Oh, Shut Up and Go to High School, Ali Lohan
February 26th, 2008 by Evil Beet
I guess 14-year-old Ali Lohan thinks she’s “making a name for herself.”
Which is totally true, if by “making a name for herself” she means “being Lindsay Lohan’s little sister.”
Ali’s being featured in the new issue of Teen Vogue — which you should buy only because Blake Lively’s on the cover — and boy does she have some disturbing things to say.
Here’s what she has to say about her impending doom fame:
I want it so bad. So bad you don’t even know. And now, it’s actually happening … I grew up watching Lindsay, and it made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you … it’s so cool when people look up to you. I’ve already been asked for my autograph, and it’s just a really good feeling to have.
Oh, I don’t even know where to start on this.
First, let’s discuss what’s “actually happening” for Ali right now. She’s co-starring in an upcoming reality TV show with her crazy-ass mother, which Lindsay Lohan is basically refusing to participate in, so the thing’s gonna crash and burn. She’s kinda-sorta thinking about releasing an album, which will fail if it ever gets made, and — to top it all off — she might audition for High School Musical 3! Jesus. Christ. You’ve just described the life of every 14-year-old in the greater Los Angeles area. Honestly, I think that’s how most agents are pitching themselves to the under-20 crowd these days. “I might be able to get you an audition for High School Musical 3!” Let’s just put Ali’s name on an Emmy right now.
And then let’s talk about this: “Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you … it’s so cool when people look up to you. I’ve already been asked for my autograph, and it’s just a really good feeling to have.”
Yes, exactly, Ali. What you need to start doing at this age is formulating a sense of self-worth based entirely on the misguided feelings of people who never have and never will meet you. At 14, it’s important to be viewed as larger-than-life — deified, almost — by total strangers. That way, when what you feel inside doesn’t even begin to compare with the image the public has created for you, you can have a total meltdown by age 17 and become a raging, self-destructive alcoholic. It’s all worked out so well for Lindsay. I can imagine why you’d want the same.
Take a hint from Jamie-Lynn, Ali — just get knocked up and move on with your life.
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February 26th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
will you be my therapist? for real that was DEEEEEEP. listen younghollywood, beet is trying to help u out!
February 26th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
word!
February 27th, 2008 at 4:25 am
her nose looks kind of funny..or maybe she didn’t have a nosejob (yet)…:D and she looks older than 14…shouldn’t she be studying for school insteand of trying (and failing) to be famous??..*sigh*
February 27th, 2008 at 5:53 am
Where can I nominate Dina Lohan for Mother of the Year?!? She is obviously doing such an incredible job raising her kids. Look at it this way Beet, here’s a kid you can count on for lots of blogging in the very near future!
February 27th, 2008 at 5:55 am
This chasing faming on the heels of your more famous, slightly older sibling thing doesn’t end well. Think Solange Knowles, Jamie Lynn Spears, Ray J, Jeremy Depp.
Okay, I totally made up Jeremy Depp.
February 27th, 2008 at 5:57 am
*chasing fame*
February 27th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
ATTENTION WHORE!
February 27th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
God damn… they really are an UGLY bunch!!!!
February 27th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Damn 2 fucked up Spears running around now add 2 Lohans Hollywood is asking for it.
February 28th, 2008 at 9:13 am
That poor chile got the short end of the stick in the looks department…all the bad features of her mother (which are legion) and the skin tone of her dad. She’s unfortunate looking. Honestly, Lindsay threw away her opportunity and I doubt she can come back; this chile needs to get educated and not by a Mom that sees dollar signs before school books. Damn, Gina, trainwrecks abound. Interesting you can see one coming before it happens.
February 28th, 2008 at 10:21 am
’nuff said you are the bomb evil beet
March 13th, 2008 at 11:24 am
GO TO THE DENTIST AND GET THOSE HORSE TEETH FILED DOWN
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:20 am
this message is for all ali hater’s if you don’t like
ali then leave her alone and if you don’t have nothing
nice to say then don’t say nothing at all leave her alone.
April 3rd, 2008 at 9:08 pm
wow you guys are making fun of a little girl..thats just sad!! who gives you the right to judge her? and the teeth comment was prob. made because you are insecure about yourself and choose to pick on other ppl to make yourself feel better. make this world a better place by building up others not tearing them down.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
wowzers she looks like 20-ish how horribl can celebs get any stupider
July 5th, 2008 at 8:29 am
who r u guys to b picking on ali lohan? shes only 14. u guys cant talk about her singing career bcuz it hasnt crashed and burned yet, like her sister lidnsays. but dont u guys worry worry it will, as soon as she starts performing!!! u just gotta b patient!!!!!!!!
August 14th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
she looks like she is seriously like in her 20ies!! IM 14 and i look like im 4 years old compared to her!!AHHH
August 30th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
you people shouldn’t be leaving bad comments about her, it’s her dream and it’s what she wants to do. so is it any of your buisnesses? i’m glad there will be a new teen star. btw she looks just like a 14 YEARS OLD TO ME, i’m not sure how old you people are but at my school every 14 years old look like that or even older!!
August 30th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
what the hell?? i think she’s gonna do a fine job if she could be a star, and she look just like a 14 years old. the bad comments you people leave just shows that you are immature enough to hurt that girl’s dream, stop being stupid and think about yourself, do you even have a dream like that girl does? i think she’s a beatiful girl who doesn’t have to be judged by bunch of strangers who are uglier than her.
September 19th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Amen!