In the aftermath of funnyman Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt, the question on everyone’s mind is, of course, how did this happen?

The answer, it appears, is a common one: drugs.

Owen has a history of trouble with drugs and alcohol, and they seem to have spiraled out of control in the days before he slit his wrist and overdosed on pills. In the past day, stories have surfaced indicating that Owen was using heroin and cocaine, and went on a three-day binge with crystal meth and OxyContin.

Three days before the suicide attempt, Wilson was spotted in a Santa Monica church, according to Us Weekly. Was he hoping for divine intervention?

As a man who makes his substantial living at the foot of the Hollywood Gods I am not a biter of the hands that feed me. I don’t rock the boat. I only ask for enough to sustain myself and my many wives, and of course our multiple mansions, all equipped with dowdy Beagles named “Mr. Sparkles.” But sometimes even I come across something that makes me wonder how exactly this whole equation works. Consider this screenshot:

I came across this news item because my RSS reader came through with this headline: Keanu Reeves’ Night out in Hollywood. So I clicked to see more, and this was what I was presented with. I expected hookers, or at the very least horse tranquilizers. What did I get? One Single Photo. This is not clickable by the way, there aren’t more photos to the equation that we’re missing. We also aren’t told where he is, or what he’s doing. In fact this shot could have been taken a year ago.

I guess what I’m saying here is “Hey, ET producers, put the paint thinner down.” If we start running solitary photos of celebs without mentioning the whore house Les Deux or the term “DUI” then I’m not sure what we’re in the business for. Hell, I could come up with a photo every day, no problem. I’ll even make up a story for ya. Who you want? Mel Gibson? Expect a photo of him at Pizza Hut later today (though the photo won’t show that unless I get photoshop).

Best regards,

Spireful Lars

When the Beet is away, Spiteful Lars will play… that’s right kids, it’s a special guest bloggin’ appearance from your old friend Lars! But enough about me, the news today is:

TMZ is reporting that Jason Wahler is engaged to his girlfriend Katja Decker-Sadowski, a USC tennis player (ooh, check her out here). Katja got hooked up with a four carat ring, or around 12x what Heidi received from that jerk-off Spencer.

I believe the official position of the Beet is that this Jason fellow is a “huge douchebag” and I will stick with that though of course I wish him and his rehab / fiancée all the luck in the world!

Is there anything Jennifer Lopez can’t do?

The singer/actress/dancer/model/executive producer is at it again, as she’s signed on to produce The Amigas Sweet 15 Club, a television show about a group of young women who start a business planning Quinceanera parties. It will be a half-hour show with plenty of musical numbers. Lopez helps to use the show as a vehicle to break new Latina talent, and a line of CDs based on the show’s music is already in the works. And in case you’re more of a bookworm type, a line of young adult novels is being developed as well.

Have they even cast this thing yet?

An IMDB search indicates that they have not.

It’s also unclear whether Lopez plans to appear on the show.

The star of our new favorite YouTube video showed up on The Today Show today to try to explain that she’s not really as stupid as she seems in the clip.

And, while she seems like a very sweet girl, and her speech this time fits into the grammatical pattern I’ve come to recognize as “English,” she still comes off like she’s not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

Poor thing.

At least they can’t take away her crown for being stupid.

Check out the video here.

The father of Amy Winehouse’s husband recommends that fans boycott the troubled singer until she can get her act together.

“They are seen as a couple who display sorts of behavior that can be seen as almost entertaining, especially for the tabloid newspapers, and I think it’s about time that their friends and professional colleagues say, ‘enough is enough.’ Perhaps it’s come to the point where—and I wouldn’t want any harm to come to Amy or Blake, obviously—but perhaps it’s time to stop buying records,” says Giles Fielder-Civil to the BBC on Tuesday.

“I think they believe that they are recreational users of drugs and that they are in control … They’re a very close couple. If one dies through substance abuse, the other may commit suicide…and if they died within the next 12 to 24 months, it would be such a tragic waste.”

Winehouse’s own father doesn’t see it quite the same way.

“Will it do any good?” asks Winehouse’s father. “No. It won’t send any message to Amy at all, unfortunately. If I thought it would, it would be a great idea. I’m clutching at straws. It’s all clutching at straws.”

“The only way out of this is, at some point, they are gonna reach rock bottom,” he says. “And at that point, they will say, listen, I don’t want to do this anymore. That’s their decision to make. When the decision is right, they’ll make it. Or they won’t make it.”

It’s official.

Owen Wilson’s trip to the hospital yesterday was the result of a suicide attempt.

Extra obtained the official report of the 911 call, which indicates the reason for the call as an “attempted suicide.”

His brother Luke is the one who found him in his home. Luke called 911 and Owen was rushed to the hospital, where he is currently listed in good condition.

Owen Wilson has a history of depression and drug and alcohol abuse and was most recently linked to actress Kate Hudson.

Owen!!!

We love you and we’re hoping you can get the help that you need.

Why do I care about Rumer Willis?

Why do you?

What does she do?

Why do I run her picture when it shows up?

It’s not like it’s a slow news week. It’s only Monday, and already Owen Wilson’s tried to off himself, Nick Hogan nearly killed himself drag-racing, and a bigot Idaho senator got caught in “lewd” bathroom acts with another man.

And yet, I feel moved to run this new picture of Rumer Fucking Willis at the LG House in Malibu. I think I’m fascinated by the flatness of her stomach. I have to share it with all of you.

I just want to say, for all of you commenters out there who feel obliged to mention that I need to get a life, and that it’s really sad that this is what I do/think about all day: I know. I know that, guys.