The Tampon Story
May 7th, 2008 by Evil BeetOkay, you’re right, I’m totally telling my tampon story. Because it’s the funniest story ever, and I was inspired by Moe over at Jezebel so fearlessly telling her tampon story.
The story is after the jump.
Please note: if you are my grandfather or father, do not jump in. Please.
Alright. So I’m 16 years old, and I have this boyfriend who is very sweet and remains one of my dearest friends to this day. We’ll call him Josh for now, although that is not his name, but he will die if I say his name here, and plenty of people who know him will figure out that this is him anyway and give him endless shit about it, so, for the record, I’m sorry, “Josh.”
Josh’s parents are out of town and I’m spending the night at his house. I’m menstruating, and I have a tampon in. We start making out on his bed, and he starts to take off my clothes, and I’m like, “Josh, no, I’m on my period.” And he’s plenty upset about this, but he’s finally like, “Okay, fine, let’s just get naked and go play in my parents’ jacuzzi tub.”
His parents have this large jacuzzi tub in their bathroom, so we take our clothes off and get into the tub, where we promptly start making out again. I’m sure this was all part of his grand scheme to get laid that night, because one thing leads to another, and he’s a teenage boy, and before I know it we are fully having sex in the bathtub (and, yes, I was on birth control). So we’re doing this for about a minute before I’m like “Fuck! My tampon!” And he’s like, “Oh, right, go ahead and take it out.”
He pulls out so I can remove the tampon, which I attempt to do, and it’s at that point that I realize that I can’t find the string. The string is nowhere to be found. In fact, the entire tampon is absolutely nowhere to be found. The tampon is MIA. Now, I’m 16 years old, so I’m not particularly well-versed in the details of the female anatomy. I have no idea where the tampon is at this point. I am fairly convinced that it is now in my stomach, working its way up into my lungs, where it will begin to suffocate me and Josh will have to rush me to the hospital and they’ll call my parents and I’ll be naked and dripping wet in an ER trying to explain to my father how a used tampon became lodged in my lungs. I am terrified.
Josh is like “Look harder!” And I’m like “I’m trying!!” and after a bit more unsuccessful fumbling and total freaking out on my part, he’s like, “Oh my God. I’m going in!” And he has this really determined look on his face, like a man gets when he’s about to lift something very heavy. I had this mental image of him putting on a little miner’s hat with a light on the top and heading in to excavate. So Josh takes a deep breath and begins searching my vaginal cavity for the missing tampon. This continues for about thirty uncomfortable seconds before he’s like “I got it!” And he carefully removes the tampon, bloody and dripping wet, and hands it to me.
At this point, I am so overwhelmed with relief that I just do what comes instinctively: the tampon is wet, so I ring it out over the bathtub. Josh is like “What the fuck!!” and he jumps out of the tub. And then I realize what I’ve done, and I’m like “Holy crap!” and I jump out of the tub, too. And we’re both standing there staring at this gross, bloody bathwater with a tampon floating in it and he’s like, “Um, you’re pulling out the plug” and I’m like “Yeah, that’s fair.” So we drain and clean the tub, toss out the tampon, and go to bed.
Funniest shit ever. Needless to say, I never made that mistake again.
Before you leave a comment, please make sure you've read our Guide to Commenting. It could save you a great deal of embarrassment.
Oh my god. Thats so hilarious. Sounds like something my best friend would tell me. lol.
wonderful. absolutely wonderful.
oh my gosh. i’ve got to say, this made me laugh.
i feel sorry for you, damn that had to be really embarrasing. D;
Sweeeeeet.
Oh my goodness, bless ” Josh’s” heart…. Beet, you are seriously one of the funniest person…seriously
Ummmm…maybe I missed something earlier, but what brought this event to mind???
Thanks for sharing
Okay, I’m awake now. No need to answer my last question.
Hey, anyone wants to hear about my lost condom mystery?Nah, I won’t share, I don’t want to attempt topping Beet’s story…( Don’t you just hate those people…yeah, me too)
@Frankie:
No no, please feel free to share. :)
ohh god..
thats so super funny…XD. i m so sorry for u…for this embarrassing moment with Josh.
i wish it wouldnt happen again..
and u should totally published this story…u’ll make so much money out of this…..haha XD
and…u r so funny!
Brilliant. Adding to list of reasons not to use tampon; “Lost in navel if attepming sex.”
Gah! Attemping* I hate being computerally dyslexic.
This sounds like something that would be in a film Seth Rogen produced.
Maybe someday I’ll share the tampon-string-caught-during-bikini-wax story.
But not today.
OH MY….you had sex at 16? Your grandmother will be so disappointed!
Beet, YOU ROCK !
that
was
fucking
awesome!
omgggggg…i have a pretty gross story like that, too. except i’ve never told ANYONE. and my bf wasn’t nearly as nice about it. lol great story
ooommmggggggggg….so good…
i like it..though i don’t belive it so much..ha..
by the way.please look here.
I am a beautiful hot girl, I wanna meet someone who is single, quality, and
rich.. If you wanna view my photos, check out my ID hotsingle4u at millionaire
dating site Wealthy LOVES.com
i’m waiting
lemme see if I got this straight…..oh never mind !
funny funny stuff Beet :):)
Frankie I have a lost condom story too lol and my boyfriend had to search me and get it out as well, a day later! And Beet…my boyfriend DID put on his flashlight head piece thingy!!! Just to lighten the mood you know ahahaha! He must be the one.
p.s. I would have never made this post if I wasnt annon! lol :0)
Everyone, just a little FYI after reading your comments – that story was NOT written by Beet. She just linked to it because everything about it was awesome. But Beet did not run around for a week with an old tampon inside of her; well, maybe she did, but what you just read wasn’t her story about it.
HAhahHA so funny
oh my god I am crying that was hilarious!! Go “Josh” most guys are too scared to but a pack of tampons from the store let alone do what he did!
boy, do you have a way to tell stories or what?! that was so funny!!!
@Roma.
We get that. She linked to someone else’s story, because it inspired Beet to tell HER unique story. We ARE commenting on Beet’s story.
Which was hilarious.
omfg.
Thats hilarious! XD
hahaha hilarious….i got a tampon stuck once too…had to go to the ER to have it removed…..talk about embarassing….
Funniest story ever! “I’m going in”, haha xD
My sympathy goes to Josh… ( and his family who has probably used that tub later on)
I am so, so glad you caved in and spilled. It’s the way you tell ‘em, Beet! And we love you for it! :D
Wow, 2 tampon stories in one day. I’m good for a couple of years now. You tell a great story, Beet.
AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaaaahahahaaaa….whew.
I fucking love you Beet!!!!!
THIS is why I’m such a huge fan of your website. I was halfway asleep until I read this, and now I’m laughing my ass off! Don’t worry, I think we’ve all lost the string at one point or another, though no story can top that one! lmao thank you for that.
That’s was mega funny, laughed so hard my boss wanted to know what was going on.
Slut!
“omg, im going in!” lol i was dying, great story beet = )
OMG- way to go there.
I love that story.
Now it is on the internet for all eternity. AWESOME.
Post more pics of Leo. :)
ROFLCWD!!! (Rolling On Floor Laughing Complete With Drool!!!) I am so happy that this story made it onto your site!!!
@ Frankie: I need to hear your lost condom story stat.
Awesome story Beet!
I don’t think that this happened to a sixteen year old. Me thinks that this is from some twenty-something broad who was just too embarrassed and decided to say that she’s a young, dumb teenager.
Oh I have a suggestion because you said some people like the leo pics and some don’t. To appease those who don’t you could make a leo gallery!
Wait a minute… I’m a fucking retard. Jesus Christ, I need to read more often. My apologies… I’ll take all the ridicule anyone has to offer.
Fuck…
Oh Lord, I have the same “Vagina Mining” memory of my last boyfriend. It’s actually very sweet, considering the male response to menstration.
Yeah, Ive had the condom lost as well. And he had to “go in” haha. Good times
really funny! I wouldve taken you to the hospital iF I were in highschool. Immeadiatly.
aahhahah sickkk
hahaha I loved the mental image thing
your boyfriend sounds like a sweet guy the way he was so nice about it
josh is so sweet for not getting grossed out by it, most boyfriends get so grossed out by the sight of that kind of stuff. cute story!
ahaha, i loved this story
Thank you Beet!!! I needed that laugh – how hilarious!!! Especially the wringing it out part!! LOL!!! I don’t have a tampon story, but it reminded me of a mortifying experiencing involving me, my severely bloodied period underwear, and the coach of my high school football team!! I hadn’t thought of that in at least 10 years!! Love your writing and your blog!! >^..^<
And this, ladies, is why that time of the month is for blowjobs and handjobs ONLY, and the occasionsal shower fun… trust me, 5 days of blowjobs and your boyfriend won’t be so sad about it….. :)