I’m serious.

This dude needs a publicist, stat.

He actually used the phrase “LOL” in his statement apologizing for the fact that he was busted last week with heroin, cocaine and ecstasy.

LOL.

Says Gary:

Obviously I certainly wish I hadn’t been responsible for so many people getting to the festival’s VIP area. And the after party, it ran me ragged, but I’m glad pulling over did prevent a DUI. I recommend not driving at all, but a little kip (nap) is always good (on either side of the road LOL). I am blessed that the Sgt. realized that the luggage carrying whatever they found was not mine and that my tests have been coming back negative. I’ve been happy to cooperate in any way to clear myself and go on with my blessed life. I am so sorry to all my fans, especially the young ones, like Taylor Swift, who I should’ve been supporting with my daughter instead of driving tired in the desert. I am planning events to get the word out that you don’t need a bunch of nasty chemicals to have a good time. Just good friends, family, good music and a good honest spirit full of faith.

OMG.

He’s especially sorry to Taylor Swift?

He was sooooo loaded when he wrote this. It’s Lindsay Lohan’s “adequite” all over again.

Loves it.

Tons of celebs showed up for the 15th Annual Race To Erase MS benefit in Century City.

Here’s Tara Reid, who’s actually looking decent these days and seems to be staying out of trouble. Which is extra impressive when you consider that she doesn’t actually have any work to distract her from her partying.

Jump inside for more pictures from this event, including Paris Hilton, Nicky Hilton, Ali Landry, Kelly Hu, Andrea Bowen, Anne Heche, Daisy Fuentes, Emmy Rossum, Garcelle Beauvais, Jillian Barberie, Julianne Hough, Keisha Whitaker, Lisa Rinna and Shannon Elizabeth.

(more…)

So Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson were supposed to be in the studio recording the theme track to the new James Bond flick, The Quantum of Solace (to quote Lisa Simpson: “I know those words …”), but it never quite happened.

Said Mark: “We tried to work for a little bit. I’m not sure she’s ready to work on music yet.” Hottie Mark also adds that the track will, quite frankly, probably never get made “unless by some miracle of science it gets recorded and someone sings a vocal on it.”

Um, well, yeah, Mark, that’s basically the miracle of science that results in the immaculate conception of all tracks. But I think what Mark’s saying is “There is no fucking way Amy is going to pull her shit together enough to actually record a song in the studio. Maybe if we, uh, built a small studio into the corner of a bar? That might work.”

Oh, Amy. Get it together, girl.

I guess it has been brought to Britney Spears’ attention that her little sister is pregnant.

She’s reportedly in Louisiana this weekend — with Papa Spears dutifully in tow — for Jamie Lynn’s baby shower.

Hopefully she’ll be back in LA in time for her May 6 custody hearing. I really want her to show up for it.

So I’ve been hearing about this Robyn chick FOREVER now, and finally a couple days ago I was like, “Okay, fuck it, let’s hear this damn album.”

I brought it up on Rhapsody and have been listening to it for a couple days now. At first I was like, “This isn’t bad, but I don’t really see what the big fuss is about.” But I’ve listened to the album all the way through five or six times now, and I’m starting to get it. It’s a pretty dope album.

Above find the video for my fave song on it, “Handle Me.”

Yeah … you know who I’m talking about: He played Beverly Leslie, Karen’s 4-foot-11 nemesis on Will & Grace. He’s just published a memoir, called My Trip Down the Pink Carpet. In it, the self-proclaimed “gayest man in the world” talks about his experiences in Hollywood.

“Dean Cain was stunning, and the sight of him strutting about in his Superman outfit was truly magnificent,” Jordan gushes, recalling his cameo on “Lois and Clark.” “I showed up on the set determined not to ‘­peter-gaze,’ or at least not to get caught at it.”

He became obsessed with Billy Bob Thornton while filming “Hearts Afire” after co-star John Ritter hinted to him about the size of Thornton’s manhood.

Ritter explained that he’d gone surfing with Thornton and later hit the showers. Ritter told Jordan the sight of Thornton’s “rope” would cause him to “fall in love.”

Jordan laments that he never got the chance: “There are probably a lot of things I’ll go a lifetime without seeing – the Mona Lisa, the Taj Mahal, the pyramids. And I’ll probably never see Billy Bob’s wiener, either.”

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Maybe now we can all understand what Angelina Jolie was doing with Billy Bob.

About a year ago, I had the opportunity to hear Leslie speak at an event in LA, and I have to tell you that I have never laughed so hard in my whole life. My stomach hurt afterward. I, for one, am going to get this book ASAP.

Look, normally I’m all about shitting on Lindsay Lohan, but this full-page ad that ran in USA TODAY (paid for by the liquor industry) this morning is just unfathomably irresponsible and infuriating.

Drunk driving is a bad idea for anybody, and to imply otherwise is just disgusting. Like, what the fuck does this ad even mean? Am I really supposed to believe that as long as you’re wearing a fucking tie you undoubtedly have your drinking under control? That alcoholism is somehow unable to penetrate the thick shield of a business suit? That it’s actually quite alright to drive drunk as long as you got married earlier that day? If you happen to kill a family of four, it’s no big deal — you’re going to start a family of your own now! So it all comes out in the wash!

Fuck. You.

Drunk driving kills people. And drunk drivers do not all come from Skid Row. To imply that anyone reasonably well-dressed and not infamous for showing up five hours late for her call time should be allowed to hit the road after over-indulging is abhorrent.

Oh, and you spelled Lindsay Lohan’s name wrong, you moronic pieces of shit.

Says Lindsay’s lawyer, Blair Berk:

“USA TODAY is idiotic for running such an irresponsible advertisement, suggesting that drinking and driving is some kind of American ‘tradition’ we should protect. Not identifying that this ad was paid for by the liquor industry is profoundly reckless.

Drunk, old, white businessmen, drunk cougars out for girls night out, and drunk wedding parties should be kept off the roads of America. Lindsay Lohan fully endorses ignition interlock devices that have been well-proven to save lives.”

Here here. I love that Blair Berk said “drunk cougars.”

I hope they sue these people to Kingdom Come.

And I hope those interlock devices go in cars.