No. Scratch that.

Gag me with Brad Pitt’s penis.

Brad and Angelina remind us all why they’re happier than you at the SAG awards on Sunday.

First off, a huge shout-out to Lars and T for holding down the fort while I was away on vacation. But I’m back now, and I’m better than ever, baby!!! A few items of business:

1) I am aware that, for some of you, an evil little computer virus attempts to attack your machine when you log on to the website. I am insanely sorry for that and am begging the powers that be to get it resolved.

2) I’M BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EvilT may be done with y’all but I still gots a few posts left in me.

I come this evening to deliver a message from on high; like a whisper on the wind the day we’ve all hoped and prayed for has finally come to pass.

New Kids On The Block are staging a comeback.

Don’t believe me? Check out the website. Also, I read it on People.com. So it’s legit.

That’s right people, it’s on.

Postscript: I hated NKOTB when they were around back in the day… but now I’m feeling sort of nostalgic. Perhaps it’s my old age.

Postscript2: I heard from Beet, she’s alive and well on her vaca. I think Monday is her big day back. Now that’s progress we can all get behind!

Thanks for letting me step in and mildly entertain you this week. I missed all of you. Thankfully staying away from Justin Guarini means you stay away from hate mail…
So in hopes that I offend some of you…here are some links to end your week.

Obviously Miley Cyrus like to take naughty pictures…Disney teaches their girls these things…how else can you get press? [Dlisted]

I don’t really care if Jessica Simpson was dumped again by some man her father set her up with. I do care that I still have to pay attention to her. [Jossip]

The Monte Carlo is burning…I’m a bit bummed. I am going to Vegas next week and I really enjoy their cheap bloody marys and cheaper patrons. [Drudge]

Is it weird that I have a bit of a girl crush on the Kardashians? [IDLYITW]

This is the worst TV show ever. It can’t get lower than this. Enjoy the absolute nadir of our culture:

Fox Reality presents: Battle of the Bods!

TMZ.com is reporting that the masseuse who found Heath made four calls to Mary-Kate Olsen before calling 911.

The total time elapsed between the first call and her actually calling someone who could help? Nine minutes.

What.
The.
Fuck.

WTF?? What is that? Nine minutes? Who the hell figures they’d better call someone else before emergency services? I mean that’s just kooky talk.

This just hammers home the point that I set out to prove when I filled in for the Beet this week: The Olsen twins are the devil.

If I ever get rich enough to build my bunker I’ll never be seen again.

I’ll establish a par level with pizza hut, so when I get below 20 piping hot delicious pizzas they’ll know to deliver me more through my super secret underground pizza tunnel.

What I won’t do is hit up Rite-Aid EVER again. In fact, I’ll loose my Doberman on anyone who mentions Rite-Aid in my presence. THAT will be how I do it.

Anyway, I bring this up to announce two things which the evening in pictures brought us. First off, Brit has a new assistant. I can’t imagine how you get that job. Monster.com? What would your skill set be? I imagine the listing would look like this:

**JOB POSTING**
Do you like traipsing around LA at all hours of the night while people follow you? Are you able to juggle six sorts of crazy? Don’t mind getting your picture taken? Then we’ve got the job for you! Join Britney for 72 hours of employment starting NOW! Skill with children no longer required!

Here’s a pic of the unfortunate soul: (if you’re curious Britney is pointing towards the spaceships she sees)

The other thing I would do if I had oodles of money is have people do my bidding. For instance I’d hire you just to buy me socks or something. That would be your full job. You’d have a credit card just for that. Argyle ones.

But here is Brit buying makeup with CASH MONEY.

In a way this is sort of good. That’s $40 that won’t be going to crack! Yay!