I went to private school most of my life, but I did spend one semester at an Arizona public school. Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with public schools in general, but there was definitely something wrong with this public school. In that it was a festering pit of gang activity and wasted lives. This kid once brought this radio he’d just stolen from a car — wires hanging out and everything — to my journalism class, and put it under his desk during class like it was no big deal. There was a racially motivated fight in the lunchroom almost every single day, and word was that the single largest faction of the Aryan Brotherhood in the state of Arizona was operating out of my high school. And then I had this one friend that I thought was pretty cool until she had to go to juvie for a couple years for her second charge of grand theft auto, so I didn’t get to hang out with her anymore. So I transfered back into private school.

So anyway, in gym class once, I forgot to lock up my locker, and, while I was playing softball with three other girls while the rest of the “class” was smoking weed, someone stole my shoes from my locker. And I had a pretty good idea of who it was. So I go to the main office and I’m like “Hey, I think such-and-such stole my shoes from my locker during gym class.” And they send someone to go get that girl so they could chat with her about it, and they bring her into the office, and the crazy bitch is wearing the fucking shoes! And she sees me sitting there and she’s like “Oh shit.” And it’s not that crime didn’t ever occur at my private school, but, for fuck’s sake, at least people were a little smarter about it.

Lindsay Lohan is even dumber than that.

Lindsay stole a mink coat from a private event in New York this summer. The owner of the coat figured out who stole it when she noticed her coat on Lindsay Lohan in the pages of OK! magazine. She eventually got it back, but at that point it was “reeking of cigarettes and booze with a slight tear in the lining.” She’s seeking a $10,000 “rental fee” from Lindsay for the three weeks it was missing. Cute.

So each and every day, my boss does an exceptional job of not firing me — and preventing others from firing me — when I do things I’m not supposed to do, like run sex tapes and photos of penises and vaginas and nipples and other body parts that your kindergarten teacher told you represented one-half of a “bad touch.”

Now it’s time for you to do something nice for him.

Please take this (very very brief) survey about who you are, dear Evil Beet reader.

Oh, and also: I asked for the password to the survey account under the guise of wanting to add a question asking how you guys heard about Evil Beet, but then I made a bunch of other changes that no one is going to appreciate but me (and possibly you guys, but definitely not my management). Ha ha, I crack myself up.

Anyway, please please PLEASE take the survey. It’ll win me big brownie points, which I will need after what I did to the survey.

Ha ha ha.

I’m totally kidding.

It blows huge monkey cock.

It’s called “Summertime,” but it should have been called “We Never Should Have Attempted a Comeback. This Is Embarrassing. Baby.”

Click here to listen.

Playboy Enterprises posted a quarterly loss on Tuesday, because of weaker publishing and domestic television revenue and forecast more trouble during the year, pushing its shares down 8 percent.

Says its CEO, Christine Hefner (Hugh’s daughter): “Our publishing and domestic entertainment businesses continue to face unprecedented change in the way consumers access and use media content.”

Translation: “Porn is free on the Internet now. That sort of fucks up our whole selling-porn-in-a-magazine business model.”

Heh heh.

I take some pride in the fact that I am a small part of the machine that’s bringing down Playboy.

While Kevin Federline will retain primary custody of Jayden and Sean, Britney Spears has received more visitation time with the kiddos, although the exact amount of time has not been disclosed.

“We are so pleased with Britney’s progress and we are very appreciative of the court’s recognition of this progress,” said Jamie and Lynne Spears, who were in court supporting their daughter.

Kevin’s mouthpiece, Elliot Mintz, says that Kevin was “extremely pleased with how things went today.”

Kevin’s lawyer gave props to Britney’s dad for helping to pull her shit together. Says Mark Vincent Kaplan: “We all know over the last few months what was a seemingly daily situation in extreme flux has been stabilized. We see there are not daily events occurring that made it very difficult to have any kind of grounding or believing that an environment that was best for the children was consistent across both homes.”

Way to go, Britster! Keep it up!

Britney was spotted crying outside the courtroom during a break in the hearings today!

About an hour into the hearing, [Judge] Gordon took a quick recess, during which Spears was seen outside of the court room, visibly upset, her eyes watery. While she wasn’t crying in the hallway, it appears as though she may have been crying inside the court. Several minutes later, Spears emerged again, holding Berk’s hand and appearing as if she had been sobbing. Gordon called for a break around 11:40, so that he could hear other cases.

Oh Britney!!!

It’s gonna be okay, baby!!!

Britney Spears arrived at court just after 8 am for a progress review in her custody hearing.

HAPPY DAY!!!

(Kevin’s there too.)

YAY BRITNEY!!!!