Everyone’s a damn alcoholic today. Mischa “DUI” Barton can’t seem to show up for any of the promotional events for her new film, You and I, which premiered at Cannes. She lives in France now, and she still didn’t make it to any of the promotions. She’s supposed to be doing interviews in London right now, but she’s totally MIA.

Says the film’s director: “She hasn’t pulled out of interviews, she’s pulled out of everything . . . Her room is here, she is here, but trying to get the two together has just been impossible. We just don’t know where Mischa is.”

Oh, Mischa. No one’s going to cast you in anything ever again, dear.

David Hasselhoff poses with his daughter, Hayley, at the premiere of You Don’t Mess with the Zohan in Hollywood.

Every ounce of me wants to make a bitchy comment here, but it’s actually really nice that they’ve been able to maintain a relationship throughout everything.

Hey, remember when Kirsten Dunst was all like “I don’t have a drinking problem. I went to a drug and alcohol rehab for depression” and I was all like “Yes and Samantha Ronson’s on the short list to be the next U.S. Drug Czar”?

No, really, I surmised that Kirsten was lying to avoid a plethora of items in the press when she decided to go out and get drunk in public.

Too late.

The NY Post is already reporting the Kirsten was “wobbly” at an NYC bar over the weekend. Her rep says that she was at the bar, but “she was certainly not intoxicated or wobbly.” Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Kirsten was as wobbly as her damn sobriety.

I don’t think Kate Hudson’s a bad person, but she is definitely Owen Wilson poison. Since Kate and Owen broke up (again) and she’s taken up, quite publicly, with Lance Armstrong, Owen’s been having a rough time.

He was spotted partying at a bar in Philadelphia (where he’s filming Marley & Me with Jennifer Aniston) recently. “Owen looked pretty upset,” says a source. “He was drinking and sulking until last call.”

Owen, baby. You know you shouldn’t be drinking. Get your ass sober again and stay the fuck away from Kate Hudson. It will get better. We love you, sweetheart, and we’re all rooting for you.

The comedian’s wife has filed for divorce after 11 years of marriage. She claims Bill has a marijuana and alcohol addiction, and has been abusive to her.

An attorney for Bill says the actor is deeply saddened by the breakup and is committed to the best interests of the couple’s four children.

As you may recall, Mr. Murray ran into some problems in Sweden last year for a drunken incident with a golf cart.

Anyone else smell an upcoming rehab stint for Billy Boy?

It’s not exactly legalization, but it sure is a step in the right direction.

NY Governor David Paterson instructed state agencies to recognize same-sex marriages performed in states and countries where they are legal.

The memo from Governor Paterson informed state agencies that failing to recognize gay marriages would violate New York’s human rights law.

We keep gaining momentum on this issue!

Hooray!

Marie-Anne Thiébaud kept it short and sweet when she was asked whether she was having an affair with Shania Twain’s husband.

“No,” she says. “You cannot believe everything you read in the press.”

Eh, maybe not everything, but we’re usually right.

Cindy Crawford takes her daughter, Kaya, out shopping.

Little Kaya is growing up — and she’s turning into a mini-Cindy! Their facial structure is so similar.

[Image via Splash]