The Tampon Story
Okay, you’re right, I’m totally telling my tampon story. Because it’s the funniest story ever, and I was inspired by Moe over at Jezebel so fearlessly telling her tampon story.
The story is after the jump.
Please note: if you are my grandfather or father, do not jump in. Please.
Alright. So I’m 16 years old, and I have this boyfriend who is very sweet and remains one of my dearest friends to this day. We’ll call him Josh for now, although that is not his name, but he will die if I say his name here, and plenty of people who know him will figure out that this is him anyway and give him endless shit about it, so, for the record, I’m sorry, “Josh.”
Josh’s parents are out of town and I’m spending the night at his house. I’m menstruating, and I have a tampon in. We start making out on his bed, and he starts to take off my clothes, and I’m like, “Josh, no, I’m on my period.” And he’s plenty upset about this, but he’s finally like, “Okay, fine, let’s just get naked and go play in my parents’ jacuzzi tub.”
His parents have this large jacuzzi tub in their bathroom, so we take our clothes off and get into the tub, where we promptly start making out again. I’m sure this was all part of his grand scheme to get laid that night, because one thing leads to another, and he’s a teenage boy, and before I know it we are fully having sex in the bathtub (and, yes, I was on birth control). So we’re doing this for about a minute before I’m like “Fuck! My tampon!” And he’s like, “Oh, right, go ahead and take it out.”
He pulls out so I can remove the tampon, which I attempt to do, and it’s at that point that I realize that I can’t find the string. The string is nowhere to be found. In fact, the entire tampon is absolutely nowhere to be found. The tampon is MIA. Now, I’m 16 years old, so I’m not particularly well-versed in the details of the female anatomy. I have no idea where the tampon is at this point. I am fairly convinced that it is now in my stomach, working its way up into my lungs, where it will begin to suffocate me and Josh will have to rush me to the hospital and they’ll call my parents and I’ll be naked and dripping wet in an ER trying to explain to my father how a used tampon became lodged in my lungs. I am terrified.
Josh is like “Look harder!” And I’m like “I’m trying!!” and after a bit more unsuccessful fumbling and total freaking out on my part, he’s like, “Oh my God. I’m going in!” And he has this really determined look on his face, like a man gets when he’s about to lift something very heavy. I had this mental image of him putting on a little miner’s hat with a light on the top and heading in to excavate. So Josh takes a deep breath and begins searching my vaginal cavity for the missing tampon. This continues for about thirty uncomfortable seconds before he’s like “I got it!” And he carefully removes the tampon, bloody and dripping wet, and hands it to me.
At this point, I am so overwhelmed with relief that I just do what comes instinctively: the tampon is wet, so I ring it out over the bathtub. Josh is like “What the fuck!!” and he jumps out of the tub. And then I realize what I’ve done, and I’m like “Holy crap!” and I jump out of the tub, too. And we’re both standing there staring at this gross, bloody bathwater with a tampon floating in it and he’s like, “Um, you’re pulling out the plug” and I’m like “Yeah, that’s fair.” So we drain and clean the tub, toss out the tampon, and go to bed.
Funniest shit ever. Needless to say, I never made that mistake again.
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May 7th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Oh my god. Thats so hilarious. Sounds like something my best friend would tell me. lol.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
wonderful. absolutely wonderful.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
oh my gosh. i’ve got to say, this made me laugh.
i feel sorry for you, damn that had to be really embarrasing. D;
May 7th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
Sweeeeeet.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Oh my goodness, bless ” Josh’s” heart…. Beet, you are seriously one of the funniest person…seriously
Ummmm…maybe I missed something earlier, but what brought this event to mind???
Thanks for sharing
May 7th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Okay, I’m awake now. No need to answer my last question.
Hey, anyone wants to hear about my lost condom mystery?Nah, I won’t share, I don’t want to attempt topping Beet’s story…( Don’t you just hate those people…yeah, me too)
May 7th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
@Frankie:
No no, please feel free to share.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
ohh god..
thats so super funny…XD. i m so sorry for u…for this embarrassing moment with Josh.
i wish it wouldnt happen again..
and u should totally published this story…u’ll make so much money out of this…..haha XD
and…u r so funny!
May 7th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
Brilliant. Adding to list of reasons not to use tampon; “Lost in navel if attepming sex.”
May 7th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Gah! Attemping* I hate being computerally dyslexic.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
This sounds like something that would be in a film Seth Rogen produced.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Maybe someday I’ll share the tampon-string-caught-during-bikini-wax story.
But not today.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:34 am
OH MY….you had sex at 16? Your grandmother will be so disappointed!
May 8th, 2008 at 2:19 am
Beet, YOU ROCK !
May 8th, 2008 at 2:57 am
that
was
fucking
awesome!
May 8th, 2008 at 3:06 am
omgggggg…i have a pretty gross story like that, too. except i’ve never told ANYONE. and my bf wasn’t nearly as nice about it. lol great story
May 8th, 2008 at 3:22 am
ooommmggggggggg….so good…
i like it..though i don’t belive it so much..ha..
by the way.please look here.
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May 8th, 2008 at 3:29 am
lemme see if I got this straight…..oh never mind !
funny funny stuff Beet :):)
May 8th, 2008 at 3:34 am
Frankie I have a lost condom story too lol and my boyfriend had to search me and get it out as well, a day later! And Beet…my boyfriend DID put on his flashlight head piece thingy!!! Just to lighten the mood you know ahahaha! He must be the one.
p.s. I would have never made this post if I wasnt annon! lol :0)
May 8th, 2008 at 4:52 am
Everyone, just a little FYI after reading your comments - that story was NOT written by Beet. She just linked to it because everything about it was awesome. But Beet did not run around for a week with an old tampon inside of her; well, maybe she did, but what you just read wasn’t her story about it.
May 8th, 2008 at 5:04 am
HAhahHA so funny
May 8th, 2008 at 5:42 am
oh my god I am crying that was hilarious!! Go “Josh” most guys are too scared to but a pack of tampons from the store let alone do what he did!
May 8th, 2008 at 6:28 am
boy, do you have a way to tell stories or what?! that was so funny!!!
May 8th, 2008 at 6:50 am
@Roma.
We get that. She linked to someone else’s story, because it inspired Beet to tell HER unique story. We ARE commenting on Beet’s story.
Which was hilarious.
May 8th, 2008 at 7:11 am
omfg.
Thats hilarious! XD
May 8th, 2008 at 7:11 am
hahaha hilarious….i got a tampon stuck once too…had to go to the ER to have it removed…..talk about embarassing….
May 8th, 2008 at 8:14 am
Funniest story ever! “I’m going in”, haha xD
My sympathy goes to Josh… ( and his family who has probably used that tub later on)
May 8th, 2008 at 9:03 am
I am so, so glad you caved in and spilled. It’s the way you tell ‘em, Beet! And we love you for it!
May 8th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Wow, 2 tampon stories in one day. I’m good for a couple of years now. You tell a great story, Beet.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:19 am
AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaaaahahahaaaa….whew.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:19 am
I fucking love you Beet!!!!!
May 8th, 2008 at 9:25 am
THIS is why I’m such a huge fan of your website. I was halfway asleep until I read this, and now I’m laughing my ass off! Don’t worry, I think we’ve all lost the string at one point or another, though no story can top that one! lmao thank you for that.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:30 am
That’s was mega funny, laughed so hard my boss wanted to know what was going on.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Slut!
May 8th, 2008 at 9:33 am
“omg, im going in!” lol i was dying, great story beet = )
May 8th, 2008 at 9:36 am
OMG- way to go there.
I love that story.
Now it is on the internet for all eternity. AWESOME.
Post more pics of Leo.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:50 am
ROFLCWD!!! (Rolling On Floor Laughing Complete With Drool!!!) I am so happy that this story made it onto your site!!!
@ Frankie: I need to hear your lost condom story stat.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Awesome story Beet!
May 8th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I don’t think that this happened to a sixteen year old. Me thinks that this is from some twenty-something broad who was just too embarrassed and decided to say that she’s a young, dumb teenager.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Oh I have a suggestion because you said some people like the leo pics and some don’t. To appease those who don’t you could make a leo gallery!
May 8th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Wait a minute… I’m a fucking retard. Jesus Christ, I need to read more often. My apologies… I’ll take all the ridicule anyone has to offer.
Fuck…
May 8th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Oh Lord, I have the same “Vagina Mining” memory of my last boyfriend. It’s actually very sweet, considering the male response to menstration.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Yeah, Ive had the condom lost as well. And he had to “go in” haha. Good times
May 8th, 2008 at 10:43 am
really funny! I wouldve taken you to the hospital iF I were in highschool. Immeadiatly.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:12 am
aahhahah sickkk
May 8th, 2008 at 11:44 am
hahaha I loved the mental image thing
your boyfriend sounds like a sweet guy the way he was so nice about it
May 8th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
josh is so sweet for not getting grossed out by it, most boyfriends get so grossed out by the sight of that kind of stuff. cute story!
May 8th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
ahaha, i loved this story
May 8th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Thank you Beet!!! I needed that laugh - how hilarious!!! Especially the wringing it out part!! LOL!!! I don’t have a tampon story, but it reminded me of a mortifying experiencing involving me, my severely bloodied period underwear, and the coach of my high school football team!! I hadn’t thought of that in at least 10 years!! Love your writing and your blog!! >^..^<
May 8th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
And this, ladies, is why that time of the month is for blowjobs and handjobs ONLY, and the occasionsal shower fun… trust me, 5 days of blowjobs and your boyfriend won’t be so sad about it…..
May 8th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
@ kb:
you must be a man.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
OMG!I love you lol.
rock on for embarassing tampon stories.
But that one, isby far, a o3428574o87656o3454 tims better than any of mine
May 8th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
amazing story! sooo funny. i was terrified of tampons for a long time b/c i was something like that would happen. but now i know, ask a boy to find it or put condoms on my fingers hahaha. frank i wanna hear that condom story!!!!
i <3 beet!
i loved your story about how you got your nickname to.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
My tampon story is nowhere near as funny as yours. Well I’m sure it wasn’t funny when it happened, but you know what I mean.
May 8th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
omg Beet that was so funny ahah
im like terrified of getting my tampon stuck inside lol..
@ Frankie—TELL USSSSSS! now =]
May 8th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Oh. Funy
May 8th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
And you didn’t keep Josh why??
Was that really your grandfather on here….god I hope not, for you.
great story….just great.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Maybe your story will be added to a script on a movie. Trademark this story or else. lol
May 8th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Okay, okay… since Beet gave me the ‘go ahead’ I’ll tell the story… This happened about 5 years ago. After having a fantastic session of wild monkey sex, my guy got up to go discard the condom that was no longer where we had placed it. So, he freaked out and kept silent about it for like freaking two days.Unbeknownst to me, I just went about my usual days with a condom tucked up in my slave maker ( that’s what I call my vagina.I think it’s a much cooler term then others out there).
He calls me at my fire station on the second day and asked me if I received any “surprises”.Knowing the power of my slave maker and also a true romantic, I assumed he sent me some flowers at work..so I was like no, but I’ll keep an eye out.
Long story short, he broke down and told me two nights later. I have to say I was a bit pissed. Since I was at his house when he told me, immediatley I decided to go searching for this thing on my own and without his assistance. I did use his toothbrush to probe my innards, so I guess he kind of helped ,unbeknownst to him..( Don’t worry, I didn’t use the bristle side)
Anywho, I didn’t locate it. I did the squat and cough thing, still nothing. So we figured that it must be in the bedding or it must have vaporized during the wild monkey sex session. We laughed it off and that was that.
So, like another week goes by and I’m at my station again. I was peeing when we got an alarm, I rushed out and I forgot to flush. That’s right my people, when we returned to station, the lost condom mystery will have been solved. One of my crew members came across the unsettling scene. Since we have unisex bathrooms everyone was wondering who it belong to and who was engaging in sex while on duty…( cricket sounds) …
I never owned up to it… Hey, I was the only chick in the station. I have a reputation to uphold…
I know, I know… I said I was going to make a long story short. It just never works out that way.
May 9th, 2008 at 12:12 am
Yup… glad I’m gay….
May 9th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Lmfao! That story is BRILLIANT!
May 9th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Josh seems like a real trooper . . . how many guys do you know (especially at that age) who would be willing to go on a rescue mission like that?
May 9th, 2008 at 10:32 am
OK, I’m glad to see I’m not the only one with a lost condom story. After separating after twenty years of marriage, I of course decided to practice safe sex on my first outing with a man other my husband. Having completed the dirty deed, yes, you guessed it, couldn’t find the condom. We looked for it briefly but no luck, and I figured it just got caught in the sheets. After my new guy left I made a more detailed search of pillowcases, sheets, under the bed, crack between headboard and mattress and becoming increasingly frantic the overhead ceiling fan, you know just in case. The next day he called and asked if I found it and I lied and said yes. By this point I began to suspect he had taken it with him for fear I would get busy with the turkey baster or something. Anyway about 2 days went by before the light bulb went off and sure enough after some uncomfortable poking around I finally found it. Want to know the really funny/sad part of the story? I WAS 40 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME!!!
May 9th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
On my 19 birthday party with my first boyfriend, at my house, we went and hade sex in one bathroom. I had my tampon on, and I did it anyways (I was totally drunk).
The next day I didn’t remember and I put on another tampon.
Well.. a few days later, when I was removing one I realised that I had 2 tampons inside, not one!!!
hahaha
May 9th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
At least you remembered to take it out, my roommate left one in, had sex, got 102 degree fever, and was in the hospital for 2 days
May 9th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Good storytelling, Beet. I actually held off on reading the “Tampon Story” because I was worried that it would be too off-putting for my saintly male ears. But your linking to the “Josh” text stirred my curiosity. You told the story well and made it compelling, and not gross. Still, I’m going to lay off of sex for a while. Unfortunately, that won’t be any great change to my ‘08.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Fuck woman, we don’t want to read stories like that.
Not gonna fuck my wife for a while. Thanks.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! freakin hilarious! great one Beet plus all the other contributors in the thread! LOL!
May 10th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Beet ! Awesome! I wanna kiss you so bad!
May 11th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
omg!!! he is incredible…so cute with his ‘im going in’ lol…rofl he is the cuttiest and that is the funniest shit ive ever heard and iv heard tons of period stories!!!
May 12th, 2008 at 4:06 am
great beet, just great… chuy!
May 17th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
beet you are so awesome
May 17th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
want to hear “the condom history”?…
May 19th, 2008 at 6:07 am
ohhhhhhhh i have not laughed that much in a long time!!
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:05 am
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May 23rd, 2008 at 7:24 am
Hello people,
I just found this video. I think It is a real scandal!
Check this blog out:
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Info From BBC News:
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nearly six years after first being arrested.
huh.. do you believe??
June 27th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
XD tht made me horny…XD
July 1st, 2008 at 2:29 pm
“Josh” didn’t even get to finish? Tease!
July 11th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
omg!!!lol, my story is here: ok, my parents and my bf ryan’s were gone 2. we are all single kids, sooo… i had my period and my tampon was, in…just in case. and he started humping me, i told him no, but he was like, yeah!!! so, he stuck his penis in and, we were having sex….i told him, do u have a condom in?. he told me yeas……he pulled out, and i was in pain….i looked and i said, keep it in, or else i’ll be dead…w/out thinking about my tampon, he tore his penis out….i screamed, he screamed, my tampon was hooked on his dick…lol……..and he took it off…..and, i looked on the couch, and his semen was EVERYWHERE/ nasty…….but at least his penis was BIG!!! lol