After battling ex-wife Dina Lohan in court to get visitation rights with his children, Michael Lohan issued the following statement:

“I look forward to order being restored to the chaos that our family life has become. Lyndsay, Michael, Ali and Cody need stability and both of their parents in their lives. I am anxious to spend time with them and end this cruel, needless separation.”
— Michael Lohan

For additional info or to speak with Michael contact the following:

Leslie Kellner Taylor
Big Machine Media
575 Lexington Ave.; 4th Floor
New York, NY 10022
Ph: [REDACTED]

This statement has everyone up in arms, because, of course, Lindsay’s name is not spelled “Lyndsay,” and, as her father, he should probably know this.

Look, I’m not about to throw my full support behind Michael “Shoe Assault” Lohan, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that the misspelling is the fault of one Leslie Kellner Taylor, who was all too happy to sign her work.

Mentos has hired Trevor, a lovely little intern, to do stuff on the web that people suggest all day long. You can log onto Trevor’s website and put something in his schedule for him to do the next day. If you are really bored at work today at 3pm today he will be teaching us the Electric Slide.

The website is kind of addictive and I haven’t figured out what I want him to do yet. Our friends at Dlisted have asked him to do dirty things but I guess he won’t do anything too racy. Darn. He actually did just make out with a giant tube of Mentos.

I’m thinking I want him to do Britney Spears’s “Hit Me Baby One More Time”…the dance and all. That seems fun. He probably does have a musical theatre degree from Northwestern anyway.

Go ask Trevor to do something and let me know when he is doing it. Yes…I have no life.

Dear Rosie,

Children who are conscripted into the armies of the world have no choice. They are drugged up, given weapons and threatened with their lives to fight for causes that they themselves don’t even really understand.

I have a book that you need to read. “A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier.” Hopefully after reading this you will be less flippant about showing pictures of your young child dressed like a child soldier.

Vivian Rose is a beautiful girl and she doesn’t deserve to be used for you to make a point. I don’t know if you have ever known anyone who has fought for this country or if you respect those who join our armed forces to defend America’s freedom but I would hazard a guess that you have not.

I understand that you are against the war in Iraq and the current administration. Being shocking and inflammatory doesn’t get people thinking it rather polarizes people. Protest smart Rosie. I always thought your little blog was amusing until now.

Think before you post and remember you are comedian not a social commentator. Leave that to those with college degrees.

EvilT

Maybe I’m just not remembering this properly, but I feel like when Making the Band wrapped, she was cute and flirty and sexy, not looking methed-out and giving a goddamn tube of lip gloss blue balls.

Honestly, Aubrey, when the folks at the gifting suite are like, “Aubrey, let us get a shot of you using the lip gloss,” it’s okay to respond with, “No, that would look ridiculous.” Just for future reference.

At the Mondrian in L.A.

“Although we think that your film could actually help reform America’s sorely inadequate health care system, there’s an elephant in the room, and it is you.”

- Ingrid Newkirk, President of PETA, to Sicko filmmaker Michael Moore, urging him to lose weight via a vegetarian diet.

Woah, small world. That policeman who was just arrested for killing his very pregnant baby mama used to date Nikki Giavasis, who later dated and had a child by NBA star Shawn Kemp. [Bossip]

But what she really wants to do is act … [Cele|bitchy]

Someone’s got another tell-all about JFK Jr. [Celebrity Smack]

Prison Break’s Wentworth Miller is dating T.R. Knight’s ex-boyfriend. I do hope that one of them opts to throw a drink at the other at Hyde. [The Bosh]

Heh. For all her finger-pointing, Nancy Grace totally had a shotgun wedding at the age of 47. She’s preggers with twins. [Celebslam]

Britney Spears’ breast, in case you didn’t catch it earlier this month. [The Blemish]

All the dictionaries in world can’t teach you how to use apostrophes properly, Paris. [SOW]

Is anyone else super-psyched for Hey, Paula? [popbytes]

Now that she’s out of jail, Paris Hilton isn’t wasting any time before creating her transitional home for underprivileged female inmates getting her hair done. US is reporting that Miss Hilton had a hair appointment for 9:30 am today with DreamCatchers hair extensions. How long? “Full length, 20 inches of extensions….blonde, of course.”

She’s back, kids.

Update: HA! I should note that DreamCatchers hair extensions is Paris’ own brand, which explains the obvious name-dropping in the article. Also, one would think I’d have known this originally, as my Google search for “dream catchers hair extensions” results in an article I wrote as the third result. Seriously, someone should consider paying me a lot of money to do this professionally.

John Stamos arrived bleary-eyed, sock-less, stumbling and inarticulate at an Australian press call, where he was expected to plug his appearance in the upcoming season of ER. Stamos blamed his difficulty speaking on having too many cups of coffee, and his appearance on jet-lag. “I came from Greece, Cairo and Japan … and for whatever reason I am so jet-lagged here,” he said. This seems odd, considering he’s been in Sydney since Thursday.

When you put all these signs together, you have to ask the question: Are they seriously still filming new episodes of ER?

According to TMZ, WWE wrestler Chris Benoit likely murdered his wife by strangulation on Saturday, the day he was supposed to appear in a WWE event. He then smothered his seven-year-old son in bed a day later. On Monday, he hung himself in his weight room.

Investigators in Atlanta are refusing to comment officially, pending final confirmation by the coroner.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

And very sad.

Oh. Fuck. Yes. Now this makes sense.

Finally, a lawsuit in which Perez Hilton is not being accused of copyright violations. In fact, the gossip blogger (real name: Mario Lavandeira) is the one suing this time, claiming that a rogue Los Angeles photo agency is unfairly competing against his blog by, among other things, employing a platoon of illegal aliens who physically threaten the paparazzi competition. Filed yesterday, Lavandeira’s Los Angeles Superior Court complaint … alleges that the X17 agency’s owners engage in “illegal and unethical business practices” and that they exploit the company’s photographers, many of whom are “from Brazil or other countries” and are “believed to be illegal aliens.” He also charges that the agency may “employ photographers with criminal backgrounds and/or gang affiliations.” While Lavandeira does not identify any paparazzi by name, X17 photographer Ramon “Twist” Kirk is a convicted sex offender. As first revealed by reporter Eric Longabardi, Kirk spent 16 months in a California prison for the felony sex crime, which involved a teenage girl. Lavandeira contends that X17 has launched a “copycat blog” and, to secure a competitive advantage, the agency exploits its labor pool “through unlawful business practices.

Not only is Perez suing X17 as a corporation, he’s also suing its owners, Francois and Brandy Navarre, as individuals.

You can read the full complaint here.

We’ll be talking about this more later, I promise.

Who’d've guessed that on Paris Hilton Jail Release day, my favorite story would be about an entirely different Hilton?

(Thanks Chris!)

No matter how much her jail stay changed Paris, it officially had no impact on her eye color. BuzzFoto just released this pic of Paris leaving jail, which I think is probably the best I’ve seen so far, and I realized while looking at the high-def version that she’s wearing her blue contacts. I think she might also be wearing false eyelashes, but I’m not sure about that. I’ve included the high-def version of her eyes here so you guys can weigh in.

Just posted on Perez:

Notice To All Current And Former Photographers Of X17

Does X17 owe you money?

If you feel that you have not been adequately compensated by X17 for your time (including overtime) or your photographs, please contact us at info@perezhilton.com immediately.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Ohhhhhhhh shit.

This no longer has anything to do with first amendment rights or satire or copyright infringement. This shit is personal, and it has been for a while now.

But it is sooooo much fun!!!!