Ah, slow news days.

We’re mere hours away from the holiday weekend. Traffic is down everywhere on the web because you guys aren’t sitting at your desk web-surfing while you should be doing expense reports. No, it’s just past noon on the West coast, which means most of the nation is in a beachside bar tossing back Coronas, as far away from a computer as possible, and Hollywood’s publicists and reporters are right there with them. No one’s breaking interesting stories. So you know what that means:

Andy. Dick.

Hollywood’s favorite cokehead (assuming the top position now that Lindsay’s in rehab) performed at the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Columbus, Ohio last weekend, in what the club’s manager calls his worst experience with a performer in the club’s history.

Dick made inappropriate comments while on stage, groped patrons, took women into the men’s room and urinated on the floor and on at least one person.

That’s right. He urinated on someone. This seems plausible, as on Monday, photos surfaced of Andy in Ohio, as he showed his naughty bits to an eager fan while urinating.

The next day:

A limousine driver was to meet Dick early Monday morning at a hotel near the club, Stroupe said, but he couldn’t be found and missed that morning’s flight to Los Angeles.

Dick was across town, where he was issued a citation for urinating on the sidewalk by Columbus policeman John Fantin. Police eventually escorted Dick back to the hotel, Stroupe said.

David Beckham may not be able to play soccer for more than five minutes without getting injured, but Lord knows the boy knows how to procreate. And while he’s busy not playing soccer for the LA Galaxy, it sounds like babies are what he has on his mind.

“We never spoke about how many kids we wanted, we knew we wanted around the same number…We both wanted four or five kids,” Becks told Ryan Seacrest this week on his radio show. And since they already have three boys, Becks noted that they’re hoping for a girl.

For that girl’s sake, I’m hoping they have more boys instead. Can you imagine Victoria raising a daughter? That poor girl would have to learn how to walk in heels before she learned how to ride a bike.

Sounds like everything is just as it should be.

Nicole Richie was spotted at a friend’s going-away party in Bev Hills with Samantha Ronson, Zach Braff and his girlfriend, Shiri Appleby (I guess he’s off the market now, girls), and was sipping tea while everyone else downed the liquor. The preggers starlet ate halibut, spaghetti Bolognese and spinach, and took her temperature after dinner to make sure she didn’t have a fever (is this something pregnant women usually do?)

But after the brief display of health and normalcy, she promptly returned to her Nicole roots, mocking Paris and Lindsay on the dance floor.

Nicole got slightly naughtier later on that night, when the party moved over to Hyde. “Nicole and deejay Frankie Inglese were imitating Paris and Lindsay having a dance-off,” says my Hyde insider. “Nicole was doing Paris, and Frankie was doing Lohan.”

Sounds like our good ole Nicole.

After her fat settlement from Paul McCartney, it seems like Heather Mills doesn’t much care about paying parking tickets. According to Page Six:

HEATHER Mills has been hell on wheels in East Hampton. Paul McCartney’s estranged wife, who’s renting Nora Ephron and Nick Pileggi’s mansion in the Georgica Pond area, has been racking up parking tickets in her rented Bentley convertible. “She’s parking in front of fire hydrants and in handicapped zones without a handicapped tag,” a source tells The Post’s Braden Keil. The peg-legged “Dancing With the Stars” hoofer recently showed an unimpressed town cop her prosthesis while he was writing up her white gas-guzzler. She was then photographed sticking her tongue out at him as soon as he turned his back.

This is totally me. I am the queen of parking tickets (and speeding tickets, and red-light tickets, and stop-sign tickets, etc…). Unfortunately, I didn’t marry a Beatle, so I actually have to worry about how I’m gonna pay them.

Just when I thought I’d outgrown the VMAs, it looks like I’ll be tuning in again this year.

It seems more and more certain that Britney will have her big “comeback” performance on the MTV awards show, and the Daily News has more details on the “shocking” performance she’s been developing with Criss Angel.

Angel will guide Spears in and out of a series of mirrors, making it seem as though she vanishes and then reappears several times, a source told the Daily News yesterday.

Other dancers in the complicated number are being called upon to harness up for simulated flight, the source said.

Ooooh, mirrors! Vanishing! Flying!

I am shocked!

Britney, it’s gonna take a whole lot more than that to shock us. The days of big snakes are long gone for you, my dear. Remember, we’ve all seen your vagina.

Honestly, it looks like Edie Falco was out walking her dog in Chelsea and happened to saunter past the premiere of Romance & Cigarettes, and the photogs were like, “Edie! Edie! Over here! No one else even remotely famous showed up! Let us take your picture!” And Edie, against her best judgment, allowed them to do so, her doggie doo clean-up bag still in hand.

Seriously.

What the fuck is this? I’m not going to bother pointing out all the things wrong with this ensemble, but I feel obliged to mention that the pants aren’t even ironed.

These things are dropping faster than Britney’s panties.

We just got Britney’s first new single, “Gimme More,” and on its heels comes another one, “Cold as Fire.” You can check it out on the player below.

And, once again, because I’m awesome, I transcribed the lyrics for you guys. There were a few in there I couldn’t quite catch, so let me know if you have any idea what the hell she’s saying there.

And: vote on your favorite of the new Spears singles!

Yeah, yeah …

I’m just a girl with the ability to drive a man crazy
Make him call me mama
Make him my new baby

New and improved and saying thank you very much
[something something] you can look but don’t touch

‘Cuz I’m cold as fire baby
Hot as ice
If you’ve ever been to heaven this is twice as nice

Break it down

You’re foolish [something something] and handling my business
Holla if you hear me
Can I get a witness
Preacher, preacher, I’m the teacher
You can learn
Watch your fingers boy
You might get burned

‘Cuz I’m cold as fire baby
Hot as ice
If you’ve ever been to heaven this is twice as nice

Break it down

As you can see
Fortunately
I’m cold as fire

Make you believe
Make you stop and breathe
I’ll take you higher
I’m just too cool
[ can't understand a word of this line ]
I’m hot as ice now
Make it feel like heaven
Twenty four seven
I’m twice as nice now

Cold as fire baby
Hot as ice
If you’ve ever been to heaven
This is twice as nice
Break it down