You guys, I hate to bring you news like this. Hell, I hate to bring me news like this. Jimmy Fallon clearly didn’t get the memo that he is my boyfriend, and went and got his ass engaged to some loser movie producer. Her name is — you know what? Fuck what her name is. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter and her arms are fat. I’m going to call her Fat-Arms. My boyfriend and Fat-Arms got engaged at Fat-Arms’ family home in New Hampshire. He gave her a fancy diamond ring that will probably get stuck on her fat fingers and she’ll have to stick them in a tub of butter to get the ring off when they get divorced because he realizes we were meant to be together. Then she’ll probably eat all the butter.

Fat-Arms met my boyfriend on the set of the Drew Barrymore film Fever Pitch, because Fat-Arms owns Flower Films, the production company behind that particular cinematic opus, along with Drew Barrymore.

This is Jimmy’s first marriage because he was waiting for me until she brainwashed him. It’s also Fat-Arms’ first marriage, for reasons that should be by now obvious.

The Olsen Twins and their creepy Shining-style ads are out, Teri Hatcher is in!

Hatcher is this season’s new face of Badgley Mischka.

“She’s a beautiful, smart woman, and I think our customer can relate to her,” said Mark Badgley.

Really? Does anyone even watch Desperate Housewives anymore? I couldn’t care less about Teri Hatcher, and I certainly don’t relate to her.

Are Oprah and Stedman over? [popbytes]

Jessica Alba rocks the THO. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Oh, the irony! Some guy who guest starred a couple times on Law & Order: SVU was arrested for having child pornography on his computer. [Cele|bitchy]

Hooray for Anna Faris in her underwear. [Drunken Stepfather]

This is not Mandy Moore’s best look. [The Blemish]

The Price is Right has raised its turntabled fist to fight back against new host Drew Carey. [Celebslam]

I ::heart:: Selma Blair. [Daily Stab]

Oh, Lindsay! Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay!!! Thank GOD you’re back!!! OMG, Lindsay, I am soooo sorry if I’ve taken you for granted in the past. I can’t imagine how underappreciated you must have felt, but OMG, Lindsay, life in the gossip world sucks without you. I know I’ve given you shit in the past for leaving assorted rehabs to go on little errands to the gym or to Robertson or to lunch with friends, I know I acted like those were things you shouldn’t have been doing, but, oh, Lindsay, I was so wrong! Lindsay! We cannot survive without you. Please forgive my past indiscretions. Please, baby, don’t leave us like this again. I can’t take it, baby. Welcome back. I love you.

I feel a palpable sense of relief as the first pictures of Lindsay Lohan at the Cirque Lodge rehab in Utah have surfaced. Everything has been so goddamn boring since she left.

Lindsay left the rehab center for a little while yesterday, to take a walk around town and hit up a tanning salon. Lindsay bought a $20 spray-on tan, in addition to several more $16 tans. And normally I’d be, like, “What the fuck do you need a tan for in rehab? Focus on getting better, dumbass,” but I’ve changed, Lindsay baby. I’m not going to be like that anymore. I’m so, so glad you’re out in front of the cameras. I support you in any rehab-leaving you want to do in the future. I need you, Lindsay. I need you like you need me, and let’s not play this hiding-in-rehab game anymore, my love. It’s childish and it’s hurtful and no one wins. You’re always safe in the arms of the cameras and the gossip columnists. It’s where you belong, Lindsay. It’s where you need to be. We all know it. Welcome back, my love. Let’s never be apart again.

Nope, it’s just a prosthetic she’s wearing for the character she plays in her new film, House Bunny, which is currently filming in LA. Since when is Kat McPhee an actress?

Also, I need to find out where I can get one of these things. I totally want it for the next time I go home to visit my parents.

Photo credit: Buzz Foto

It looks like someone has attached clear wires to the corners of her mouth and pulled them up to create a smile. She doesn’t want to be there at all.

Kevin Federline is on the warpath, trying to get custody of the ex-couple’s two sons. After serving subpoenas to two of Britney’s former assistants and her former bodyguard, K-Fed now has another secret weapon: video footage from 15 surveillance cameras that Britney installed in their Malibu mansion, documenting Britney’s insanity.

According to the National Enquirer, in one of the tapes, Britney slaps Kevin after screaming at him about a weekend he spent in Vegas. In another, she actually goes after him with a frying pan. According to a source: “Kevin was going to use the frying pan, but Britney grabbed it and hit him with it when he turned his back. He grabbed the pan out of her hand and walked away, but she hurled an ashtray at him. He dodged it, and it hit the sliding glass door.”

Kevin also has voicemail tapes of Britney admitting she was out drinking with friends. I can’t believe he thinks he needs voicemail tapes to prove that, when TMZ has at least 40 hours of footage of it.

“Kevin believes that Britney lets the boys run around with dirty diapers because she’s too lazy to change them,” says the source. Ew.

“Everyone now says I have a fake butt or butt implant. I’m Armenian; you should see all the women in my family. The women have bigger breasts and bigger butts. That’s how I was born. I can’t help it. I’m not gonna fight it. I definitely need to work out more and tone up, but I’m proud of my body … [but] I’m not against [plastic surgery].”

Kim Kardashian, to King magazine