Thanks Anna.

Look at me! Drinking RedBull! I’m not having booze! Remember me everybody I’m so cool, I went to rehab.

I’m so bored of Jesse. He really only held my attention when his shirt was off.

Sobriety is so the new black.

Breaking: Kim Kardashian has a huge butt. [Ninja Dude]

Akon is back to his old on-stage brutality tricks. [Holy Moly]

It’s Brooke Burke’s turn to put on a bikini and splash around for photogs. [Celebslam]

Jessica Simpson just doesn’t even care anymore. [Cele|bitchy]

If there is a stripper pole within fifty feet of Adrianne Curry, you best believe she’s getting on that thing. [Celebrity Smack]

Some soap star named Shemar scores a DUI. [Holy Candy]

Do all live music performances just suck these days? [Pajiba]

Now you can watch Dina Lohan systematically destroy the lives of her two other children from the safety and comfort of your very own living room! [Celeb Warship]

Nicole Richie finally takes a hike … oh, and she might also be pregnant (except she’s totally not). [The Bosh]

Beyonce’s drunk again. [POTP]

You know who didn’t offer Heidi Montag a million bucks to pose naked for them? Playboy, that’s who. We already get to see her stripped of decency and self-respect every week on The Hills. [F&C]

Katee Holmes topless. (No, that’s not a typo — this one’s the awesome 18-year-old who’s threatening to lose her virginity on-camera.) [Jordan]

The Super-Mom turns 31 32 today! [Thanks to all the commenters who pointed this out, and no thanks at all to Wikipedia for lying to me.]

To celebrate, she’s talking to Marie Claire about how hard it is to find time to have sex with Brad Pitt while they’re raising four children together.

“Mommy and Daddy need to try to figure out more time right now.” Juggling her clan is not easy, she confides to the magazine. “Everybody needs individual time. Shiloh has our attention when the others are at school. Mad [her son Maddox] stays up the latest, so he gets the nighttime. During the day, I’ll go for a walk or do something specific with Pax or Z [Zahara] . . . We’re working on it; we’re working on it. Right now, we’re not great about Mommy-and-Daddy time.”

Happy birthday, Angie!

We’ll get to posting about other, unincarcerated celebs eventually today, I promise. Until then, here’s the Paris Hilton mug shot.

In the wake of Paris now doing hard time the MTV awards have been washed away in a sea of somehow being even less relevant. But I feel in my heart you want some stills. Here, have some stills!

Paris Hilton’s lawyers released a statement from her just after she turned herself into authorities and went to jail, two days before she was required to.

I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation. During the past few weeks, I have had a lot of time to think and have come to realize I made some mistakes. This is an important point in my life and I need to take responsibility for my actions. In the future, I plan on taking more of an active role in the decisions I make. I want to thank my family, friends and fans for their continued support. Although I am scared, I am ready to begin my jail sentence.