Quotables
It was bad. So bad. To Montag’s credit, she trumpets Heidiwood’s prices of $10 to $60 for any given item — compared to the triple-digit tags on L.C.’s line, that’s a sure sign that she at least she understands her demographic. And yet everything we saw still gave us sticker shock. Paper-thin tanks for $27? Flimsy, panty-line-molesting dresses at nearly 40 bucks? Sure, that’s a steal compared to Marc Jacobs, but not far enough removed from what you’d pay at the Gap for something that’s at least 100 percent cotton and unlikely to give you a rash. When $37 seems exorbitant for a dress, you know you’ve got problems. In fact, it cemented our suspicion that Heidi is turning into Paris 2.0: terrible singer, lame boyfriends, famous mostly for on-camera pouting, and excessively eager to merchandise herself, regardless of actual quality.
Luckily, it’s possible no one else is interested. Not only were we alone in visiting Heidiwood, we were the sole shoppers at that Anchor Blue, period, exposing us to the naked curiosity of the employees. “Are you a … fan of Heidi?” one of them asked. We murmured something unintelligible, much like the previous day when we called to confirm the clothes’ arrival and the store clerk said, “Are you … um … interested in the Heidi Montag stuff?” He might as well have enquired, “Are you eating glass?” But the store’s emptiness ultimately saved us — with customers nearby, we’d have lacked the guts to open the dressing-room doors.
There’s a reason, by the way, that we only photographed Montag’s designs looking unattractive on the hanger and not on ourselves: No self-respecting grown woman should allow herself to be seen in these garments. Only two of the twelve items have sleeves, and just one — a pair of jeans — extends past mid-thigh. In fact, only one other thing extends past the upper thigh: a dress that would have been mildly acceptable had it not been made from the kind of cotton you usually only see on Target’s discount panties. At one point, we faced each other: One of us wore black short-shorts with a one-inch inseam (half a thumb, for real) and a zebra-striped tank with a faux-chiffon back bow; the other, a white-denim, butt-cleavage-baring skirt with a backless teal top that’s baggy in the bust and tight at the gut — perfect if you haven’t eaten pasta in ten years and have ginormous implants (sound familiar?). The stuff was the complete opposite of flattering. We looked like rejects from Rock of Love II with Bret Michaels; stick us on the hood of a car and Whitesnake would’ve appeared, guitars in hand.
The girls from Go Fug Yourself, discussing their experience with Heidi Montag’s fashion line in NY Mag.
Ack!
Those shorts!
I feel fat just looking at them. Like, I don’t even know if my vagina could fit in those.
In fairness, this article was written by intelligent, educated, mature adult women. Which is not exactly Heidi’s target demo. These thing’ll fly off the rack at Old Navy and shit, purchased by 11-year-olds who are rocking those sexy, ultra-skinny legs that most of us normal people associate only with pre-pubescence.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
yuk. the fact that heidi even released her own line is testament to her IQ. which is probably lower than the “i love lamp” guy from anchorman… she is just repulsive.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
I think Ashlee Simpson’s tops look pretty cute. I didn’t know Wet Seal was still around! And Sarah jessica parker stuff, totally cheap!
April 17th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
I dont think anyones gunna be running to anchor blue to buy any exclusive heidiwood shit…if a girl just happens to walk in there and see one of the items and thinks its cute, then she’ll buy it regardless of the brand, but I hope she DOES see the brand and spit on it.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:26 am
Anchor Blue usually sells cheap but decent clothes but even if this was cheap its definitely not decent. Bleh.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:55 am
It’s okay, Beet. My vagina wouldn’t fit in those bad boys either.
But seriously, WHERE would it be appropriate to wear shorts that look smaller than the average pair of panties? WHERE!?!
April 18th, 2008 at 6:00 am
Im with Alix, where the hell would you wear those shorts? Anyone who does wear them will be so uncomfertable. They will have to pick there shorts out of the crotch all day! you can’t even wear underwear with those!!
April 18th, 2008 at 6:35 am
i would have serious issues if my daughter wanted to wear a pair of hooker shorts like that. and the school dress codes strictly enforce shorts have to be ‘approaching the knee’…those things are approaching the cervix.
she needs to market them on the sidewalk where the ladies of the night work.
April 18th, 2008 at 6:43 am
I guess we will all have to have lipo + vaginal rejuventation to be able to buy Heidi’s clothes.
April 18th, 2008 at 7:22 am
yeah,they are ridiculous
I could stik’em on my head like a funny hat,though…
no kid of mine is ever to wear such stuff
it’s obvious that they necessarily expose the perineum
totally
April 18th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I thought those WERE panties until I got to the end of the article
April 18th, 2008 at 9:09 am
“I feel fat just looking at them. Like, I don’t even know if my vagina could fit in those.”……. hahahahahahahahha!!!! that was so freakin funny. I thought it was funny when Heidi made a comment that lauren’s line was just too expensive for her. But yet, there are always pics of her coming out of Intermix and Lisa Kline on Robertson. She is also always wearing Louboutins. Okay, if you live in Southern California and have walked into these two stores and immediately walked out because the prices are so astronomical, raise your hand because I have. Also, have you seen the prices on Louboutins??? over $800 to $1K per shoe. Heidi can take her slutty clothes and go fuck herself. God I hate her. Her clothes look like Vegas Slut wear. The kinda clothese you see on the skanks trying to hook older men in the casinos.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:14 am
i never thought id say this but i dont think paris deserves to be lined up with heidi LOL. heidi is a nobody clinging to her fifteen minutes like a blonde collagenized banshee.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Eyes of Green– “approaching the cervix” –too funny!
April 18th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Well… those’re run of the mill hoochie shorts. They look really uncomfortable although I’ve had people tell me otherwise.
Other than club wear or rap/rock videos, I imagine they aren’t general wear.
The common approved accessories are super-thin cotton shifts (already mentioned) and some nice clear plastic stripper heels.
Sadly, I thought “Heidiwood” was a freakin joke. I’m getting old.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Did you just call an eleven-year-old’s legs sexy?
April 18th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
heidi’s clothes belong at a stripper/adult store…what woman in her right mind would wear shorts that low outside her house? yeahh not many..and i actually like laurens line it looks wayyyyyyyyyyy more professional then heidis.
“I feel fat just looking at them. Like, I don’t even know if my vagina could fit in those.” lmaoo that was so funny ahaha
April 18th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
okay, you know you’re 40 when instead of feeling moral outrage on seeing those shorts, you think “God, I would give actual body organs to look hot in those”. I saw a pic of Heidi in those shorts with the zebra top. It did look kinda slutty, but not TOO bad. Seeing the inseam tho, don’t know how you’d sit and not flash the goods big time.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
i thought they were underwear and thought “oh not bad” then i noticed the pockets and then i read the blog FUCKIN SHORTS!!!!! OMG those are fukin shorts??? good god have mercy.
April 21st, 2008 at 9:43 am
# Who likes short shorts? #
Heidi Montag, evidently. And in regards to the majority of these comments; Heidi Montag, and Heidi Montag ONLY!
To market these as “shorts” is ridiculous.