until he meets my little adoptive Russian girl, who I’ve decided I will call Svetlana, but Lana for short. Lana will be way cooler than Willie’s kid.

Lindsay Lohan was spotted on the streets of Manhattan holding hands with a woman who is definitely not Samantha Ronson. In fact, this woman appears to be at least a decade older than Samantha. Is Lindsay into older women now? Is she the lesbian Ashton Kutcher?

Nah, I’m totally fucking kidding. I can hear your little heads exploding all the way from the future. This is Lindsay’s kid sister, Ali, age 14 (allegedly). Samantha Ronson was close by, but not in this particular shot.

[Image via Splash]