So I ran into an old high-school classmate at a party a couple of months ago. I hadn’t really seen her since high school. She’d married her high-school sweetheart after nearly a decade of dating, but the marriage itself was short-lived; they separated after only two months, and decided to make the split permanent soon after. She’d ended up getting an annulment just weeks before I saw her, and, after downing an entire flask of vodka in one swig (very impressive), she bemoaned the absence of a spot for annulments on the “Marital Status” field of assorted forms. “They have ’single,’ they have ‘divorced,’ they have ‘widow,’” she complained. “Why isn’t there an ‘annulee’ field? I’m not a divorcee, I’m an annulee!” I dunno, maybe you had to be there — or maybe you had to be there with vodka — but we laughed for like 20 minutes about that. Maybe because, in a situation like that, there’s not much else to do but laugh your ass off with the people who knew you before life became so complicated.

Anyway.

Pamela Anderson is tired of being a divorcee and ready to become an annulee. She’s filed for an annulment of her marriage to Rick Salomon, citing “fraud” as the reason, with no further explanation.

This oughtta be good.

Madonna’s new album has an official title: Hard Candy, which is totally a ripoff of that Counting Crows album, IMHO.

The album’s release date is set for April 29, with the first single, “Four Minutes to Save the World,” being released at the end of March.

Check out Janet Jackson performing “Feedback” on Good Morning America.

This is, like, the most boring song ever. The only good part comes at 2:30 when she sings the line “My swagger’s serious / I’m heavy like a first-day period.” Seriously, I will listen to this song over and over again just for that line. Will someone graduating high school this year please make that their senior yearbook quote? Please? For me? I totally would have done it for you. If I’d ever been a senior in high school. Which I wasn’t. Because I dropped out after sophomore year. And look at me now, motherfuckers!!! You all thought I’d end up flipping burgers, but instead I run a celebrity gossip blog whose primary source of traffic is people searching for “Lindsay Lohan naked” on Google Image search. So put that in your fancy high-school-graduate pipe and smoke it.

But I digress.

Also, I have to hand it to Janet: that outfit is a phenomenal I’m-hiding-the-weight-gain ensemble. Jessica Simpson’s stylists should take note.

Honestly I had hoped to avoid bringing you this story — it bores me to my core — but there’s really not much else going on today, so the gossip world has hurled itself into this Naomi-Campbell-has-a-cyst story.

Yes, it’s true.

Naomi Campbell had a cyst, and it’s been removed.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines “cyst” as “an abnormal membranous sac containing a gaseous, liquid, or semisolid substance.”

I know you guys are thinking the same thing I am: They took out Naomi Campbell’s entire brain?

“I cannot reveal what Naomi had, nor how serious her condition was, but I can say I operated on her yesterday, that everything went smoothly and that she is completely cured and walking in her room,” said the doctor in Brazil who operated on her.

Ugh, I have a cyst, too. Its name is Naomi Campbell. Can someone in Brazil please remove my cyst and then issue a fucking press release on a slow news day?

After decades of toiling in near-obscurity, a little-known musician by the name of “Madonna” will be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on March 10.

Her induction will be announced by an equally unnoted artist, one Justin Timberlake.

Other inductees include Leonard Cohen, John Mellencamp, The Dave Clark Five, The Ventures and Little Walter.

Okay, so I’ve heard of John Mellencamp, and I know Leonard Cohen is that guy from that REM song, but I’ve never heard of any of the others. And “Little Walter” just sounds like the name that some old dude living in a trailer park in Montana gave to his penis.

And is Madonna even a rock musician?

In NYC before a TRL taping.

We’ve come a long way from the “Fantasy” days, Mariah.

A long way down.

The only redeeming quality about this video is that the guy from 30 Rock is in it.

I have to say that I was a bit “eh” about the Oscars. I wasn’t alone as most people at my Oscars party simply either got drunk on wine or ate cookie cake. Nobody really wanted to pay much attention really because the movies this year were stirring and artistic but quite moody.

Was Juno the only nominee where somebody didn’t die? Wait, when was the last time a movie won an Oscar and didn’t have someone die in it? Geez people, couldn’t you have thrown “Juno” a bone here.

My favorite quote of the night though was from Marion Cotillard who said, in response to winning the best actress Oscar that she was,

“Overwhelmed with joy and sparkles and fireworks!”

How sweet is that? She was amazing and if you have the chance to see “La Vie En Rose” please go do it. She was so deserving of this Oscar.

Also, good guy and low-key actor Daniel Day Lewis won as well so in the end the Oscars may have been a bit boring and clip-heavy but at least we had some nice gracious winners…