JT and Cam-Cam look awfully cozy at the Shrek 3 London premiere. She may be older than you, Jess, but at least she’s not a trashy skank. I’m just saying.

Sorry links are so late today. I was busy all day studying for and taking my very last final of graduate school. Somebody give me a motherfucking cookie. Or, you know, a job. A job would be cool too. (Who am I kidding? I don’t want a real job.)

Anyway, here goes:

Looks like Whoopi Goldberg’s going to be replacing Rosie on The View. The show was able to attract her because their demo will continue to ensure that no one born after 1990 will ever have heard of Whoopi Goldberg. [A Socialite's Life]

Lily Allen does Elle. [popbytes]

Paris Hilton chats on the phone with Barbara Walters. Apparently she really wants to get involved with humanitarian causes, which I’m sure will last every bit as long as Hyde continues to throw those Save Darfur parties. [Jordan]

Did X17 steal those photos of Lindsay Lohan with the knives from a camera she left in her car? God I hope so. [Celebrity Smack]

Rihanna claims that Jay-Z wants to screen all the guys she dates. I bet Beyonce wants to screen them, too, and toss out all the ones who don’t have herpes. [Bossip]

Serena Williams’ ass gives Kim Kardashian’s a run for its money. [Celebslam]

Is Britney getting back together with K-Fed? Dude, I’m almost rooting for it. [F&C]

Carmen Electra’s half-naked and dancing. Act surprised. [Derek Hail]

Paris Hilton’s publicist hit the town in LA this weekend with a bevy of … um …

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

I’ve enlarged the faces of the two women on the right, just so you can see for yourself the extent of the fugly we’re dealing with here.

Look, if he were just with one, I’d be like, “Oh, okay, she’s probably a very smart and special girl, and he’s really into her personality.” But if you’re gonna be whoring around with a ton of women, Elliot, at least find some hot 20-somethings. Come on, dude.

[photo credit: Buzz Foto]

Just got this pic in my inbox of Hayden leaving Parc this weekend. So clearly she’s not one of the youngsters having trouble getting into LA clubs. She also really doesn’t have a reputation as a hellion. So who is the 17-year-old TV star raising hell in NYC?

The latest to hop on the cash-in-on-Lindsay’s-addiction bandwagon is former bodyguard Lee Weaver, who’s currently writing a memoir about his time with Lindsay (she didn’t make him sign an NDA?) and sold a few juicy tidbits to News of the World, which has officially cornered the market on Lindsay Lohan’s drug addiction. There’s a lot of good stuff in the article, including a full-on hair-pulling fight with Jessica Simpson and the attempted assault of a drug dealer, but here are some other highlights:

She had a total death wish and took more drugs and drank more than anyone I’ve met. I lost count of the times I thought she was overdosing and had to carry her out of parties. Every morning I’d breathe a sigh of relief she was still alive.

She used boys for drugs and girls for thrills. I lost count of the women she took back to her hotel room from clubs.

I even saw her try to grope Mariah Carey’s bottom and boobs one night as they danced. One time I went to look for her in a club bathroom and found her in the corner French-kissing a girl.

Nobody was as wild as Lindsay. But Nicole came close. Sometimes Paris Hilton would be there but the most I saw her do was drink and strip. One night Lindsay and Nicole were making trip after trip to the bathroom — she wouldn’t snort in front of me because she knew I’d get mad. But the more wasted they got the less she cared. In the end they carried in a mirror from the bedroom, laid it on the coffee table and emptied a mountain of coke onto it. They went at the stuff with straws, hoovering it all up then piling more on. I tried to tell Lindsay to stop but she just told me it was cool. After ten hours I’d had enough and threatened to throw the mirror out of the window. I had to carry her out to the car.

He also tossed in some new pics of Linday being drunk and half-naked. Fun.

Which 17-year-old TV hellion has taken to boozing extra hard in NYC clubs now that a Los Angeles crackdown on underage drinking means she can’t get through the door in Hollywood?

Guesses?

Hayden Panettiere is the only 17-year-old female TV star that comes to mind for me, but we don’t hear a lot of tales of her boozing. Who else is there?

[source]

And she’s also hot. Her name is Mamie Gummer and I’m predicting good things from her. Of course it will help that momma is a 14 time Oscar nominee. Both mother and daughter are in Evening, and these are from the press conference of said movie. Evening, sadly, is a very horrible movie. It’s so sappy that you could make hard cider from it. It’s so boring that you’ll search for something sharp while you’re seeing it.

Still though, Mamie, let’s do lunch.

The recently rehabbed hunk was spotted leaving Parc this weekend looking a little less than sober.

The New York Post reports that Jesse spent the weekend before partying it up in Miami, where he got into all sorts of trouble.

A spy at the Shore Club saw Metcalfe poolside last Saturday afternoon chatting it up “with three married women from New York. Jesse spent the afternoon ordering drinks with the ladies . . . and then walked out on the tab.” Earlier that day, a different source told Page Six, Metcalfe and his assistant threw a fit at the Hotel Catalina in Miami Beach. “The assistant went right up to the reception desk and said, ‘Let me see Jesse’s room before I decide if Jesse is going to stay in this [bleep]ing hotel,’ ” claims an eyewitness who was in the lobby. “Everyone was staring.” Metcalfe and an entourage of “blond girls” were spotted at the nightclub Suite on Saturday, and he continued his partying Tuesday at Blue in the Delano.

Sigh. A few months ago we were saying that rehab is the new black. Now I’m gonna go ahead and say that relapse is the new rehab.

[photo credit: Buzz Foto]