Watch it before SonyBMG pulls it.

I don’t think Lindsay Lohan could have crafted a more thorough destruction of her reputation and career even if she’d consulted with Michael Richards beforehand.

Remember the two other passengers in Lindsay’s car during the chase? TMZ sat them down for an interview, and they had quite a story to tell.

Apparently the evening began at a party in Malibu, where Lindsay was never without a drink, and was doing shots with people and generally getting retarded. Then her assistant, Tarin Graham, began fighting with her boyfriend, Dan Regan, outside the party. Lindsay went outside and screamed at her to shut up, at which point the assistant quit and got in her car to drive away. Three of Dan Regan’s friends were in their white GMC Denali outside the party. Lindsay reached in through the window, grabbed the keys and commandeered the vehicle.

Love it so far? Keep reading.

So all three people in the car are immediately concerned that Linday’s going to kill them in this vehicle. One of them jumps out of the car, Lindsay runs over his foot, and keeps driving. She chases Tarin south down PCH at 100 mph — including making several U-turns as Tarin tries to lose them — and into Santa Monica, at which point she loses Tarin after running several red lights in the process. Lindsay assumes that they’re headed toward Tarin’s mother’s house, and she arrives there just as Tarin’s mother was pulling into the driveway. The mother — who probably wasn’t up on the backstory here and didn’t know that it was Lindsay behind the wheel — freaked out and pulled out of the driveway and headed to the police station. The other two passengers warned Lindsay that’s where she was headed, but Linds responded with “I’m a celebrity. I’m not going to get in trouble.”

The cars stopped near the police station, and police vehicles pulled up. When Lindsay was asked for her side of the story, she responded that “I wasn’t driving. The black kid was driving.” Cute, Lindsay.

When taking her field sobriety test, Lindsay nearly fell over.

First Paris.

Soon Lindsay.

Now Nicole!

When is Britney Spears going to go to jail? She’s the last on the list!

Nicole Richie was sentenced today to spend four days in jail following her DUI last year. This was Nicole’s second DUI, and the minimum sentence in California is five days in jail. However, Nicole was given a full day of credit for the six hours she spent in the slammer after her arrest.

The pregnant Nicole is due in January. Sources say that it is unlikely she will be forced to spend time in jail before she gives birth.

So what gives? Paris gets 45 days in jail for driving on a suspended license, and Nicole gets four days for her second DUI? I guess it all depends on the judge …

This is a pretty funny video.

I was sitting at dinner with friends on Tuesday night, after a day of Lohan insanity, and we were talking about where this story was headed. “Well, there’s a 911 tape out there somewhere,” I told them, “and it’s only a matter of time before it’s on the Internet.”

And here it is.

Click here to listen. The tape is of the mother of Lohan’s assistant, Tarin Graham, telling police that a white GMC is following her.

Is it just me, you guys, or are 911 operators always dicks? The caller here is trying to give the guy the information, but the guy keeps cutting her off, like, “Ma’am, I need you to answer my questions.” But how the fuck is she supposed to answer his questions when he keeps cutting her off to yell at her for not answering the questions? I always seem to have this problem with emergency services — the people responsible for helping you out are so busy being important and demanding that they’re no help at all, and often it feels like they worsen the situation. Maybe they’re just trying to keep the situation calm by being forceful, but it seems like having the 911 guy yell at her is just making this woman more hysterical.

According to Us Weekly (which, to be fair, kind of hates Angelina Jolie because she gives all her exclusives to People), Angelina’s really upset that A Mighty Heart didn’t do as well as she thought it would. The film has brought in a measly $9M at the box office, which is, like, even worse than a Lindsay Lohan flick.

“She poured her heart into the story and can’t believe people don’t understand how important it is,” says an inside source.

To get away from it all, Jolie and her family have retreated to a $13,818-a-week rental manor in France. Rough life.

Now to get on my soapbox for a minute: I don’t understand why people are making these movies. I don’t understand A Mighty Heart. I don’t understand United 93. And I don’t understand World Trade Center. I don’t understand why anyone would want to go see these movies or why the studios think they do. Yes, they are important stories. I know how important these stories are because they happened less than six years ago and I lived through them actually happening. I don’t need to pay $10 at a movie theater to be reminded of just how fucking depressed I was about all this shit the first time it happened. Which was, you know, six fucking years ago. I remember, trust me. If I’m paying to see a movie, it’s because I want to be removed from my reality. Americans see movies to escape. You don’t necessarily have to make me laugh, but do something that takes me away from the world in which I currently live. Don’t bombard me with the most devastatingly tragic aspects of my current existence. If that’s what I wanted, I’d go see a fucking therapist. Sheesh.

In general I’m trying to stay away from the Larry Birkhead-ness in the news, because I don’t know that any of this shit deserves publicity. But Larry showed up on Entertainment Tonight with some really cute pics of little Dannielynn, so I’ll write about it. Just this once.

“Every day she does something new, and now she’s sharing her bottle with me,” says Larry. “So if I say, ‘Give daddy a drink,’ she’ll toss it over her shoulder. It’s cool being a dad.”

Sharing her bottle? So she doesn’t take after her mother, I guess.

Little Dannielynn turns one in September, so what’s Larry planning for the celebration?

“I’m thinking big,” he says. “Her mom called her princess, so [I'm thinking of doing] something kind of Disney princess, or Hello Kitty — something real cool, so she can look back on it and say, ‘What a cool party.’”

I hope that when you say “look back on it,” Larry, what you mean is “look at the pictures on WireImage and the video from Entertainment Tonight,” because I don’t know if anyone mentioned this to you, but you don’t really form lasting memories at age one. Which is probably in Dannielynn’s best interest.

Destiny’s Child singer Kelly Rowland talks in the upcoming issue of Essence about a time when she didn’t feel comfortable in her skin. “It’s said that brown-skinned girls don’t sell magazines and that’s so sad,” she tells the magazine. “I remember wishing I was more fair-skinned, but Tina Knowles, Beyoncé’s mom, would say, ‘Don’t you know how beautiful you are?’ She made me come into my brown beauty. I didn’t get it, but now I do. I am chocolate and beautiful and loving it.”

Meanwhile, her former bandmate Beyonce is recovering from a tumble she took at a show earlier in the week. During her sold out Orlando show, Beyonce fell down some stairs, landing on her face. “If you taped that, please don’t put it on YouTube,” said the singer after finishing the show. But within hours the clip was on YouTube. Unfortunately, most of those videos appear to have been pulled for copyright violations by now, otherwise I’d put it up. If anyone has a copy saved to a hard drive, drop me a line and I’ll upload it here.