Above you’ll find the Oscar presentation for Best Picture, and, after the jump, more clips from the second half of the show.

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I know I’m like a full day and a half late with this news but, in case you haven’t heard, I have cholera.

I am currently going through a rare and precious period of consciousness, so I’m trying to get you guys all caught up with the important things in this world, like Britney Spears, before I fall back into another 24 hours of weird cholera dreams. Seriously, are dreams extra weird when you have cholera? I am having the weirdest dreams, and I’m having a LOT of them. I think it’s the special kind of dreaming you do before you die of cholera. I want to write a book of poetry about the dreams I am having lately. I want to call it “Dreams You Have Before a Painful Cholera Death,” but I think Jewel already used that title.

Anyway, Brit-Brit got to spend three glorious, closely-monitored hours with her two sons in her Studio City home on Saturday.

No one was hospitalized as a result, and thus the endeavor was considered a glowing success.

I mean, is it just me, or did she look ooooold at the Oscars? Is Harrison Ford contagious? Does anyone who spends too much time around him just get old?

Remember when she was that perky, quirky Ally McBeal? When she barely seemed old enough to have gone to law school? Was that fifty years ago? Did we even have color TVs back then? Who were her co-stars? Mickey Rooney and Shirley Temple?

I’m such a bitch.

In my defense, though, I have cholera. I mean, based on the cholera research I’ve done during the past five minutes, I’ll probably only survive a few more hours. Still, though, I bet I outlive Calista.

Can you believe this little bitch got a front-row seat at the Oscars?

Stupid hooker.

I do love the dress, though. It’s not exactly a traditional Oscar dress, and I give her props for having the guts to wear it, especially since she’s got no fucking business being at the Oscars anyway. It reminds me of, like, an ancient Japanese tapestry or something.

Hello.

So, I have been transported to my father’s house, where, if and when I die of this cholera, at least my body will be discovered promptly.

I was forcibly removed from my bed and dragged in front of a TV, where I was made to eat salmon, but successfully resisted consumption of the single piece of broccoli placed on my plate (”For,” explained my father, “presentation value,” and I expressed my gratitude at his decision to use my final moments on earth to perfect his Top Chef audition.)

I survived from about Best Supporting Actor to Best Actress, which I consider quite a run for someone with late-stage cholera, and then I had to go back to bed.

Luckily, the entirety of the Oscars is already available on video, and I’m going to bring it to you here. Above, we have Jon Stewart’s opening monologue, and, after the jump, more goodies from the first hour and a half. We’ll have the rest of it up for you later tonight, if I survive that long. If I do not, I am confident that Lars and Evil T will post the rest.

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So, um, I know I’m basically like a factory of excuses these days, and I understand that the overwhelming majority of you hate me right now, but just as soon as my life and my posting got back into a normal swing, I came down with that awful flu that’s sweeping the nation. I’m basically immobile. I have been sleeping for nearly 48 hours straight at this point. Seriously, I get up every 7-8 hours to pee and eat a bowl of cereal, and then I’m back down for the count. I have never been this pervasively exhausted in my whole life. I am genuinely worried that my heart is going to take a nap, too, and then I’ll be dead. I would go to the hospital but I’m sure I smell really bad right now and I’m too tired/afraid of falling asleep and drowning to shower and I don’t want to leave the house looking this way.

So anyway.

I am going to do my damndest to stay conscious for the Oscars tonight so I can try to write about them tomorrow, but, until then, my good friend Laremy over at Film.com is doing some pretty exhaustive Oscars coverage. He’s a damn funny guy, and I’d encourage you all to head over there and check it out. Click here to read.

Angelina Jolie pretty much told the world “so ya guys I’m totally pregnant” by wearing a clingy black dress to the Independent Spirit Awards. I can’t get over the fact that she is totally with child yet still has skinny arms. I am 5′3” and when I decide to pop out kids I feel like I am going to get as wide as I am tall.

Honestly, I am so jealous of those women who pregnancy seems to make them hotter. Sigh. I can’t wait to see if this kid (or kids…as some media outlets are speculating) is going to be as cute as the other members of their brood.

I wonder where this kid will end up being born? Africa? Asia? Some strange remote Island?