Look, guys, I found something on the Internets today that’s not about Britney!!!

A very pregnant Halle Berry rocks the string cheese in LA.

When I first saw this pic, I thought it was a tampon in her hand. But, no, it’s just string cheese.

Ooh, that could be kinky … or stinky. Can you imagine going to the hospital trying to explain why you’re emitting a strong odor because there’s a tiny bit of molding string cheese stuck in your vaginal cavity? I swear, every time I think of something weird and kinky that could be done in the bedroom, my next thought is always, “Well, what would the corresponding hospital visit look like?”

Why am I even talking about this? Back to Britney.

Life & Style is reporting that Britney was drug tested at the hospital, and the test came back negative.

“Her blood test just came back, and, thank God, it was clean. There are no traces of drugs or alcohol of any kind,” a source close to the Spears family said.

Okay, look, I’d almost feel a little comforted if she’d been high or drunk. Then we could be like, “Listen, let’s get this girl into a rehab, sober her ass up, and see if she can be a functional mother to her children.” But if she was already sober? What the fuck do you do??? She’s just fucking crazy. This is all fun and games until you realize that this is the only mother these children have. Then it’s just painfully sad. I always thought my mom was fucking crazy growing up, but now I’m like, “Hm, she never kidnapped me or had to be rushed to the hospital for total insanity. That was nice of her.” I guess I could have turned out much worse.

I guess Jamie-Lynn did make it to the hospital to hang with Brit, and now Access Hollywood is reporting that mom Lynne was basically freaking out on the phone.

She didn’t make much of a statement.

Lynn ‘was extremely distraught, crying on the phone and asking our staff, “Just say prayers.”’

If you guys have time in your prayer schedule, I guess you could pray for Britney, but, most of all, PRAY FOR THOSE KIDS!!!!

Okay, guys, I just took a little nap, and now appear to be able to sit upright again, so let’s keep going:

People’s managing editor is talking about why Jayden was taken to the hospital.

He says that in California there is a law stating that if there is an incident at a home involving children, they are required to go to a hospital and get checked for physical and mental issues. In this case, Jayden was cleared of both. Thank God!!!!

“When it was time for Jayden to go visit, get back in the car and go to his dad, Britney did not allow that. She locked herself in a room with Jayden, and that’s when the cops were called,” he told Access Hollywood. “They come in, they get through the door, and they strap Britney down on a gurney.”

The police had a difficult time removing Britney from the locked room, according to Castro. “It’s unclear whether they broke down the door or Britney let them in, but it took a long time for them to get through that door and when they finally got through they saw a disoriented Britney, who hadn’t slept for days, apparently hadn’t eaten for days, and that’s when they decided, ‘Let’s put her in a gurney, she’s under no condition to walk out of here on her own.‘”

Where was the court-appointed monitor during all of this? Wasn’t there some point prior to this where he/she should have been like, “Dude, Britney is more fucked up than usual. I need to get the kids out of here.”

Whatever she’s drinking, Lindsay Lohan seems as cool and centered as the freakin’ Dalai Lama compared to Britney’s recent antics.

In her first public appearance since she relapsed on New Years Eve, Lindsay was spotted shopping on the streets of Rome and drinking what may or may not be vodka (probably just water).

Who cares?

More Britney, please!

Looks like Britney’s in for at least a 3-day stay at the hospital, but, after 24 hours of “guarded observation,” she’ll be charged with something I can only imagine is “being fucking crazy in the presence of your damn children.”

Nah, the charges are as-yet-unnamed.

And it doesn’t seem like Jayden James was injured — I think he was taken to the hospital as a precaution, because he was locked up in the house with his crazy mother for so long. So that’s some good news.

And just as a heads-up, guys, I’m still way sick today — which may actually be as good a reason as any to get the cops to let me into Cedars-Sinai to hang with Brit — so I’m doing my best to stay on top of all this coverage, but feel free to chime in with your usual funny and witty comments, as I’m in no position to be amusing today. Also if someone would like to come over and unload all the shit I bought at Costco yesterday from my car — especially the Tylenol — that would be awesome.

Courtesy of OK Magazine:

11:32 a.m.: Britney, in a bright fuschia halter dress and heels, arrives over 90 minutes late to her final chance to give a court-ordered deposition in her custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline. She is only able to be deposed for approximately 14 minutes.

12:20 p.m.: Brit arrives back home at her gated community, The Summit. Her sons are there for their scheduled visit, as is a court-appointed monitor.

7 p.m.: K-Fed’s security team arrives to pick up boys Sean Preston and Jayden James and bring them back to their father’s house. When there is a delay in releasing the boys, Britney’s assistant, Carla, makes excuses for the pop star. However, it soon becomes clear that there is a problem.

At some point, 2-year-old Sean Preston is removed from the house, leaving only little Jayden inside with his mother.

8 p.m.: The police are notified of a custodial situation at Britney’s house and officers are dispatched to The Summit. But when they arrive, they find that the court-appointed monitor, who has been locked out of the house, is not in possession of the paperwork required to allow them to enter Britney’s house.

9:20 p.m.: K-Fed’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan arrives at The Summit with the required paperwork. He and five police cars enter the gated community and drive up to Britney’s house.

10:30 p.m.: More than a dozen police officers, as well as two ambulances and a handful of fire rescue trucks are now on the scene. Sometime before 11 p.m., Britney’s cousin Alli and Brit’s assistant Carla leave the house, leaving Brit alone with Jayden James.

11:45 p.m.: Britney is taken out of her home strapped to a gurney and placed into an ambulance, which is escorted by 13 police cars with sirens blaring to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, arriving at approximately 12:30 a.m. Jayden is brought to the hospital in a separate vehicle.

Since she arrived in the hospital, Britney’s estranged father and her BFF Sam Lutfi have come to visit her.

No sign yet of Mama Spears or Jamie-Lynn.

You know Jamie-Lynn has got to be fuming. We were all trying to figure out how the hell Brit was going to top her sister’s teenage pregnancy. I guess we know now.