You know, if my romantic life weren’t less of a roller coaster and more of a free-fall, I’d probably think these photos were adorable, and, I mean, I do think they’re adorable, but I’m also jealous and bitter.

Nick and Mariah rented out the entirety of Six Flags on Tuesday night to celebrate their recent nuptials, and these are the absurdly adorable (and totally candid!) photos that came out of it.

What do you guys think: is this for real? Or is it a publicity stunt?

Anne Heche says she can no longer pay $15,000 in monthly child support to ex-husband Coley Laffoon, ever since her TV show, Men in Trees, got canned.

“I am continuing to look for work, but I have no offers pending and the impending strike by the Screen Actors Guild reduces my prospects for work even further,” Heche, 38, writes in court papers. “Since January 18, 2008, I have been unemployed and had no income from employment except for one very short-term contract for a movie role for which I received a total of $65,00, approximately the amount I received for one episode of Men In Trees.”

The court’s giving her a break on this one for now, but the judge ordered the actress to provide updated income and expense information.

Dude, you were making $65,000 an episode for the entire run of that show?

What were you doing with all that money that you have none left over now?

Congratulations to Whitney, the first “full-figured” winner of ANTM.

Um, I haven’t really been following this season, but this girl is a plus-sized model like Lindsay Lohan’s the president of Alcoholics Anonymous: not at all. This girl isn’t big; she has a normal, healthy, attractive body. It’s ridiculous to consider her fat in any way.

Poor Jessica!

News broke this morning that she and Tony Romo had split. Ouch.

And after that, Glamour released their interview with her, where she’s cooing over how very wonderful Tony is. Embarrassing!

And now Us Weekly’s talking about how goddamn drunk Jessica got the day that former flame John Mayer went public with his new relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina on May 10 – which started at the pre-happy hour of 4 p.m. with BFF CaCee Cobb and her beau Donald Faison – that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home, Us reports (for good measure, CaCee Cobb threw up under the table).

Well, at least she didn’t try to drive home.

Rumors are beginning to swirl that Tony dumped Jessica because it was so obvious she wasn’t over John Mayer.

Aw, Jess. I got your back, girl! You get good and drunk, honey. Get good and drunk for the both of us, because men totally blow ass … except for the ones who read my blog. You guys rock!

Heading up this year’s list: America Ferrera! And Chelsea Clinton is #2! And I just barely snuck in there at the #3 spot!

No, I’m kidding. I’m actually at #15.

Whatever.

The real #1 is supermodel Marisa Miller, who, as you can tell by this photo, is valuable primarily for the work she’s done in the field of neuroplasticity, aiming to slow the degenerative process of Alzheimer’s patients

LOL. After I wrote that, I read the little blurb the Maxim guys wrote about Marisa. It includes this quote from her: “I get a kick out of it, but it would be stupid to let it go to my head. It’s modeling—I didn’t find the cure for cancer.”

Scarlett Johansson takes the #2 spot, and Jessica Biel’s at #3.

Also in the top ten: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Elisha Cuthbert, Eva Mendes, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan (really???) and Ashley Tisdale.

Britney’s at #19. Fergie’s at #35. Vanessa Hudgens is at #12. Danica Patrick’s at #91. And newly-18 Emma Watson comes in at #94. Tila Tequila brings up the rear at #100.

The full list is here. You’ll find it to be both totally random and utterly stupid.

An except from Glamour’s interview with cover girl Jessica Simpson, on newsstands now:

“What he’s done for me is irreplaceable,” Simpson says about her newfound confidence. Wearing a printed, off-the-shoulder peasant dress and stacked heels, she settles into a booth at her favorite Dallas bistro. (Romo is off playing golf but shows up at the end of the interview to greet her with a big purple and green stuffed animal. Jessica is clearly delighted.) It’s obvious that the down-home comforts of Dallas are doing her right: Simpson is in control, adorable and ready to move on. Fortified by a glass of chardonnay, she sets the record straight on coping with the tabloids, her acting career and, of course, her new, happy life with Romo. “It feels like forever,” she says about the months they’ve been together. “I love this guy. Can you feel it?” You can’t help but feel it …

[Says Jessica:] “I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t want to see Tony and me in the pictures. It is good airplane reading if you throw it away when you get off; I’m good at that. I am not the type of person who believes everything she reads, but I like to look at photos and see what people are wearing. That’s interesting to me. Do I read the stories? Not really. I try not to read blogs. The comments are extremely harsh … I wouldn’t say that. I think it’s ironic that I fell in love with a man I thought I would never be interested in because he’s an athlete. I was always, An athlete? Heck no. Because it reminded me of being married. This article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up, but he still deserves all the accolades for bringing me back to who I am.”

The whole article’s worth a read. As much as I want to hate Jessica Simpson, whenever I read or see an interview with her, I end up falling in love with her. She’s endured so much hell in the public eye with what is really a ton of grace and honesty.

Angie reportedly let the news slip during an interview with the Today Show in Cannes.

Actually, it seems Jack Black accidentally slipped it (?) and then Angelina confirmed it.

I’m looking for footage of the interview but can’t find it just yet.

Good God, woman. So many children!

But two new children means two new ridiculous baby names to gawk at! Hooray!

Jodie Foster has reportedly broken up with her girlfriend of 14 years, Cydney Bernard.

The couple have two young children together.

Now, granted, the source on this is the National Inquirer, but still …

Sad!

I wonder what went wrong.