Unfortunately for Scott Weiland, he forgot to be a 5′0,” 80-pound blond mother-to-be while driving under the influence. For his second DUI in recent years, Scott was handed down a sentence of eight days in jail.

Nicole Richie, you’ll recall, served 82 minutes for a similar offense.

So we’ll wait and see how much time Scott actually spends in the slammer, but I’m betting it’s gonna be more than 82 minutes.

Life just ain’t fair, kids.

If you think all call girls are just going to lie down and take it, think again.

Ashley Dupre, the hooker behind the Eliot Spitzer scandal, is now suing Joe Francis to the tune of $10M for the illegal use of her name and image.

In the lawsuit, filed on Monday in federal court in Miami, Ashley Alexandra Dupre contends that she was 17 and not old enough to sign a legally binding contract when she appeared partially nude in video footage filmed in 2003 by members of Francis’ Mantra Films production company in Miami Beach.

On a spring break vacation at the time, Dupre was also drunk when told to sign a video “release” form, according to the complaint, which seeks damages in excess of $10 million from Francis and his co-defendants.

“At the time of these events, plaintiff did not understand the magnitude of her actions nor that her image and likeness would be displayed in videos and DVDs produced and distributed by defendants,” the lawsuit says.

You go get ‘em, Ashley! Anyone suing Joe Francis is okay by me, even if they are a hooker.

So I sat down to write a post about Cheri Oteri’s father, who was tragically murdered in his Nashville home this weekend, but I really hate covering shit like that. Like, it’s so incredibly sad, it’s not her fault, and, while it’s an intriguing story, I feel dirty trying to use it to get page views. So if you care, the full story is here.

Instead, I’m going to focus on something more appropriate: the sluttification of one Miley Cyrus.

The photographer behind the shots, Annie Liebowitz, has decided to weigh in herself. Says Annie:

“I’m sorry that my portrait of Miley has been misinterpreted,” she said in a statement. “Miley and I looked at fashion photographs together, and we discussed the picture in that context before we shot it. The photograph is a simple, classic portrait, shot with very little makeup, and I think it is very beautiful.”

Yeah, Annie. Shot with very little makeup. Also: very little clothing.

And where would any of this be without the Christian Coalition of America? Normally I’d be like “What the fuck does the Christian Coalition have to do with any of this?” but Miley’s been so outspoken about her relationship with Jesus and her religion that I suppose they do get to have a say here.

“Disney should reprimand her,” says their spokesperson. “Miley should say it was a mistake and that kids have to be very careful at such a young age. Kids look up to her. Something needs to be done.”

Sigh.

This is going to be the best-selling issue of Vanity Fair in years, and it’s done wonders toward launching Miley’s career for an adult audience. Well-played, my friends.

So Perez Hilton is totally regretting making an Internet phenom out of Chris Crocker (aka Heidi Montag Part Deux), and refuses to cover him further, and I’m sure has managed to be a total asshole to him on more than one occasion.

Here’s what Chris has to say about it.

It’s funny; all the gay male bloggers pretty much refuse to cover Chris, but they’ll cover other non-entities like Phoebe Price. Jealous much, boys? The boy has better legs than I do! And I’m willing to admit it!

WE LOVE YOU AT EVIL BEET, CHRIS!!!

Britney Spears will reprise her guest role on How I Met Your Mother. Production on the new episode begins today.

The show’s producer, Craig Thomas, released this statement: “We’re all so thrilled to have Britney joining us once again. And just to head it off at the pass this time around: Yes, Mom, Britney’s very nice and no, I can’t get her autograph for you.”

Seriously, dude? You should be able to get her autograph for your mom. Here’s a tip: have her sign it on a loaded crack pipe. That makes the whole process go more smoothly.

Anyway, congrats, Britney. Good to see you’re (kind of) back on your feet again. I’m always cheering you on, girl, even when I’m being mean.

Here’s a better shot of Miley Cyrus inside Vanity Fair.

I love the quote here: “I know they have good hearts and they’re struggling,” she says about Lindsay and Britney. Oh, Miley. Don’t be so condescending. This is going to be you in a couple of years.

We’ve also got a video of the shoot, which I think is supposed to demonstrate that her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, was on the set with her, but really it’s just a lot of Miley posing with her father for photos that make me uncomfortable. Like, if fifteen is too young to be posing topless with a bed sheet, it’s also too old to be posing with your head in your father’s lap, or gazing adoringly into his eyes as he grabs your thigh. Sorry, but that’s kind of gross.

Video is after the jump.

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As if you didn’t get enough of it from Britney, here’s a strung-out Amy Winehouse going through a drive-thru in London, begging the paps to let her buy them a cheeseburger.

At first I was like, “Oh my God, she’s driving!” And then I remembered that cars are backwards in England, and she’s actually the passenger. I’m so unworldly.

The little girl in the back seat is supposedly her god-daughter, who is adorable and should be kept away from Amy at all costs at this point.