It’s the oldest one, the one that looks like a horse.

She had to go in after complaining of chest and shoulder pain.

Man, some girls just get the worst PMS.

Okay, okay, technically it was a pulmonary embolism, which I guess can be really serious, but the doctors are saying she’ll be fine, so I’m going to go ahead and make my jokes, k?

I guess Hanson is on tour for an album I didn’t know existed. Because I’m old and out of touch with what the kids are listening to these days. I mean, unless there’s a corresponding nudie pic. Then it usually comes across my radar.

Hang in there, sister!!

Neither do Lindsay Lohan or Jessica Simpson, according to Forbes magazine, who announced that none other than Jennifer Aniston was the top-selling famous face over a six-month period ending June 30.

Next up? Brad Pitt, followed by Scarlett Johansson, Angelina Jolie, Reese Witherspoon, Katie Holmes, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson, Valerie Bertinelli and Kelly Ripa.

I think I speak for all of us when I say:

WHO THE HELL IS VALERIE BERTINELLI?

To explain Britney’s absence on the list, In Touch Weekly’s editor says: “Usually there’s a roller coaster of emotions. But unfortunately for Britney, there’s been no roller coaster lately — there’s just been the downhill.”

I’m sorry, but I have a lot of trouble believing that Jennifer Damn Aniston sells more magazines than Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan. If the magazines really felt this was true, why would they keep putting Britney on the covers instead of always running cover stories like “Jennifer Aniston: Still Too Busy Being Single To Save Any Africans or Make Interesting Movies.”

There must be other factors.

Angie and Brad are still out and about in NYC.

She’s soooo skinny, but look at those tits!

I don’t think she got implants or anything, but those breasts do not match those scrawny little arms.

From NY Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni, regarding tonight’s finale of Top Chef:

[T]his contest seem[s] like a timely echo of, or overture to, the precedent-courting presidential race: Will there be a first woman Top Chef or a first nonwhite Top Chef or maybe even a first openly gay Top Chef?

It’s possible that’s pushing it a little too far. It’s just a show on Bravo, guys.

Who do you guys want to win?

I’m pretty much Team Casey, but, in lieu of that, I’ll settle for a spot on Team Anyone But Hung.

“We’re not hanging out like we used to.”

Sarah Silverman, when USA Today asked her if she’d spoken to Britney Spears since the VMA comments.

(Season 2 of Silverman’s Comedy Central show is back on tonight. Watch it.)

I feel it’s my duty to report this rumor, although IMHO, it’s total bullshit.

OK! is saying that Britney might return to the Eric Clapton Crossroads rehab in Antigua, where she spent nearly 24 hours at the beginning of this year, to try to get sober and get her kids back.

Yeah, right.

Even her BFF Alli Sims has gone on the record all like, “Not gonna happen.”

Britney couldn’t even show up at the court hearing today to try to get her kids back.

Homegirl is not checking into rehab. She doesn’t care anymore.

After a 3-hour court hearing, an L.A. judge determined that K-Fed will keep sole custody of Jayden and Sean, and Britney will be allowed monitored visits.

Kevin showed up to the hearing.

Britney did not, although photos indicate she was in Los Angeles at the time. In fact, she was posing for the paparazzi in the Valley while the hearing was taking place.

There will be another hearing on Oct 26 to determine if the custody arrangement should be changed.

(It probably shouldn’t.)