Little-known fact about me: I’m a spelling bee champ.

Yes, it’s true.

Back in 8th grade, I won my school’s spelling bee. Then I won the regional spelling bee. And then I went to the state spelling bee, where I took home second place.

Here’s the thing: I should have won.

The stupid kid who won misspelled the word “reticent” in the final round. He used an “s” rather than a “c.” I knew he misspelled it, but I didn’t speak up at the time, because I was 13 and terrified. The judges were retarded. I would have spelled it correctly next, and I would have won. Instead, I proceeded to misspell the word “camouflage,” a word that I, inexplicably, struggle with to this day. The stupid kid spelled it right, and he won. Later review of the tape proved that he did, in fact, misspell “reticent,” but you have to challenge the judges in the same round as the mistake or it doesn’t matter. So I didn’t get to go the National Spelling Bee when I totally should have.

And it’s insane. This happened over a decade ago. I have since created a very successful career for myself as a writer. I have won all sorts of awards on both the state and national level, for all sorts of things. I graduated college cum laude, and finished in the top 10% of my graduate school class. I make a good living doing something I truly love. I have an adorable dog and a wonderful family. I have loads of incredible friends who love and respect me. By nearly anyone’s measure, I am a successful person. No one — no one — cares whether or not I was in the National Spelling Bee when I was 13 years old. No one except me. Thirteen years later, I am still tangibly bitter about this. I mean, genuinely angry. Whenever I even hear mention of the National Spelling Bee, I have a very physical reaction. I get a little bit nauseous and my heart rate picks up. Really, nothing else in the world has this effect on me. It’s ridiculous, and I don’t know how to fix it. I should be over this by now. And yet I’m not. I’m not even close. I’m still as upset as I was about it back then — maybe even more so.

Anyway.

Here’s the stupid brat who won the National Spelling Bee this year. I haven’t even watched the video. I can’t. It makes me too angry.

Do they have therapists who specialize in childhood spelling bee anxiety?

Holly Hunter welcomed her star on the Boulevard today.

Congrats, Holly!

Japanese singer and actress Tomoe Shinohara at an event in Tokyo.

Some asswipe launched a website called sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com.

OMG no one has ever made that comparison before!

So original and hilarious!

But what’s truly funny?

The Google Ads running on the site.

You can always count on Google Ads to pull through with the funny when nothing else will.

When Christina Aguilera’s not busy getting totally fucking wasted at any number of LA hotspots, she’s filming PSAs with her baby son, Max.

In the new broadcast ad, set to debut later this summer, Aguilera sings a lullaby of “America the Beautiful” to her son, who was born in January. The Grammy winner said she didn’t think twice about putting her son in the spot because it’s “inevitable that he will be subjected to some amount of press,” so it might as well be channeled into a good cause.

“This election in particular is such an exciting and historical one, and so I was proud to have my son and I stand together for such a powerful moment and message in time,” the 27-year-old star said.

Hey, at least she’s not starring in a series of diaper-changing videos, a la Melissa Joan Hart.

So I guess Fitty has been fighting with his ex-girlfriend about some huge house they own in Long Island. The girlfriend, Shaniqua Tompkins, claims Fitty promised it to her, but now he’s kicking her out along with the couple’s 10-year-old son.

So … when the house was burnt down early on Friday morning, authorities started asking questions.

You know, I don’t think this fire was set on purpose, because there were six people inside, some of whom suffered injuries from smoke inhalation. They had to be rescued from a deck of the house. One of those six people was Fitty’s own son (although Fitty wasn’t home himself). And, like, it’s one thing to burn down a property to piss off your ex-girlfriend, but it’s another thing entirely to do it when you’re putting your own son’s life at risk. 50 Cent may be a badass, but he’s not going to kill his own 10-year-old son.

When people intentionally set buildings on fire, for the insurance money or other reasons, they usually do it when nobody’s home. You’d have to be a monster to set a house on fire on purpose when there are innocent people — including children — inside.

Katrina Bowden needs to stay the fuck away from my man.

Look at him, laughing, flirting, joking with her. Having a good time. Being charming and wonderful.

That is supposed to be me with Jason Lewis.

Bitch.

Paris Hilton popped up at Narita Airport in Tokyo today.

I assume she’s there for the MTV Japan awards tonight (or yesterday or tomorrow or whatever … Tokyo time confuses me).

Paris had been MIA for OVER A WEEK.

What was she doing????