In the Battle of Sibling Hotness, it looks like the Ashleys are coming out on top.

I’ve been talking constantly about how amazing Ashley Olsen looks lately, while Mary-Kate still looks like she collects cans on the side of the street and uses the proceeds to buy heroin (only one-half of that statement is false), and it seems like Maxim magazine agrees with me.

They’ve voted Ashley the #47 on their “Hot 100″ list, while Mary-Kate didn’t make the list at all.

Meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson rings in at #18 on the list, while big sis Jessica’s struggling over at #53. I totally disagree with this ranking. Ashlee Simpson’s face is fake and disgusting, and as much as Jessica gets on my nerves, she’s a really beautiful girl. Ashlee shouldn’t have made the list at all.

No word yet on who’s #1 on the list.

Any guesses?

Ever since John and Jennifer Aniston hooked up two weekends ago, rumors have been swirling that she’s smitten as hell, texting and emailing John to beg him to come back to Miami and see her.

But John’s in NYC, reportedly still banging everything that walks. From Page Six:

A source in New York saw Mayer, a notorious horndog, out at 1Oak Friday night with Adam Levine, and Mayer “was all over some blond girl.” Mayer later asked the DJ to play some R. Kelly songs so “we can dance with our girls.”

I call bullshit on this, just because, as much as I dislike John Mayer as a person, I know the dude knows better than to request an R. Kelly song in anything but a totally ironic fashion. Like in the same way you might request a DJ play the Friends theme song. Not because you want to hear it, but because the fact that you even asked is hilarious. Mayer either planted this item himself as an inside joke, or someone else planted it to fuck with him, or this source is full of shit.

This is such a dumb publicity stunt.

On Tuesday night, Dina Lohan will be honored by a Long Island-based “charity,” the Mingling Moms Organization, as a “Top Mom.” The term “charity” is used extremely loosely here, as I checked out their website (I’m not linking to it because I refuse to help drive traffic there), and it appears to be mostly a social club. They charge for attendance at their luncheons, which are “so unique because we are the only luncheon/lecture series designed especially for mom and baby!” And I couldn’t find a hint on their website of any of that money going towards anything even resembling a charity. Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. But I think I’ll amend my prior statement — the term “charity” is used extremely incorrectly here.

Anyway, Dina Lohan will be honored for exceptional mothering skills, because it takes a lot of guts to be the only person willing to look the American public in the eye and claim that your daughter does not have a drug or alcohol problem when she has been basically pissing Grey Goose since she was 17. It’s true, Dina: your daughter does not have a drug and alcohol problem, at least not in comparison to you.

Other moms “honored” are:

Rae Stern, mother of shock jock Howard Stern; Lillian Robinson (Eddie Murphy); Ann Iris Guttenberg (Steve Guttenberg); Betty Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld); Shelley Stevens Herschlag (Natalie Portman); Amy Hughes (Olympic skating gold medalist Sarah Hughes); and Eileen Connolly (”Entourage” star Kevin Connolly).

…

“My mom’s a bit more normal,” Connolly laughed when we told him his mother would be honored alongside Dina Lohan. “I wouldn’t have a career at all it wasn’t for her. She’s my favorite person in the world.”

Congrats, Dina. You should celebrate with a drink or eight, and at least half a bottle of Valium. You know, like a normal Tuesday.

I guess you can’t blame a girl for trying.

Audrina recently left her former talent agency, UTA, and moved to the Agency for Performing Arts, where I suppose she’s hoping to get a little more attention from the smaller agency.

Says her new agent: “We only just started working with her, but are already in talks for a feature film … She wants to do other things besides stay in that reality space. We are going to be getting her some television roles outside of The Hills, if they allow it. A lot of it is going to depend on what The Hills will be signing off on.”

OMG.

Audrina, you are not an actress. In fact, I can pretty much assure you that you’ll be a terrible actress. You seem awkward enough on The Hills, and you’re playing yourself!

If you want to get out of “the reality space,” GO TO COLLEGE!

On Monday, Prince Harry received a medal for his efforts in Afghanistan.

Later, with girlfriend Chelsy Davy at his side, he attended a service of remembrance and thanksgiving at the Holy Trinity Church.

Harry’s finally starting to lose his little-boy looks and that innocent twinkle in his eye. He’s turning into a man, and it’s a lot of fun to watch.

Patrick, my love, my precious, darling Jean-Luc.

I would ride that ridiculous mustache into the sunset.

Let’s set our engines to Warp 69, baby.

HAPPY TUESDAY!!!!

BRITNEY SPEARS IS GOING TO COURT TODAY!!! All signs point to Britney actually showing up to her child custody hearing in LA today.

OMG I am so, so excited. Now that I have cable TV, I just want to invite all my friends over to sit in my living room and eat chips and dip and watch the coverage on CNN. Because you better fucking believe this shit is gonna be on CNN. It’s the biggest story of the year so far!

YOU BETTER SHOW UP, BRITNEY! YOU WILL RUIN MY TUESDAY IF YOU DITCH OUT! AND I DON’T LIKE MY TUESDAYS RUINED!

Britney spent Monday fulfilling her promotional contract with Bally’s by showing up to “work out” and then take a bunch of photos. I wonder how much they’re paying her to do this stupid crap.