“Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care.”

Lindsay!!!

Please please please get better.

The gossip world has been crawling at a snail’s pace since Paris got out of jail, but it appears that, while Paris is behaving herself these days, Britney and Lindsay are bringing gossip back.

Linds scored herself a jail-warranting DUI early this morning, and Britney’s mental break-down at an OK! photo shoot is apparently not going to be covered up!

OK! magazine released the following statement about the shoot: “OK! Magazine spent a heartbreaking day with Britney Spears and witnessed first-hand an emotional cry for help that will leave you shocked and sad. This week, on newsstands Friday, the truth will be told.”

Yay!!! I can’t wait!!!

Okay, people.

You know how I’ve been saying that I think LiLo has been staying sober these past few days?

I stick by that story, because Lindsay is an alcoholic, and when alcoholics don’t stay sober, this is what happens.

Lindsay was arrested at 2 a.m. Monday morning for drunk driving … and then it got worse …

Lindsay was taken to jail, and she had cocaine with her at the jail. Lindsay was busted for the following:

1) Possession of cocaine
2) Driving under the influence
3) Transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility
4) Driving on a suspended license

Lindsay was arrested because she was chasing another car. The car was reportedly being driven by the mother of Lindsay’s personal assistant, who actually placed a 911 call during the chase, which lead to the arrest.

She was released from jail around 6:30 am today.

Lindsay was reportedly planning to throw her friend a birthday party on Monday in Venice. Looks like it got a little out of hand.

This recent arrest will almost certainly carry jail time for La Lohan.

Sad.

Honestly, politicians know about none of the important things going on in the world. The Examiner did a cute little “what you don’t know about Dick Cheney” piece on Monday, and it included this little tidbit:

He once confused Jessica Simpson with Jessica Lynch … [W]hen the vice president threw out the first pitch before a 2003 game between the Cincinnati Reds and Chicago Cubs, Cheney was first informed that “Nick Lachey — a native of Cincinnati — would sing the national anthem before the game and would be accompanied by his girlfriend, Jessica Simpson. Cheney thought Simpson’s name sounded familiar. He asked his staff: ‘Is that the soldier who was captured in Iraq?’” (That would be Jessica Lynch).

I remember the first time I saw this chick on Nip/Tuck, I was like, “That has to be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” and, with that, Kelly Carlson quickly kicked Keira Knightley out of that spot in my book. She doesn’t have the exotic, angular look that I usually go for in girls (I love you Jaslene, but please eat), but she’s so classically beautiful I think I’d totally have to sleep with her.

Anyway, she was at the Fox TCA party in Santa Monica, along with other assorted members of the casts of Nip/Tuck and House, including Joely Richardson, who I love but who decided to wear her very best toad costume to this event. And does someone want to help me do the count-down to when Lauren Ambrose and Parker Posey find themselves in some manner of on-camera love scene? Because it can’t be too long in coming, right?

Isn’t that right, Eddie Murphy?

With girlfriend Tracey Edmonds at the film’s LA premiere.

Lindsay Lohan and the invited group of photographers showed up at a Palisades dance studio on Monday while Lindsay rehearsed some dance moves for her upcoming role in the film Dare to Love Me. Production was just canceled on LiLo’s most recent film, Poor Things, but it looks like she’ll have yet another chance to prove that she can make a movie that won’t flop.

I’m telling you people, this girl’s staying sober. You can talk all the shit you want in the comments, but I think she’s sober right now. Look at her. She looks genuinely happy. She never smiled like that before. Who knows if she’ll be sober in a month, but, right now, I think she is.

Oh, and there’s totally a little nipple action beneath the white outfit, for those of you who get off on that stuff.